1. That breakfast looks delicious. This pancakes are no joke. 

2. The key around his bicep is very bathhouse chic. 

3. That dick tho! His penis is perfect looking. He’d make a good dildo model. I wonder what the total length is? There’s got to be at least an inch or two unseen below the table. #blessed 

4. Having a knife that close to a pretty penis makes me nervous. 

5. Where does one buy a mesh tank top? I’ve never gone anywhere and thought, I wish I had a mesh tank to wear. 

6. What restaurant are they at? As we can see that’s not a public boner that is easy to hide. Did no one notice or was the waiter just chill AF?

7. I’m curious as to the series of events that lead to this public dick slip. How’d he get this hard? Maybe he’s just really jazzed for those fluffy pancakes. 

8. For what I assume was a quick pic on the fly this photo came out remarkably well. Good clarity and decent lighting. 

9. His tongue reaches down to the bottom of his chin. That’s insane. 

10. Seriously though those pancakes look good. 

This is my first blog post talking about politics since February. I’ve made a point to avoid the topic because so much of our media is saturated with it. Before I continue I need to explain one reference below. I loathe Donald Trump and everything he stands for. My hatred for him runs deep and began long before he ever ran for president. I vowed to never type his name in my blog. The current political race has made that very difficult as I do not want to completely ignore the election. So I’ve come up with a compromise. Going forward I will not type his name instead I will only refer to him as Aaron Burr. As a fan of the musical Hamilton I chose Aaron Burr as a nickname because there is a moment when Hamilton is asked to choose between Aaron Burr and Thomas Jefferson. Hamilton’s response is “I have never agreed with Jefferson once. We have fought on like 75 different fronts. But when all is said and all is done Jefferson has beliefs. Burr has none.” I think that is a perfect description as any.

What are we going to do with that crazy haired loudmouth? He hates Hillary and his supporters deeply distrust her along with any establishment politician. Many of the people behind him think that most of Washington has been bought off by special interest groups and his outsider standing is a large part of his appeal. In fact his membership in the party is relatively new compared to others. People see him as a true outsider. Despite his popularity with white people the party elite is worried that his views are too extreme and will alienate racial minorities and center leaning voters. His huge rallies are high energy and high tension and in some instances his supporters have used violent tactics to get their message across. While you might assume I’m talking about the Republican presidential nominee I’m actually describing Bernie Sanders and his supporters. When you take a large step back isn’t it remarkable how similar the supporters of Bernie Sanders and Aaron Burr are? Obviously the men themselves are quit difference and they have different views on how to correct our country’s deep problems but make no mistake I think they both believe the problem is the same: establishment politicians like Hillary Clinton.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend Russell and I had lunch with his father and the topic of politics inevitably came up. His father is strongly in favor of Aaron Burr while Russell is strongly against Burr. The discussion was getting heated and I tried to be somewhat of a bridge building centrist despite being strongly in favor of Hillary myself. In the end father and son agreed to disagree and also agreed that they shouldn’t discuss politics again. Despite all my judgments and opinions the lunch gave me a huge insight into why people like Aaron Burr. Russell’s dad explained that he liked Burr because he wasn’t a politician. In his mind most politicians are corrupt and all of Washington needs an huge overhaul. I got the sense that all those news stories attaching Burr for his awful views actually helped him in the eyes of his supporters. To them it just proves the establishment doesn’t like Burr and that’s good because the establishment is the problem. When Russell asked about all the awful racist things Burr has said his father’s response was simply, “He’s just saying what everyone has thought.” To his supporters, Burr’s awful hate speeches have come off as brutally honest and therefore a positive regardless of the actual message. Russell’s dad did make one point very clear though, he’d never ever vote for Hillary Clinton. It was an eye opening afternoon as it gave me the rare opportunity to get a good look at the other side’s perspective.

While I don’t often get a chance to talk politics with an Aaron Burr supporter I do have much more contact with Bernie Sanders supporters. In the effort of fairness I’ll give Bernie a nickname too. For the purposes of this article I’ll call him The High Sparrow. While Aaron Burr focuses more on the problem of social corruption from minorities, The High Sparrow deals mainly with financial and political corruption. Many  of the Facebook posts I see in support of the Sparrow are all underscored with the basic point that Hillary and the Democratic establishment are inherently corrupt and we need to save the country from them. Party leader Debbie Wasserman Schultz has clearly made a pact with the devil because the only way to explain The High Sparrow’s losses is due to voter fraud. It’s not possible that more people actually prefer Hillary. To his supporters, The High Sparrow is the anointed savoir that will bring about the changes needed to fix all this corruption.

