Humans are complex animals. In my last post I focused on the rage I feel when someone says “That’s why they hate us.” I wanted to shed light on the topic because it’s one that doesn’t get talked about much. However my post should not be used as a tool to make blanket generalizations about every feminine gay man or rather your reaction to them. After I made the post several people reached out asking if the post was about them. It was not about any single person because I’ve heard that phrase or ones similar used over and over again. I knew why they were asking though. Reexamining your past can make you question the motivations for the feelings you might not have dealt with before. You may not have said the exact words but were the underlying feeling the same? The answer is not as cut and dry as you think. 

The idea of hating someone is often vilified but in the appropriate situations it’s a very legitimate feeling. When talking about hate everyone gets very defensive in fear of being labeled as intolerant. Hatred is a complex emotion with several different dynamics going on. Two of the most important dynamics that needs to be separated are a person’s actions vs who they are. If you find yourself disliking a feminine guy you might genuinely have some homophobic issues that you need to work through. Conversely he may also be an asshole that deserves to be hated regardless of his femininity. A good way to tell the difference is to ask yourself a question: Does he make me angry or uncomfortable? If he’s doing something to you that’s causing you to be angry then that’s a sign of warranted hate. If he just makes you generally uncomfortable then you’re probably the type of person I was talking about in my previous post. Appropriate hate is tied to specific actions while inappropriate hate comes from disliking someone for who they are. Maybe you have a low tolerance for obnoxious bitchy behavior. Unfortunately some (not all) very feminine guys tend to lean on bitchiness as a crutch trying to emulate drag culture where reading is fundamental. A bitchy queen is a great example where it’s easy to jump to the conclusion of internalized homophobia even though there are other factors at play. I remember 2 years ago we stopped for dinner after the annual Pride celebration in the Dallas gayborhood. As you can imagine the place was full of gays who hadn’t seen sobriety in hours. We ended up getting seated next to a table of particularly loud and flamboyant men who weren’t saying no to the margarita refills. Suddenly we were surrounded by finger snaps, ear piercing laughter, and the word girl slurred about three hundred times. It really was hellish. I love a witty comment and a caddy comeback as much as the next queen but this table had gone deep into obnoxious territory. They got so loud that we were having trouble hearing our own conversation and this was a 5pm dinner not midnight at a bar. On that day I hated those gay men. Were they flamboyant? Yes. Were they rude and obnoxious? Yes. I hated them because of their actions and because their lack of self control ruined my otherwise perfectly good meal. So while very feminine men deserve respect that doesn’t give them carte blanche to be assholes. No one gets a free pass to be an asshole. Simply stated: hate a person for what they do not for who they are.

Our culture has never done well with nuance which tends to create a very polarized society. This is only magnified online where everyone is pushed to one end or the other. You’re either the bully or the victim, the sinner or the saint. As we know life isn’t that clear cut and within all of us lies both sides of the coin. With that in mind I figured it would be helpful to provide some senarios as a way to model appropriate actions and reactions: 

1. A man walks by carrying a women’s purse. His choice of clothing or accessories has no impact on you. If you don’t like it that’s your issue not his.  
2. A friend comments on a Facebook picture of you and your mom, “Your mom is a fierce cunt. Werk bitch!” This is  clearly inappropriate. Although his intentions were good (in a fucked up way) he’s still an asshole. 
3. A man wearing a full face of makeup. Again his choice of appearance has no impact on you at all. If it makes you uncomfortable it’s because of your own bullshit. 
4. Bruce Jenner deciding to transition and change his name to Caitlyn Jenner. This was a incredibly ground breaking moment that deserves total respect. 
5. Caitlyn Jenner choosing to continue her support for the Republican politicians. That’s just fucked up. Trailblazers can still be assholes. 

I love gay men in all their varieties but I hate when a gay man says, “That’s why they hate us.” Whenever I hear it my blood starts to boil and the fight music from Kill Bill fills my head as I try to avoid a rage stroke. If you’re lucky enough to be unfamiliar with this phrase let me explain. It’s usually used by more masculine leaning gays to describe a gay man who is comfortable with his femininity. The ‘they’ in question refers to Republicans and religious leaders who condemn us for having what they believe is an immoral lifestyle. Even though I should ignore the phrase and write it off as internalized homophobia I can’t let it go. The term internalized homophobia is a buzz word that, like bullying, has been overused and watered down so let me take this opportunity to dig down and unpack everything that’s wrong with the phrase, “That’s why they hate us.” 

