Shame Boners

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Shame Bon•er (noun)- Being ashamed of your sexual attraction toward someone because you dislike them as a person. The shame of getting aroused by someone you hate. “I have a total shame boner for Rick Santorum.”

I have a shame boner for the Noodles & Beef guy. There is so much shallow vanity  involved in his pictures that it makes my soul hurt deep inside. He and his band of merry muscle pups prance around with locks around their necks and steroid needles in their butts. Shirts are busting at the seems (if worn at all) and waste bands barely cover the bush. He’s the epitome of our shallow selfie obsessed culture and yet I still can’t get enough. My dick drools over every picture I see. One of his pictures is all I need to jerk off. While the jerk session might be quick the aftertaste of shame lasts much longer. I should be better than this yet I can’t seem to muster the strength to unfollow him on Tumblr or Instagram.

Congratulations you win Noodles & Beef. Your powers are just too strong.

 

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All pictures via Noodlesandbeef.com.

 

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I’m Thankful For Mariah Carey

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For Thanksgiving I’m thankful for the daaahling diva herself Mariah Carey.

 

6. Drag Race Logo- I suspect RuPaul got some inspiration for the logo of Drag Race from Mariah Carey’s drag race themed video for Loverboy. It was off the Glitter soundtrack so you probably missed it. .

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5. Precious- Mariah Carey’s over the top glamour is well documented. Her name calls to mind images of gowns, champagne, and fur coats. However she surprised everyone when she stripped it all away to play a helpful social worker in the movie Precious. Her acting was quiet and believable. She didn’t try and steal any attention from the main character and she did her job so well that many people didn’t realize it was her.

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4. That 5 Octave Rage– MC has done a lot to promote her diva persona so many people forget that she is incredibly gifted with real vocal talent. Having a 5 octave rage is a rare thing and she’s got it. Recently Adele was giving and interview and talking about trying to hit all her high notes during live performances. She acknowledged, “I can’t always do it ya know. I’m not Mariah.”

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3. All I Want for Christmas Is You- Mariah Carey was the number one selling female artist of the 90s. (Sorry Madonna) That would be enough for most people but she also decided to release a new Christmas song amongst her other hits. It was a stunt no one had tried in decades. Not only was All I Want For Christmas Is You a great song but it also became an instant classic along side Little Drummer Boy and Noel.

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2. We Belong Together– Easily my all time favorite Mariah Carey song. It was such a huge success that Billboard named it the #1 song of the decade (2000-2010). The original ballad is breathtaking and the remix is legendary. Also the shot of her from the video against the blue headboard will be etched in my brain forever.

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1. “I don’t Know Her”- There is a legendary story about Mariah Carey’s dislike of Jennifer Lopez. This was years ago when JLo had first become famous and MC was asked about her in an interview. Rather than launch into a mean spirited tired of insults Carey decided to take a different route and simply reply, “I don’t know her.” This simple statement was the shaddiest of all shade. Mariah Carey was basically saying that she didn’t care about Lopez enough to bad mouth her and as we all know the opposite of love is apathy not hate. This idea has become one of the major foundation for my blog. The people who I truly despise are the ones I completely ignore. Recently MC addressed the issue saying that at the time she was just being honest and that she truly had never heard of Jennifer Lopez. I suspect she’s just trying to cover her tracks but I still love her for it whether it’s true or not. The next time you’re confronted with questions you don’t want to answer just remember, “I don’t know her.”

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oh and she’s used the same avoidance tactic with other celebrities too…

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Thank you Mariah for all the good music and for all your crazy antics.

For more MC check out the videos for:

We Belong Together

All I Want For Christmas Is You

30 Things Every Adult Should Know

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Peter Pan syndrome is alive and well and it seems like no one really wants to grow up these days. I therefore find it very refreshing when a man isn’t afraid to grow up and act like an adult. Think of this as a checklist for life or at the very least a jumping off point for becoming an adult.

