1. Don’t post un-cropped photos. I shouldn’t have to say this but if you take a screen shot crop out those thick black bars before you post the picture. *SMH*
2. Don’t make one of those cliché sportsball jokes. I’m not saying you have to give a shit about sports but sportsball is an old joke that’s been beaten to death. RIP sportsball.
3. Don’t say, “Not my president.” Although it’s tempting you end up sounding like a Sarah Palin tea partier.
4. Don’t ever say, “I don’t bite unless you want me to.” The only thing less sexy is saying you’ll only give a blowjob with a condom.
5. Don’t give the 2 finger piece sign in pictures. You’re not a retired hippy with brain damage from too many years of acid.
6. Don’t complain about too much political correctness when you have benefited from it. Fucking faggots.
7. Don’t even think of having a close up picture of your lips as a profile picture. Look at your life. Look at your choices.
8. Don’t talk to someone who has headphone on at work. “But he has headphones on all the time?” That’s because he never wants to talk to you.
9. Don’t use the Snapchat dog filter for a profile picture. Seriously have some self respect.

After this election you’re probably dreading the trip home for the holidays with your family. You’ve managed to successfully avoid all major confrontations with your pro-Trump family members on Facebook by hiding all their posts. However now they’re going to be sitting across the dinner table from you.

Before you even arrive you’re already starting to prepare a list of non-election topics to talk about over dinner. Baseball, West World, The Walking Dead…

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At first you’re optimistic and think you’ll be able to get through the whole meal without anyone bringing up the election. “How about those Cubs winning the World Series?”

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Until your uncle passes you the salt and asks, “Can you believe this election?”

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As if you’re preparing for a car crash all of your muscles clench and you close your eyes fearing the worst.

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The Hillary bashing starts off simple with statements like “I would vote for anyone before that crooked liar.”

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Which segues nicely into, “She has the blood of US soldiers on her hands.”

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You’re doing well. So far you’ve had no outbursts and you feel like you just might get through this.

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Until they start to boast about how great Trump is. “He’s a great business man who is going to shake up Washington and get things done.”

 

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When you ask about all the awful things he’s said they just admit, “He just says what everyone is too afraid to say.”

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You’re faith is humanity is hanging on by a thread until someone inevitably says, “All lives matter.”

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It’s then that you realize that you’re never going to change their minds. They will forever think of you as weak bleeding heart liberal. You will forever think of them as scared racists who are afraid of progress. Rather than waste your energy debating, a better use of your time is to beat them to the dessert table.

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Don’t despair. As stressful as your family is, just remember that New Years is just around the corner and you’ll be spending it surrounded by a gaggle of gays guzzling  champagne and vodka-Redbulls. Cheers.

 

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Be sure to follow the adorable Dean the basset hound on Instagram @deanthebasset

1. Art. They say distress breads great art. We may be entering an era of great music and movies. In addition SNL is going to be hilarious. 
2. Melania Trump’s fashion. I want big bows, the highest heals, and ruffliest ruffles. Bitch better work it like a drag queen lip syncing for her life. 
3. Unity. After gay marriage was passed the well organized gay rights movement seemed to lose momentum due to the lack of a clear goal. Now we can unite against a common enemy. 
4. 2020. Democrats are almost guaranteed to win the White House and Senate in 2020 especially if we can talk Michelle O into running. 

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It’s not much but we’ve got to hunker down and survive the next 4 years. 

I’m at a loss for words. 

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