The Gay Gasp Guide To Life

  1. Thirst traps are encouraged but if you caption them with inspirational quotes I swear to god I’ll put a slug in your ear.
  2. If you take a break from or leave Facebook don’t post about it. Show us don’t tell us.
  3. Don’t hate on other gay people for eating at Chick-fil-A when you still go to Whataburger. You know they probably love Jesus just as much but they’re just smart enough not to tell you.
  4. If you post a screen shot without cropping it I reserve the right to pull out your ball hairs with a tweezer.
  5. Asking to see my private pics means you’re probably too ugly to see them.
  6. If you have a picture of just your lips on GROWLr you should lose the right to vote.
  7. You should be angry that your private pics haven’t been stolen and put on Tumblr.
  8. Let’s be perfectly clear: masculine gay men receive all the same cultural benefits and privileges as straight men.
  9. If your Facebook post is more than 1 paragraph long someone better be dead. DEAD.
  10. When someone says they’re not into gay bars there’s a good chance what they really mean is “I don’t want to run into any of the ugly guys that I don’t want you to know I fuck.”
  11. I will never donate money on Facebook for your birthday. Give your own fucking money.
  12. If you use the joke “I don’t bite unless you ask me to” then I hope ants crawl into your urethra and lay eggs.
  13. No one’s ever going to watch that concert video you posted.
  14. Your dog will like me better than you.
  15. Don’t hold the door while I’m an awkward distance away and then stare at me because I’m not walking faster.
  16. Give your pet its own Instagram page so I can follow and love it.
  17. American Dad is better than Family Guy and The Simpson’s needs to end it already.
  18. Hamilton is still brilliant.
  19. Miss Vanjie.
  20. Miss Vanjie.
  21. Miss
  22. Vanjie.

Tumblr Dos and Don’ts

  1. Do: Enjoy the fantasy. That way you don’t have to meet them in person and discover their horribly crazy personality.
  2. Don’t hunt them down on GROWLr or Facebook then get pissed off when they don’t want to fuck You.
  3. Do post videos. How do all these 5 minute videos keep getting posted when my 30 second clip keeps getting rejected?
  4. Don’t post some G rated nonsense and expect me to care.
  5. Do post butthole pics. It’s s controversial opinion but I love a good butthole pic.
  6. Don’t you dare post a 30 picture series of one person that takes me 10 swipes to get past.
  7. Do explain Tumblr’s advertising algorithm to me. Facebook and Google are legit listening to our thoughts in order to show us an add for the klodike bar we dreamt about last night. So why is Tumblr still forcing me to scroll past this straight Chooseyourstory bullshit?
  8. Don’t share your Instagram pics on Tumblr. That’s not what I’m here for.
  9. Do post all your cum dump, European hidden urinal cam, saline injected, big belly overhang, dick out in public, hook up in the woods original content. Make crazy and outlandish life choices so I don’t have to.
  10. Don’t use a condom. If your gonna post it then it better be bareback. I know we aren’t supposed to talk about it but a condomed cock in porn is a total boner killer.
  11. Do make porn GIFs. Fun for everyone.
  12. Don’t post a video link without a thumbnail. SMH.
  13. Do look up dirty comics strips. There’s also Clawhauser porn out there.
  14. Don’t repost all your DMs that only validate your hotness. We. Don’t. Care.