A look at some of the stories making news.

1. When it was announced that there would be a slew of new Star Wars movies coming out it made me wonder why no one had thought of this before? I have no opinion about the actual movies and don’t mistake this for a haters rant. I just don’t know why it took this long. Give the gamers what they want because it’s very well-known that every nerd is a total Star Wars slut. They will line up in mass numbers to see literally anything dealing with George Lucas’ universe. In the past some have even paid to see non Star Wars movies just to see a SW preview. That’s true dedication to your pimp. While they might not like every installment, they’re definitely going to pay good money to be there on opening weekend. In fact why aren’t there Star Wars cartoon on Saturday mornings, Star Wars dramas on prime time, and Star Wars theme parks with Star Wars roller coasters? There should be a whole company designated with creating Star Wars entertainment to bleed the franchise dry. Give the people what they want and take all their money.

2. When Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State she didn’t use her official government email account. Since announcing her candidacy for president it’s been an ongoing scandal issue. My question is does anyone actually give a shit out Hillary’s email? I’m assuming this story is being kept alive by Republican politicians who are hoping to bring her down. It clearly hasn’t worked because I don’t think there is anyone outside of Washington who really cares. Maybe I’m wrong. Are the Clinton emails unifying the conservative base? Does the conservative base even know what an email server is? If this is the biggest scandal they could dig up then I think she’ll have an easy journey to Election Day.

3. Amy Schumer is a talented comedian and I’m pleased to see her succeed. She is often self-deprecating in her act and complains about her looks not fitting into Hollywood beauty standards. However when I think about it the only negative things I’ve heard about Amy Schumer have come from Amy Schumer. She’s created a world where it’s a huge struggle to be a pretty blond white girl with nice boobs. That struggle sounds really difficult. She should start a charity for pretty blond girls with Jennifer Lawrence and Taylor Swift.  #thestruggleisnotreal

4. Video of an NFL locker room interview has gone viral because there were several naked players walking around in the background. I watched it was enjoyed all the meat on display. I wasn’t offended nor did I think it was offensive. However part of me wondered how this was still a thing? Locker room interviews are one of those old school traditions that feels very outdated and bizarre to me. When a guy agrees to be a pro athlete does that mean he gives up all right to personal privacy? It reminds me of when we used to download free music on Napster. It was so easy and we could justify it to ourselves with a Robin Hood style notion of justice even though each and every one of us knew it was wrong. We should let these guys shower in peace or at least offer them the option to. I think the athletes should stage a huge protest by lining up in front of the camera totally butt-ass naked. Maybe they should do it with raging boners just to further prove their point. Yeah that’ll show those pesky reporters.