While thinking about all the similarities between the supports of the two politicians it brings me some comfort to realize that we are all much more alike than we are different. I laughed at the Republicans for a long time because the white extremists of the Tea Party made a mockery of their party. I find it utterly fascinating that now The High Sparrow has (unintentionally?) created his own liberal version of the Tea Party. We as Democrats now have our own group of extreme white people who think it’s their duty to fix America and prevent Hillary from getting to the Oval office. Hopefully the black and Latino voters will vote with some perspective and not become disenchanted by all the crazy white people.

1. Congrats Bob the Drag Queen for a well performed season. 

2. I like Kim Chi’s “Fat Fem and Asian” song the best of the three however I hope they eliminate the lip syncs from next year’s show. 

3. Naomi Smalls I’m sorry to say had the worst initial look. The green latex dress was kind of fun but the hair and makeup were atrocious. Princess Leis hair and crazy over drawn lips… No me gusta. 

4. I was honestly surprised to see that Carol Channing is still alive. Great seeing her message to Bob. 

5. What the hell was with Naomi’s video message from Lena Headey? Clearly they tried to get Naomi Champbell but she said no. There weren’t other supermodels available. I like Cersei but it just felt like it was from left field. 

6. What was going on with Katya’s outfit when she came out for Ms. Congeniality? I feel like there was a bigger joke or story that we missed. Barefoot?

7. I loved Thorgy’s look and it was cool to hear here play the violin. 

8. Violet Chachki stole the entire show when she walked out to present the crown. That gown and head piece were AMAZING. She totally proved she deserved to win. 

9. If you look on YouTube there was a lot of footage cut out of the show. Great videos include Trixie Mattel confronting Acid Betty, a performance from the House of Edwards, and runway walks from past season queens. 

10. Final thoughts. I liked season 8. It was so much better than season 7 although it felt much shorter. When I look back at all the seasons in comparison to the rest it falls right in the middle of the pack. Everyone was likable and talented but there weren’t as many memorable moments as there could have been. 

At 34 years old I’m officially a grown up and I’ve come to the realization that being an adult means giving up all the things I enjoy. Call it wisdom or fear but as I get older I’m constantly adding everything I enjoy to the growing list of things that are bad for me. Why can’t I have a natural love of vegetables and exercise? Food was the first major category to get hit with the realizations of adulthood. So far I’ve had to give up a lot of my favorite foods like cake, pasta, cookies, and bagels because they are unhealthy. On the rare occasion when I treat myself to a forbidden sugar filled dessert I always have that small voice in the back of my heading whispering, “this is going to kill you.” Gone are those carefree dessert days. The next thing that got tainted by adulthood was sex. After moving to Texas I was confronted with the harsh reality that people are not always honest about their HIV status. Coming from Connecticut where my gay community was much smaller and family like I was slapped in the face with the ways of the big city. Like bad food on the rare occasions when I do have a hook up there’s always a nagging uncertainty lurking. Food and sex have made me realize that the recklessness of my youth is disappearing with a great alacrity.

I’ve given up a few things but the journey is not over. Although I’ve cut down on sugar and carbs I still eat too much fast food. I’m sure a doctor would say any fast food is too much fast food so that will probably be the next to go. Goodbye my beloved Whataburger chicken fingers. Most of the rest of my list can all call be lumped under the general category of I can’t afford that. Finances have been on my mind a lot lately. I say that as if it’s a new phenomenon. To be honest my bank account is constantly on my mind. However recently I have been trying to think of more ways to tighten my budget. That’s caused me to look at unneeded travel with a more critical eye and I’m also currently in the midst of a clothing embargo. I’m trying to go 2 months (until July 1st) without buying any clothes. It’s a practice in giving up the joyous past time of shopping. Now if I can only find a way of spending less money on food (my biggest expense after rent) I’d be home free. The last thing I’ve given up is the dream of owning my own home. I haven’t totally given it up as much as I’ve just readjusted the timeline. I figure it will be 2020 at the earliest before I can start down that path.

With all this said I should acknowledge that I do enjoy getting older although as I re-read this post I’m not sure why. Is wisdom really the only benefit of age? If so that’s a raw deal. (Of course I’m being sarcastic) Seriously though, with everything I will and have given up there have been gains too. I have friends and a wonderful boyfriend so it all balances out. 

