We’re only 2 episodes into this season of Game of Thrones and I’m already getting bored. I feel the need to give advice to each character on the best course of action ahead.
Cersei– First and foremost you need to ditch that god awful short
wig hair you’ve got. You look like shit. Get some medieval extensions STAT! Once your hair is did get back to being the crazy and conniving queen we need you to be. Your first victim needs to be that holier than thou Bernie Sanders High Sparrow.
High Sparrow– I appreciated your whole judgmental shtick last season. Cersei and her crew needed a good reality check and you provided that with full walk of shame realness. However you’re whole routine has gotten seriously stale and now you’re just a kill joy. It’s time to concede defeat and go home.
Tommen– So far you’ve been pretty nice and level headed as the little king especially when compared to the rest of your family. That ends now. I’m hoping the reunion with your mom brings out the deep crazy that is hard wired in your DNA. Start by getting your wife out of jail because she’s 100% more interesting than you are.
Margaery– You’ve been stuck in prison and I know the struggle is real. Once your hubby gets you out the first thing on your to do list is to get back to fighting with Cersei. While you’re at it call your grandmother and get her back. She is the Sophia Petrillo everyone in King’s Landing needs.
Jaime-I’ll be honest you’ve become a little beige in the last few seasons. I thinks it’s time for a huge relationship ending fight with your sister lover. Let’s shake shit up with a good incest war.
Tyrion– You’ve got a good thing going now that you’re away from your family. I like your idea of setting the dragons free. My only recommendation is that you need to get back to the brothels for some random titty action. This season has sadly been sex free so far.
Daenerys– Two steps forward two back. You ended last season by flying away on a dragon like boss but ended up getting caught up in more nonsense. Get your dragons back and start getting shit done.
The Grayjoys– Thank you Theon for your help with Sansa but now you and your whole family need to go home and stay home. You’re all bland as fuck so stop wasting screen time like some Derrick Berry bullshit.
Ramsay– You’re a sociopathic murderer and rapist. I hate to say it but we need more people like you on the show. You’re the perfect cold hearted villain I love to root against. Your lack of limits brings an unexpected excitement. No safe word needed.
Sansa– You’re my favorite Stark. Actually you’re the only Stark who doesn’t bore me. Your struggle with Ramsay was riveting to watch. Now that you’ve escaped with Brienne I hope she teaches you how to be a badass bitch.
Brienne– You do you. You’re serving up I don’t need a man realness.
Arya– Ugh I’m so over you’re whole bag of bullshit. Your story line has nothing to do with anyone else’s and while I realize you’re being set up for events down the road it’s time to speed things up and get moving. I recommend you hook back up with your brother Bran the Boring so we can at least combine two lackluster plots into one.
Bran– I liked it last season when we totally forgot about you. Now that your back you need to start making waves. At the very least start fucking Hodor or something. Westeros needs a hungry power bottom now that Joffry is gone.
Jorah Mormont– Your whole lovesick crush on Daenerys has gotten pathetic and now you’ve got that weird stone skin decease. It’s time a random slave kills you.
Melisandre– Listen girl, I know you’re all sad because you think your fire vision was wrong. Cheer up. You brought John Snow back from the dead which means you’ve still got your mojo. Get back to being the cray cray devil woman we need.
Jon Snow– I wasn’t surprised at all when you came back from to life. The whole time you were laying on that table I wasn’t thinking Will he or won’t he? I was actually thinking 2 main thoughts: 1. You’re a lot skinnier than I expected. 2. When you come back to life are you going to do the dramatic gasp for air or the more subtle eye twitch?