Every adult should know: 

  1. How to change a flat tire
  2. How to jump start a car
  3. How to tie a tie
  4. How to swim (i.e. not drown)
  5. How to iron a dress shirt or pants
  6. The name and location every US state on a map
  7. The name and location of every continent on a map
  8. How to hold a conversation with someone you just met
  9. The names of all the current Supreme Court Justices
  10. The names of the current President, Vice President, and Speaker of the House
  11. The name of the Governor of your state
  12. The significance of the number of stars and stripes on the US flag
  13. Who Harriet Tubman was
  14. The artist who painted the Sistine Chapel
  15. The artist who painted the Mona Lisa
  16. The name of at least one song by the Beatles
  17. Which entertainment genre matches up with The Emmys, The Oscars, The Grammys, and the Tonys
  18. What sport match up with The Super Bowl, The World Series, The Stanley Cup, and the World Cup
  19. How to calculate percentages (calculator allowed)
  20. Your blood type
  21. Your HIV status
  22. How to cook at least one full meal without looking at a recipe
  23. How to start a grill
  24. How to hang a framed picture on your wall
  25. How to do your own laundry
  26. How to sew on a button
  27. How to parallel park
  28. How to correctly lift weights
  29. How to enjoy a concert without watching it through the screen of your phone
  30. The difference between Facebook friends and real friends

 

*Items listen in purple are the items that I can’t do myself.

 

Picture courtesy of Curtis T.

Home For The Holidays

Over the next month or so many of us will travel back home to visit our immediate and extended family. Traveling back home always brings it’s own set of challenges as we have to revert back to our family friendly G-rated selves.

Pack– A fleece jacket or vest will be your lifesaver. Fleece is light weight and will keep you warm and toasty as the temperatures drop. Pick up a fleece vest if you’re a thicker bear who’s tends to overheat easily. Another pro of fleece about fleece is that it exists at high fancy price points as well as cheaper down to earth options. There’s something for everyone.

Avoid- Down jackets and vests. Just because they sell something doesn’t mean you should by it. Puffy down jackets are the perfect example. Every year down it featured in every store despite it being a very problematic clothing item. It adds a lot of unneeded bulk to bears who usually have their own natural padding which can cause us to look like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. In addition to body proportion problems a down jacket is also a very dated look. It reminds me of the late 90’s and early 2000’s when NSYNC was blowing up the record charts. Stay away.

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Read- Troublemaker by Leah Remini. Leah Remini has finally written the book we’ve all been waiting for. She’s finally dishing the dirt on her escape from Scientology and it’s the perfect book for a long drive or flight. I haven’t read it yet but you can be certain it’ll be with my on my flight home on Thursday. (It goes without saying that I’ll be listening to the audio book. I never actually read books)

Avoid- Anything book by a Republican presidential candidate. Trust me you’re only going to make yourself mad. Holidays bring on enough stress so there’s no need to add in more.

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Watch– The Great British Baking Show. Going home for the holidays usually means you’re going to be staying with family. With so many diverse options for television it’s best to stick to something that’s very G rated. The Great British Baking Show is a wonderfully charming show reality competition that people of all ages can enjoy.

Avoid- HBO or Netflix Original programming. You might get the idea to turn them onto something new like Aziz Ansari’s Master of None or Game of Thrones on HBO. Avoid this instinct at all costs. As jaded adults who see porn almost as soon as we unlock our phones we quickly forget how sexual these programs can be. With sensor requirements there is rarely a G-rated episode. No one wants to give granny a heart attack from medieval tits on GOT. Save those for the parties of just you and your friends.

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Listen- 25 by Adele. Everyone can agree that Adele is wonderful. If you don’t like her than I assume you’re a soulless monster. Of course I’m kidding. (not really)

Avoid- Drake, Miley Cyrus, and Justin Bieber. You’ll find yourself tirelessly defending rap as a legitimate art form, Miley’s crazy outfits, and Justin’s crazy antics. Save your breathe because you’re never going to win them over.

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Click- Clips from the show Lip Sync Battle. This competition show is perfect for entertaining your family. Avoid watching full episodes by searching out the best clips online. I highly recommend Joseph Gordon Levitt doing Rhythm Nation and Anne Hathaway doing Wrecking Ball. Also look for Emma Stone doing Runaround by Blues Travelers on The Tonight Show.

Avoid- Letting anyone hold your phone. Never give your unlocked phone over to a family member. God only knows what they’ll see if they start wildly tapping the screen like a toddler playing Wack-A-Mole. No good can come of it. I prefer the excuse “It’s only at 5% and I don’t want to waste the battery.”