First the basic logic of the phrase is flawed. Over the past few decades we as a community have done a great job at changing people’s attitudes toward us. One of the most successful ways this has happened has been through entertainment with shows like Will and Grace, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, and RuPaul’s Drag Race. Before that it was Elton John and Liberace blazing a fabulously flamboyant trail in music. I’d argue that straight people actually like flamboyant gay men the most. Every girl wants a fabulous gay best friend that she can gossip and shop with. For example NBC hired flamboyant figure skater Johnny Weir as a commentator for the summer Olympics simply because the public loved him. Therefore the phrase would actually be more accurate if it was “That’s why they love us.” It still doesn’t change the fact that there’s a large number of people who hate gay men. When a person hates someone for being gay it’s because they’re a bigot. Plain and simple. That hate has nothing to do with clothes, lisps, or hand gestures. The problem lies within them. 

Sometimes when I’ve challenged the phrase with a person they explain it by saying something akin to, “I just don’t see how anyone would find that attractive.” So fucking what?! There is a very important distinction that needs to be made. Just because you don’t want to fuck him doesn’t mean he deserves  disrespect. So many gay men determine the value of another man based solely on his looks. We all know guys who are bad friends that use and mistreat people but they always seem get a second chance because they’re hot. I’ve tried pointing this out to many of my bears friends in the past but they look at me like I’ve just said the earth is a triangle. Unfortunately the concepts of value and sexual attraction are very hard to untangle but be aware that they are separate. Humanity, kindness, humor, talent, and intelligence all have nothing to do with the way a person looks. 

Lastly and most importantly when a gay man says “That’s why they hate us” what he’s really saying is “That’s why I hate us.” It’s his own shame, ignorance, and yes internalized homophobia being projected onto another person. His deep seeded need to blend in and be just like everyone else creates a fear of anyone who challenges that safety. A brave and flamboyant gay man challenges every part ourself that still hides in the closet. 

Spoilers!

1. FYI this season is being broadcast on VH1 in HD. Set your DVRs accordingly. 
2. Katya deserved to be in Adore’s spot. Their looks were equally mediocre but Adore’s actual talent was much better. Katya absolutely wasn’t the worst but she was worse than Adore. 
3. I love Tatianna’s bitchy superiority vibe. Thank you. 
4. Bye Coco. We forgot you before and we’ll forget you again. 
5. If Roxxy Andrews can stay nice she really has a chance to turn her career around. She’s very talented but people HATED her after her season due to her bullying. 
6. Michelle went in on Adore harder than any of the other queens causing some internet backlash. She needs to be careful because Toderick is more than ready to take over hosting duties on the BOTS tour. 
7. Alaska is still the best on the show. #TEAMALASKA 
8. Ginger for top 3? I would have switched her with Alyssa Edwards. 
9. I originally wanted Detox in the top 3 but now I’m rethinking. She’s really good but not really great. 
10. I love all the new twists this season. It’s the perfect way to keep things fresh and interesting. Now there’s basically a built in untucked episode before the lip sync. You nailed it RuPaul. 

RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 2 (aka Season 5: the sequel) is almost here and I’m so excited!

1. I suspect Katya isn’t going to do as well as people expect. Honestly I haven’t been impressed by her drag since season 7 ended and I’ve heard mixed reviews of her performances.
2. I’m living for Alyssa Edwards!
3. Coco Montrese needs to bow and kiss Alyssa’s ring. Alyssa is the only reason why Coco’s here. As soon as she was sent home the public collectively forgot about her. Alyssa was clearly the memorable one of that duo.
4. Clearly Alaska has to win right?
5. My hope for the Top 3 are: Alaska, Alyssa, Detox. Possible switch of Detox for Adore. Note: that’s my hope not my prediction.
6. Thank god they aren’t doing teams.
7. Lip sync for your legacy? YASS! YASSSSS!
8. The weakest seem to be Coco and Phi Phi. I hesitate to include Tatiana because I think she the biggest unknown.
9. I bet Phi Phi goes home early because I keep seeing photos of her doing press dressed as a boy when the rest of the cast is in drag. 

