Baldwin Booty and Topping Tatum 

You’ve just won a date with a Hollywood hunk. Here’s what you can expect:

Matthew McConaughey: Making plans is hard as he doesn’t want to nail down any specifics. You end up finding him at a bar hovering around the backroom. You suggest going back to his place but he blows off that suggestion with a nonsense excuse. He’s only down for some dirty public sex either in the car or on the pool table in the back of the bar. You can already see the outline of his pierced dick in his tight jeans so you make a mental note not to chip a tooth once your down there. For a moment you consider quitting once you notice the dark lighting is only good for hiding his weathered leathery skin. You soldier on though because gagging on the PA of an Oscar winner is a great story to tell your friends. As expected he murmurs an Alright alright alright soon after cumming. Although it was a fun time you write it off as a one time thing because he was clearly high and you didn’t even get to see his Oscar.

Chris Pratt: After talking to Chris you quickly realize how down to earth he is especially when he recommends his favorite restaurant, the Olive Garden, for dinner. Once seated he explains that he has a few months off before his next movie and is excited to relax and enjoy the vacation. After ordering the Tour of Italy and finishing off his third basket of bread sticks you start to bond over a love of Game of Thrones and alfredo sauce. He spills some secrets from Parks and Rec and you admit to jerking off during Jurassic Park. Once home you swap blow jobs on the couch while watching HGTV. After he leaves he sends you a Snap of his dick with the dog filter on it. You reply with your face swapped with your dog’s butt. It might be true love.

George Clooney: The evening starts out wonderfully as George brings you to a very expensive restaurant. The magic is quickly squashed when you realize the price for your dinner is a 2 hour long rant about social injustice and the election. When he stops to take a call from Bono you consider texting McConaughey to see if he’s out. Matt never responds so you’re stuck with George as he continues on with his diatribe. You end up at his place with your main motivation being a curiosity to see his house and the possibility of getting a pick with his Oscar. You wait as he takes a very long shower and it’s becoming clear he’s a huge germophobe. The sex sterile and unexciting at best. When recalling the evening to your friends the next day you realize that neither of you actually came. After a donation to his charity you ghost him and never respond to his texts again.

Channing Tatum: Rather than go to dinner and a movie Channing brings you out to his lake house to chill around the bonfire. After grabbing some beers you head out on his boat to smoke cigars while going over last night’s game. At the end of the day when you’re back in the cabin he removes the enormous butt plug he’s had in all day and puts on some tight nipple clamps. Good thing you haven’t been skipping your cardio because his demanding hole requires Olympic level pounding. You’re left drained and dehydrated and he’s left with a severe nose burn from all the poppers. You’ll consider a second date but only after some serious endurance training.

Zac Efron: Zac is very direct and he tells you straight out that his favorite thing to do on a first date is to watch the extended directors cut of High School Musical. He points out all the subtle nuances of his performance often rewinding each scene for analysis as you wish for the sweet relief of death. You manage to hang in and not harikari yourself and at this point it would feel like a failure to quit before the sex. Your face ends up in a pillow in front of a huge mirror and apart from the distinctive sound of the record button being tapped on his iPhone the only thing you can hear is your date quietly chanting “Zac. Zac. Zac” with every thrust. Before you leave you give him Clooney’s number.

Alec Baldwin: Alec tells you to meet him at a local deli down the road that’s famous for their roast beef sandwich. Even though you’ve never heard of the place you’re quickly won over by the best sandwich you’ve ever had. Alec is dressed casually and you can see his thick salt and pepper chest hair poking out from under his tight plaid shirt. After you embarrass yourself by calling him Jack Donaghy he reassures you there is no reason to be nervous as his large strong hand grips your thigh. Back at his place he suggests you both hop in the pool to cool off. Without any modesty he sheds is clothes as he walks toward the water. You marvel at the site of his thick furry butt and can’t resist taking a picture for your spank bank. After a wet and heavy make out session you both get out and he pushes you down on the padded chaise lounge chair next to the pool. He moves his ass over your face and quickly lowers himself down. The lack of air is difficult but you choose rimming over breathing. You can tell he’s jerking off because you feel his heavy balls slapping on your chin. After a while he starts to grunt and you feel ropes of hot cum land on your belly. Even though he doesn’t help you get off and he basically only uses you for your tongue you still add his number to the favorites on your phone.

Chris (and Liam) Hemsworth: You’re so excited for your date with Chris Hemsworth. At the last minute he calls to inform you that brother Liam is in town and will be tagging along. The three of you grab drinks and the brothers spend the whole night horsing around and reminiscing about their days back at camp as you quietly sip a vodka diet in the corner. At the end of the night you’re drunk and hoping to finally ditch loser Liam but surprise surprise he tags along to the bedroom where it’s revealed that he likes to watch. What results is a very passionate 3way because Liam apparently likes to do a lot more than just watch. You’re so stunned by how affectionate the two brothers are with each other that it takes you a moment before you realized that they’ve moved to the other side of the bed and all but forgotten you. You stay for a bit to watch before quietly slipping out the door unnoticed amidst the sounds of grunts and groans.

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