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Discuss- Celebrity make ups and break ups. It’s a pretty safe and neutral current events topic to discuss with your parents. Gwen and Blake’s new relationship is a good place to start followed quickly by Gwen and Blake’s respective divorces. Any disagreements can be chalked up to  those “crazy Hollywood types.”

Avoid- The Syrian Refugees, Republican presidential candidates, and Caitlyn Jenner. Like so much above save yourself the trouble of trying to change anyone’s mind. They’re old and stuck in their ways and you’re little speech about diversity and acceptance is going to fall on def ears.

 

 

 

Visit Macys.com, Kohls.com, and LLBean.com to purchase the vests pictured.

 

 

 

Masc 4 Masc

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Last week I watched the documentary “Do I Sound Gay?” The film looks at the phenomenon of gay  men who tend to have feminine sounding voices and speech patterns.  I was hoping for an in-depth look at culture and speech from an academic perspective but instead I saw the filmmaker’s heavily personal struggle with low self-esteem after a break up. One pet peeve was that the filmmaker constantly used the term straight acting rather than masculine which is a small but very telling difference in terminology. It wasn’t until the end of his film journey that he realized that not all straight guys are masculine and vise versa. Confusing straight acting and masculinity marginalizes straight men as much as it does gay men. Overall I found the subject matter of the documentary thought provoking but the film itself just wasn’t what I was hoping for.

Flashback

Place: A kindergarten classroom

Year: 1987

The teacher calls for all her students to line up single file for recess. Girls in one line boys in the other.

Un-named boy: “Hey Joey, shouldn’t you be in the other line with the girls? You’re a girl aren’t you?”

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Ever since I can remember I’ve always been effeminate. The scene above is real and those types of situations happened to me on a regular basis starting at a very young age. Back then we didn’t know what gay was so all of my behavior was labelled as “girlish.” I was a little girly-boy who covered his walls with pictures of Jordan from New Kids on the Block and sang along to Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Regardless of the label it was made crystal clear to me that whatever I was didn’t belong with all the other boys. All of this tends to sound a bit melodramatic but I tell you only to illustrate the fact that people have been telling me I was gay long before I knew what the word meant. And they were right. In fact I look back on my childhood with happy memories and being called out for being flamboyant was actually a tremendous gift. It forced me to take an honest look at myself at an early age because there was no hiding or denying it.

Watching Do I Sound Gay made me curious about the real life manifestation of masculinity since it’s a territory that I’m general unfamiliar with. While most people live somewhere in the middle of the spectrum there are those of us who tend to fall at the farther outer edges. I’ve heard arguments on both sides of the coin. Butch gays complain about guys who are overly effeminate and effeminate gays lament about the overly butch. The funny thing is that the complaints are usually the same from both sides. Each group is so far at opposite ends of the spectrum that they have trouble understanding why the other side is so extreme. They say things like, “No one is really that butch/effeminate. They’re just acting that way for attention.”  Personally I don’t think it’s a conscious act but rather a natural reaction to life’s hurdles.

During our adolescence and teenage years it’s difficult to figure out who we are when we feel inherently different from everyone around us. As puberty hormones take over we’re filled with a swirl of constantly changing emotions that only clouds our view. We have no idea who we want to be so many of us start to form our identities based on who we don’t want to be. For me that meant valuing my gayness because I didn’t want to be like the butch jocks that always made fun of me. Conversely guys who were uncomfortable or afraid of being gay might have gone running toward hyper masculinity as an escape from themselves. I took a moment to think about all my friends who are very masculine and I had a sudden realization that of all the gay men I know the butchest ones were all married to women in their past. It suddenly made sense to me that the most masculine guys were once married because at some point they tried and succeeded at hiding who they were. They were running away from homosexuality the way I was running away from masculinity and I had a sudden understanding for their struggle.