The Winners

Simone Biles: In gymnastics, like many Olympic sports, the difference between the gold and bronze medal can sometimes only be tenths of a point. From 1972 to 2012 the average margin of victory between gold and silver has been .208. Simone Biles won by 2.1 points. That’s bigger than the margin of victory from 1980 to 2012 combined. That’s insane!

Simone Manuel: Going into the 100 meter freestyle Simone Manuel was not expected to win. She was going up against the current world record holder Cate Campbell and as well as her sister Bronte Campbell of Australia. The final was not only noteworthy because there was an Olympic record setting time as well as a tie for gold but most importantly Manuel became the first black woman to win an individual gold medal in swimming. Her very genuine reaction when she saw the score board brought tears to my eyes. You can see the joy on her face.

Michael Phelps: This man is easily the greatest swimmer that has ever lived. In fact he’s basically a swimming machine. He’s won more gold medals than anyone else ever. Since his first gold in 2004 he has won a total of 23 golds and 5 silvers. It’s insane to think that he’s been winning gold for 12 years. The crazier fact, the one that most people miss is that Athens in 2004 wasn’t his first Olympics. Phelps completed in Sydney in 2000 but didn’t win a metal. So if your trying to do the math in your head, he was only 15 at the time. 5 Olympics and 16 years. Wow.

Aly Raisman: Aly was on the women’s team who won gold in 2012 in London. When she competed in the All-Around competition she tied for the bronze. A tie breaking rule was used which pushed her down to 4th despite having the same score as bronze winner Mustafina. Determined she came back in 2016 and found herself once again battling her old rival Mustafina for 3rd place. After a good balance beam performance and an outstanding floor routine she ended up winning the silver in the Women’s All-Around. As soon as she landed the final flip in her floor routine tears of joy rolled down her face. Way to go Aly.

Honorable Mention

Ryan Lochte: Lochte is a great swimmer and if he had been born 10 years earlier or 10 year later he might have avoided being outshined by Michael Phelps. However everyone’s favorite Jan Brady has stolen the spotlight in one key area: hair. Ryan’s silver died hair has been one of my minor obsessions of the Rio games. Long live the silver fox.

Johnny Weir: NBC brought Johnny Weir to Rio as a special commentator and he has been winning gold for his daily fashions. Make sure to follow his Instagram account because he has been giving be so much life. Go Johnny Go!

Battles over politics have been breaking out on Facebook in greater numbers since the election began. As friends and family jump into the fight to post their opinions someone inevitably makes the observation that they wish people could have a political discussion without it turning ugly. With the country so polarized it seems everyone is having a difficult time  sharing  (and listening) to opposing ideas in a way that stays polite and friendly. I understand it because separating the beliefs from the person is a skill I’ve always lacked. This goes far beyond politics too. My boyfriend plays in a gay softball league and often there are deep rivalries on the field that he is able to let go of once the game is over. The same guy he was cursing at during the game is the friendly face he’s saying hello to at the bar afterward. I watch the whole thing in amazement because I’m the total opposite. If I hate a guy during the game I’m going to hate him afterward at the bar. I’m also going to hate him tomorrow on Facebook and next week at a pool party. To me he doesn’t get a free ‘I’m an asshole’ pass because his actions were done during a game. If he’s an asshole athlete then I tend to believe he’s an asshole person. In fact I suspect the athlete side of him is the truer version of his personality and he’s just learned how to mask it in polite interactions. The same goes for political beliefs. If you disagree with me on an issue that I have strong opinions on I can’t get past it and it’s a total deal breaker. I’m even worse when it comes to Trump, I instantly question a supporter’s intelligence and automatically assume at least moderate levels of racism. A person’s beliefs, just like their actions, are a core part of who they are and I have trouble giving that a pass. Backing a presidential nominee who was the leader of the birther movement is a total deal breaker that goes on their permanent record. No amount of hotness or brilliance can overcome that. With all this said I should be clear that I’m not proud of this reaction and I wish I had some of Russ’ good sportsmanship ability. I’ve tried to soften my approach but I simply don’t understand how a reasonable human can defend the Republicans right now.

