How to Find a Boyfriend 

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I’ve been with my wonderful boyfriend Russ for 4 years however before that I was single for my entire life other than a short 3 month long distance thing in my early 20s. Trust me when I tell you that I know the struggle of being perpetually single because I’ve been there and made a lot of mistakes along the way. This is what I’ve learned.

  1. There’s no right and wrong way to do it. Ask couples you know how they met you’ll learn that there are a variety of ways a relationship can start. You’ll also learn that while they’ve stayed together the beginning wasn’t always a smooth storybook romance. Stories of a break up early on or a horrible first date are just some of the unconventional things you’ll hear. Try not to have a rigid script in your head of how things should go.
  2. Work on yourself. If you’ve been single for a long time really consider the fact that you may just be happier being alone. Although the idea of a relationship is nice the actual reality isn’t always for everyone.
  3. Use every resource available. Look as much on Growlr as you do when going out to bars. You’re going to get a lot of bad advice from all directions. A lot of guys over 40 will endlessly shit on hook up aps due to their own discomfort with technology’s increasing persistence in our lives. Younger guys will denounce bars as impossible to meet new people because they’ve grown up online and don’t know how to talk in person. Treat advice like a buffet and take samples from everyone as neither side is right or wrong. Fun fact, Russ and I first saw each other at a bar but we didn’t talk until later that night on Growlr. 
  4. Work on yourself. Do you have an appropriate level of emotional availability? In the past I tended to not show enough emotion because I always wanted to come off as cool and collected. I’ve also met guys who tend to dump every emotion and feeling on you in the first conversation. The key to success is finding a healthy balance. Be available but not codependent.
  5. Stay busy. Have hobbies and interests beyond finding a man. If single is the first word you use to describe yourself than you’re probably a little too focused on it. Think of it this way: If I was going to make a movie about you would you have a story-line beyond your search for a guy? Is it the only thing you talk about? Join a club, play a sport, volunteer. Obsessing over your dating life is like a nail in the coffin.
  6. Work on yourself. Do you need therapy? Talking to a neutral third party can do wonders to help see thing clearly. I’m a huge proponent of talking to a therapist.
  7. Have standards not requirements. I notice a lot of guys get stuck on a list of requirements based on a guy’s physical traits (age, weight, race) but never look at how he acts. As time goes by the guy who is the ideal weight and age turns to be a total asshole. It’s seems like no one ever lists kindness and decency as requirements. Don’t be so strict with the physical requirements because they can blind you to the personal realities.
  8. Work on yourself. Are you hung up on a guy from the past who’s comfortable but bad for you? Being hung up on someone from your past (or present) will subconsciously hold you back  until you get that skeleton out of your closet.
  9. Get to know people. A good person with a sense of humor doesn’t always look his best in pictures. Be open to getting to know someone before you write them off. Personally I’ve found that some of the guys who I’ve had the strongest first attraction to ended up being the most toxic long-term. Also attraction can change and develop the more you get to know someone. I’ve also met plenty of guys who I completely overlooked who ended up being unexpectedly great. 
  10. Work on yourself. If you’re searching for someone to complete you then you’ll be searching forever. Finding a boyfriend is great but it won’t fix your life. You’ll bring all the problems you had before into your relationship.
  11. Change. Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you’ve been single for many years it’s time to shake things up. For example, if you already know every guy in your city them maybe it’s time to find a new city. A lot of guys wait to make a big move until they’ve found someone. That only adds pressure to a new relationship and you start out behind the eight ball. Instead consider moving to a new city while you’re still single and finding love once you’re there. It worked for me.
  12. Work on yourself. Time for some tough love. If you’re perpetually single it’s because of you not them. I tell you this from personal experience. While other factors hindered my love life the one major reason I was single for so long was my own bullshit. I had to work on myself first. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love somebody else.”
  13. Get ready for a long road. With all that said, you can work on everything in your life and that doesn’t mean a boyfriend will just magically appear. It’s still going to be a frustrating journey ahead filled with a lot of boring first dates. Stay strong. 
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