Humans are complex animals. In my last post I focused on the rage I feel when someone says “That’s why they hate us.” I wanted to shed light on the topic because it’s one that doesn’t get talked about much. However my post should not be used as a tool to make blanket generalizations about every feminine gay man or rather your reaction to them. After I made the post several people reached out asking if the post was about them. It was not about any single person because I’ve heard that phrase or ones similar used over and over again. I knew why they were asking though. Reexamining your past can make you question the motivations for the feelings you might not have dealt with before. You may not have said the exact words but were the underlying feeling the same? The answer is not as cut and dry as you think.
The idea of hating someone is often vilified but in the appropriate situations it’s a very legitimate feeling. When talking about hate everyone gets very defensive in fear of being labeled as intolerant. Hatred is a complex emotion with several different dynamics going on. Two of the most important dynamics that needs to be separated are a person’s actions vs who they are. If you find yourself disliking a feminine guy you might genuinely have some homophobic issues that you need to work through. Conversely he may also be an asshole that deserves to be hated regardless of his femininity. A good way to tell the difference is to ask yourself a question: Does he make me angry or uncomfortable? If he’s doing something to you that’s causing you to be angry then that’s a sign of warranted hate. If he just makes you generally uncomfortable then you’re probably the type of person I was talking about in my previous post. Appropriate hate is tied to specific actions while inappropriate hate comes from disliking someone for who they are. Maybe you have a low tolerance for obnoxious bitchy behavior. Unfortunately some (not all) very feminine guys tend to lean on bitchiness as a crutch trying to emulate drag culture where reading is fundamental. A bitchy queen is a great example where it’s easy to jump to the conclusion of internalized homophobia even though there are other factors at play. I remember 2 years ago we stopped for dinner after the annual Pride celebration in the Dallas gayborhood. As you can imagine the place was full of gays who hadn’t seen sobriety in hours. We ended up getting seated next to a table of particularly loud and flamboyant men who weren’t saying no to the margarita refills. Suddenly we were surrounded by finger snaps, ear piercing laughter, and the word girl slurred about three hundred times. It really was hellish. I love a witty comment and a caddy comeback as much as the next queen but this table had gone deep into obnoxious territory. They got so loud that we were having trouble hearing our own conversation and this was a 5pm dinner not midnight at a bar. On that day I hated those gay men. Were they flamboyant? Yes. Were they rude and obnoxious? Yes. I hated them because of their actions and because their lack of self control ruined my otherwise perfectly good meal. So while very feminine men deserve respect that doesn’t give them carte blanche to be assholes. No one gets a free pass to be an asshole. Simply stated: hate a person for what they do not for who they are.
Our culture has never done well with nuance which tends to create a very polarized society. This is only magnified online where everyone is pushed to one end or the other. You’re either the bully or the victim, the sinner or the saint. As we know life isn’t that clear cut and within all of us lies both sides of the coin. With that in mind I figured it would be helpful to provide some senarios as a way to model appropriate actions and reactions:
- A man walks by carrying a women’s purse. His choice of clothing or accessories has no impact on you. If you don’t like it that’s your issue not his.
- A friend comments on a Facebook picture of you and your mom, “Your mom is a fierce cunt. Werk bitch!” This is clearly inappropriate. Although his intentions were good (in a fucked up way) he’s still an asshole.
- A man wearing a full face of makeup. Again his choice of appearance has no impact on you at all. If it makes you uncomfortable it’s because of your own bullshit.
- Bruce Jenner deciding to transition and change his name to Caitlyn Jenner. This was a incredibly ground breaking moment that deserves total respect.
- Caitlyn Jenner choosing to continue her support for the Republican politicians. That’s just fucked up. Trailblazers can still be assholes.