Luckily I also don’t feel this way about every subject. For example I’m not going to turn on you when I hear your opinions on financial regulations because I don’t have a strong opinion on the matter. I realize my perspective is harsh and therefore I ignore the need to chime in with a long diatribe on Facebook. Yes I believe anyone who votes Republican in this election is automatically signing up to be the villains in a future Oscar nominated movie but no I do not need to constantly shove that in their face. I’ve realized if I want to really change someone’s mind I should trying having a real talk with them in person. Ask questions and really listen to them rather than just monologuing about social injustice. So the next time you feel the need to enlighten someone with a Facebook comment remember that no one has ever said, “Wow that long Facebook rant really changed my perspective on the election.” 

1. So is it The Great British Baking Show or The Great British Bake Off? (It’s Bake Off in the UK and Baking Show in the US)

2. I want to cover Paul’s face with my royal icing.

3. Why do they love ruining perfectly good pastry by putting pork and veal in it?

4. Why is Paul Hollywood into wearing clothes so much? Fuck that. I mean seriously I want to fuck that.

5. The British are so polite. Even though you’ve been eliminated you still gets a big group hug.

 

6. Those crystal blue eyes tho

7. I want Sue and Mel to host everything. Move over Tina and Amy.

 

8. It would be nice if Paul Hollywood would slap his penis against my face.

9. Mary Berry is the sassy British grandmother everyone needs.

10. Paul has the salt and pepper hair that dreams are made of.

11. I wonder if I can buy a proving drawer at Home Depot? Maybe Williams Sonoma?

12. I would ride Paul Hollywood harder than a roller-coaster at 6 Flags.

13. Why do they always sit so close together? It looks very uncomfortable.

14. I want to wear Paul’s jock strap as a face mask.

15. There are so many cakes that I’ve never heard of. Have you ever heard of a tennis cake before this?

16. I imagine Paul smells like cinnamon sugar after a hard work out.

17. Seriously Brits stop using meat and vegetables when you bake. Cut that shit out.

18. One last message for Paul Hollywood: I’ve heard that some people think you’re attractive. I’m not sure I see it… Personally I’d give you a 6.5 at best.

 

You can find The Great British Baking Show on Netflix and your local PBS station.

I suspect most guys don’t put a lot of thought into what they wear. I however have been known to plan outfits weeks in advance. With an upcoming event on Friday I thought this would be a good opportunity to walk you through my process in order to help you dress smarter.

Event: Lawn seats for a concert with a forecasted temperature of 100 degrees.

Things To Consider:

Weather/Temperature: In this case the weather will have a huge impact on my outfit choice. Considering that I’ll be outside in triple digit heat means I need something light weight that I’ll be comfortable sweating in. Also there’s a good chance I’ll be sitting on the ground so my shorts should be ones I don’t mind getting dirty. Nothing brand new or special. 

What Look Am I going For? Do I want to be fashionable or fuckable? Preppy or pretty? The possibilities are endless but my mood will have a big impact on the style I choose. Personally I never feel pretty or sexy when I’m hot and sweaty so most likely I’ll be aiming for fun and functional aka practical with personality. 

Practicality: An outdoor concert packed with drunk people in the height of summer means that function will win out here. Of course I always want to look nice but I need to assume that I might have sweat marks early and even a spilled drink on me later. Nothing to fussy. This screams an older pair of cargo shorts with a tank top.

Will Pictures Be Taken? This might seem like a shallow thing to consider but it makes a difference. Last year I wore the same tank top to a couple different parties over the course of the year. These events were months apart and in one case 1500 miles away. As it happened there were a ton of pictures taken at those parties so anyone looking on Facebook got the impression that I only own and wear one shirt. Maybe take a scan through your pictures to see if you see any repeat offenders.

Be Appropriate: I believe in wearing the appropriate clothing for the occasion.  This is a general admission Dixie Chicks concert so a restrained casual dress code is called for. Nothing too over the top. I’ll save my super gay or overtly sexual tee shirts for a stop off at the Eagle afterward.