What I learned was that none of us are perfect and we shouldn’t judge others too harshly because in most cases we’re just as guilty as they are. There’s nothing wrong with being masculine or effeminate as long as you are being authentic. My boyfriend Russ is a good example of someone who is authentically masculine. He’s played sports his entire life and when we met he even drove a pickup truck. He looks and sounds like the picture of masculinity until the Wicked soundtrack comes on. If he hears Defying Gravity on the radio watch out because he knows every word and he’s going to sing it out loud. On my part I’ve also tried to broaden my horizons and no be so one sided. While I’m not good at playing sports I’ve found enjoyment in watching them from the stands. I guess that’s my biggest advice you can take away from this post. Whether you fall on the butch side or feminine side of the fence don’t be afraid of the opposite side. If you’re masculine don’t be afraid to let loose and queen out every once and a while. For my fellow effeminate brothers I challenge you to not be so stereotypically angry toward sports or outdoor activities. Be original because you’re bitchy Facebook post making fun of sports is a tired and warn out  joke. When we close ourselves off to a whole side of life for no reason we end up only hurting ourselves in the long run. Strive to be who you want to be not who you don’t want to be.

 

 

 

Be Thankful for Butts in Public

It’s the season of Thanksgiving and there is plenty in life to be thankful for. Today I’m thankful for butts in public. Here’s to all those beautiful booties that pants can’t contain.

I’m thankful for wilderness retreat butt

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I’m thankful for grocery store butt

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I’m thankful for pool side butt

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I’m thankful for detention butt

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I’m thankful for beach buddy butt
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I’m thankful for 18th hole butt

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I’m thankful for Vegas balcony butt

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I’m thankful for street fair butt

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I’m thankful for locker room butt

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I’m thankful for lumberjack butt

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I’m thankful for big bro butt

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I’m thankful for rest area butt

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I’m thankful for tattoo butt

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I’m thankful for beach party butt

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I’m thankful for urinal butt

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I’m thankful for sidewalk butt

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I’m thankful for open ocean butt

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I’m thankful for F150 butttumblr_nv1ateBYpA1tldgu3o1_1280.

I’m thankful for rugby butt

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Thank you Tumblr for all the butts.

What’s Your Favorite Movie?

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Someone recently asked me what my favorite movie was. I honestly didn’t have an answer and the more I thought about it the more I was left blank. Years ago I would answer that question with the Bette Midler & Lily Tomlin classic Big Business. It was my absolute favorite movie as a kid and I can still quote most of the dialogue to this day. However as an adult who’s now seen many more movies I’d hardly say Big Business beats all the rest. So what would it be? I’m not even sure I could pick a top three let alone an absolute #1.

I asked my roommate the same questions and he had a similar answer to mine. He said he usually told people E.T. but that was more of a stock answer rather than a true opinion. As we got talking it occurred to me that there are two kinds of favorite or great movies. First are the sophisticated well written and well acted films that you like and respect. I’ll call them the fancy movies. Second are the more cheesy sentimental movies that you might consider a guilty pleasure. I’ll call them the fun movies. The other main difference is that fun movies are the ones that you can watch over and over again and never get tired of. Fancy movies however are great and wonderful but you only need to watch them once. You walk out of the theater saying “That was amazing but I never need to see it ever again.” A great example of one of my favorite fancy movies is Her starring Joaquin Phoenix. I absolutely loved its cinematic style and how it broke the cliché movie trope that the future has to be filled with gloom and doom. On the flip side, a fun movie that I can watch over and over again is Monster In Law staring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda. It’s not exactly an award winner but I never get tired of it. Big Business would also fall more into the fun category. Interestingly enough one of the few recent movies that fulfills both categories is The Grand Budapest Hotel. It score points for both re-watchability and artistic achievement.

I guess I don’t have a #1 favorite movie. I do have favorites though. Here are some of my favorite movies conveniently broken up between fancy and fun:

Fancy Favorites

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  • Her
  • Gravity
  • The Social Network
  • Black Swain
  • Fargo
  • The Crucible
  • Good Will Hunting
  • Elizabeth
  • The Talented Mr. Ripley
  • Being John Malkovich
  • Precious
  • Blue Jasmine
  • The Woman In Gold
  • The Imitation Game

Fun Favorites

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  • Showgirls
  • Monster In Law
  • Big Business
  • Death Becomes Her
  • Chicago
  • Bridget Jone’s Diary
  • Evita
  • Girls Will Be Girls
  • The House of Yes
  • Sex and the City The Movie (the first one)
  • Clue
  • The Sword in the Stone
  • Kung Fu Panda
  • The Grand Budapest Hotel