Dear Tina Fey,

You are a national treasure because your work is always intelligent and funny. I enjoyed you on SNL but like most I didn’t really fall in love until 30 Rock. The night cheese world of Liz Lemon was the best kind of comedy. The intelligently written episodes never got too high brow and the silliness was never lost. When I listened to your book Bossy Pants on a road trip to Houston I ascended to a new level of joy. Since then I’ve re-listened to it too many times to count. While awards are often trivial and biased you definitely haven’t won enough of them. Regardless of what else is said please know that I want to personally thank you for all you’ve done. SNL, 30 Rock, Bossy Pants, Golden Globes host, and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt have all been wonderful.

Watching the second season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is actually what inspired this letter. I deeply loved the first season so when season 2 premiered I binge watched the whole thing that first weekend. I really enjoyed it as a whole although it didn’t quit live up to my expectations. I assume you’re probably starting to prepare for season 3 and I thought this would be a good opportunity to give you my perspective as a viewer. Don’t worry this is not going to dissolve into a total bitch and moan session. Like I said I really did like the season however I just think there are some minor changes that could be made. I’ll start by focusing on what I loved and what I’d like to see more of. Anna Camp as the hyper competitive rival mom Deirdre was hilarious. Please bring her back?! Also your alcoholic doctor Andrea Bayden was a perfect fit for the show. The contrast between her daytime and nighttime personas was hilarious. However one thing I would have preferred was that both characters got more screen time consistently throughout the season rather being just a few episodes at the beginning or end. Deirdre for example was used a lot in the beginning but then both her and Jacqueline seemed to be forgotten by episode 7. Jacqueline’s storyline needs to be addressed too. I appreciate her character arch of trying to find humanity and get out of her ‘rich wife’ bubble but now that she’s done that it’s time for her to go back to being rich and crazy. The wonderful dynamic between her outlandish life as compared to Kimmy’s was very entertaining. For all of season 2 I kept wanting Jacqueline to go back to the way she used to be. The other character that needs some tweaking is Titus’ boyfriend Mikey. First of all I need to acknowledge what a wonderful fully realized character Titus is. Everything about him is brilliant. Mikey however falls a little flat. I love the idea of his character but he comes off as a bit two dimensional especially when compared to Titus. I’d definitely want him to come back for season 3 but maybe he needs to be given more of a personality and backstory to fill him out.

In conclusion, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is a great show that I’ll continue to re-watch over and over again. I’m just asking for Jacqueline to get rich, Mikey to get a well rounded personality, and Andrea and Deirdre to return. I hope this unsolicited advice helps because I’m obviously a television expert. (I’m kidding) Otherwise keep winning at life like you always have and letting us the public benefit from your wisdom.

 Sincerely 

The Gay Gasp

Sometimes as I’m scrolling through Tumblr I get distracted by something other than a big belly. Those small details that make you stop for a second look. 

Love, money, friendship, and sex are major tenants of a happy life but so are all the little things that can make or break your day.

The Best of Times

When the other side of the highway is stuck in gridlock traffic and you’re sailing along at 70 mph.

When your waitress brings you a drink refill before you have to ask.

The guy with a thick booty who loves showing it off in a tight suit at a pool party.

Getting charged for the (cheaper) regular sandwich at Subway when you really got a deluxe.

When you wipe your ass after a shit and the toilet paper comes back totally clean.

Pulling up to a drive through with no cars in front of you.

Having an empty seat next to you on a plane.

When the total price comes out to an even number.

When you find another Hamilton fan at a party.

 

 

The Worst of Times

Diarrhea at work.

When you ask for ketchup and the waiter brings you one of those tiny single serving cups

When you forget to save that super cute Snapchat.

Being courteous and letting a car in front of you only to have them become the slowest vehicle on the road.

Trying to eat healthy when you’re broke.

When he’s a shitty human being but still hot.

When all your most popular Instagram pictures aren’t of you.

1. I’ve never been happier to be wrong. I’m pumped Kimchi is in the top 3. 

2. Why didn’t they show us actual clips from the video? It was as if it had nothing to do with the actual final decision. 

3. Random observation: RuPaul just released an album in March called Butch Queen. However the song The Realness is off her March 2015 album. I wonder why they didn’t plan better and do a song from the new album. 

4. Where was the Tic Tac heart to heart lunch with Ru? It was cheesy but I enjoyed it. 

5. Bob and Naomi dropped the ball for their ‘best drag’ and looked boring. Bob’s makeup was a mess as well. 

6. Chi Chi was a kind and funny queen but her talent was not up to par with everyone else’s. I liked her but I agree that she deserved to go home. 

7. Who will win Ms. Congeniality? Thorgy? Chi Chi? Or Reddit fav Cynthia Lee Fonatin?

8. The winner finds out at the same time as we do. The finale will be taped May 10th in Los Angeles. In order to avoid spoilers they actually tape 3 different endings with each of the queens winning. That’s why the winners never cry or get overly emotional. It’s all an act done tree times over. 

9. Although Naomi is a fan favorite online, I think the real battle is between Bob and Kim. I can see it going either way. For the finale Bob needs to pull out a legit polished  look with excellent makeup and Kim needs to work on her performance ability especially if they follow last year’s model and each do an individual song. 

10. This season reminds me of season 6 when I really didn’t dislike any of the top 3. While I really want Kim Chi to win, I honestly won’t mind if Bob or Naomi takes the crown. They each have legitimate talent. 

We’re only 2 episodes into this season of Game of Thrones and I’m already getting bored. I feel the need to give advice to each character on the best course of action ahead.

 

Cersei– First and foremost you need to ditch that god awful short wig hair you’ve got. You look like shit. Get some medieval extensions STAT! Once your hair is did get back to being the crazy and conniving queen we need you to be. Your first victim needs to be that holier than thou Bernie Sanders High Sparrow.

High Sparrow– I appreciated your whole judgmental shtick last season. Cersei and her crew needed a good reality check and you provided that with full walk of shame realness. However you’re whole routine has gotten seriously stale and now you’re just a kill joy. It’s time to concede defeat and go home.

Tommen– So far you’ve been pretty nice and level headed as the little king especially when compared to the rest of your family. That ends now. I’m hoping the reunion with your mom brings out the deep crazy that is hard wired in your DNA. Start by getting your wife out of jail because she’s 100% more interesting than you are.

Margaery– You’ve been stuck in prison and I know the struggle is real. Once your hubby gets you out the first thing on your to do list is to get back to fighting with Cersei. While you’re at it call your grandmother and get her back. She is the Sophia Petrillo everyone in King’s Landing needs.

Jaime-I’ll be honest you’ve become a little beige in the last few seasons. I thinks it’s time for a huge relationship ending fight with your sister lover. Let’s shake shit up with a good incest war.

Tyrion– You’ve got a good thing going now that you’re away from your family. I like your idea of setting the dragons free. My only recommendation is that you need to get back to the brothels for some random titty action. This season has sadly been sex free so far.

Daenerys– Two steps forward two back. You ended last season by flying away on a dragon like boss but ended up getting caught up in more nonsense. Get your dragons back and start getting shit done.

The Grayjoys– Thank you Theon for your help with Sansa but now you and your whole family need to go home and stay home. You’re all bland as fuck so stop wasting screen time like some Derrick Berry bullshit.

Ramsay– You’re a sociopathic murderer and rapist. I hate to say it but we need more people like you on the show. You’re the perfect cold hearted villain I love to root against.  Your lack of limits brings an unexpected excitement. No safe word needed.

Sansa– You’re my favorite Stark. Actually you’re the only Stark who doesn’t bore me. Your struggle with Ramsay was riveting to watch. Now that you’ve escaped with Brienne I hope she teaches you how to be a badass bitch.

Brienne– You do you. You’re serving up I don’t need a man realness.

Arya– Ugh I’m so over you’re whole bag of bullshit. Your story line has nothing to do with anyone else’s and while I realize you’re being set up for events down the road it’s time to speed things up and get moving. I recommend you hook back up with your brother Bran the Boring so we can at least combine two lackluster plots into one.

Bran– I liked it last season when we totally forgot about you. Now that your back you need to start making waves. At the very least start fucking Hodor or something. Westeros needs a hungry power bottom now that Joffry is gone.

Jorah Mormont– Your whole lovesick crush on Daenerys has gotten pathetic and now you’ve got that weird stone skin decease. It’s time a random slave kills you.

Melisandre– Listen girl, I know you’re all sad because you think your fire vision was wrong. Cheer up. You brought John Snow back from the dead which means you’ve still got your mojo. Get back to being the cray cray devil woman we need.

Jon Snow– I wasn’t surprised at all when you came back from to life. The whole time you were laying on that table I wasn’t thinking Will he or won’t he? I was actually thinking 2 main thoughts: 1. You’re a lot skinnier than I expected. 2. When you come back to life are you going to do the dramatic gasp for air or the more subtle eye twitch?