Your guide to all mobile media.
- What it is: The Godfather of all social media. It’s an all encompassing platform that lets you share every detail of your life. Post pictures and keep your personal information up to date. You can create event pages and get birthday reminders all while connecting with friends new and old.
- Who should use it: Anyone who’s social or has friends and family spread out all over the country. People tend to be their most reserved selves on Facebook because of their connections with family and co-workers.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Your mom. People who want to keep things private and anyone who doesn’t like getting invited to parties.
- What you’ll see: Vague status updates, complaints about everything that has mass appeal and that is well liked, a video link to someone’s latest favorite song that you’ll never pay attention too, controversial statements that only serve as a way of getting attention, and screen shots of Growlr conversations with ugly people.
Instagram (Owned by Facebook)
- What it is: Instagram is a picture sharing app that lets you connect with friends and strangers all over the globe. Pictures range from artsy and sophisticated to cute and crazy. Everything you like about Facebook without all the extra bullshit annoyances.
- Who should use it: People who likes taking pictures. Instagram was made for the people who flip through magazines only to look at the pictures.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Your Mom. Anyone who thinks taking selfies makes you shallow and self obsessed.
- What you’ll see: It’s selfie paradise. Selfies at the gym, in the bathroom, on the couch, in the car, and at work. Selfie, selfie, selfie. Beyond selfies there are also plenty of dogs pictures, vacation pictures, food pictures, and pictures of a cloudy sky through an airplane window.
- What it is: Twitter is to words as Instagram is to pictures. A mostly text based platform that lets you follow celebrities and comment on current events. With it’s heavy use by everyone in the entertainment industry, it’s one of the most commercialized social media platforms. Most people are pushing a new website, book, movie, blog or cable show.
- Who should use it: Anyone who can get their point across in under 140 characters. If you like getting into online fights with strangers or giving strong opinions on subjects you know nothing about than Twitter is your home.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Your mom. Everyone who’s not awful.
- What you’ll see: Most of Twitter is spent getting angry at everything or trying to get a celebrity to notice you. Also there’s plenty of generic porn if you look hard enough.
Tumbler (Owned by Yahoo)
- What it is: A gift from God and the unsung hero of social media. More specifically a blogging platform that’s been overtaken by porn. Customize your newsfeed to tailor the porn to your specific specifications. Everyone uses it for porn except of course for Taylor Swift. It’s porn and Taylor Swift.
- Who should use it: Everyone with a working penis.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Your mom.
- What you’ll see: Porn. Oh the cum inducing porn. No matter what you’re into there’s a Tumblr page for that.
- What it is: A disposable picture sharing app where nothing is permanent because everything you post is automatically deleted after only a few seconds. Remember Penny from Inspector Gadget? She grew up and created Snapchat. “This message will self destruct in 10 seconds.”
- Who should use it: People with a sense of humor who enjoy funny nonsense pictures and videos. Have you ever thought Instagram was too serious and sophisticated? Also very useful for sending out naked pics.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Your mom. Everyone who thinks Instagram is too shallow and self involved. Not to be ageist but this is one app that more mature adults simply don’t get.
- What you’ll see: What’s for dinner, sneak attack pics, bad quality concert videos, happy hour drinks, goofy work pictures, and shirtless selfies that weren’t good enough for Tumblr or Instagram. Basically anything you don’t care about saving.
Vine (owned by Twitter)
- What it is: Shareable 7 second videos. Laid out in a standard Instagram style newsfeed.
- Who should use it: Comedians and creative types.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Everyone who has gotten bored with it.
- What you’ll see: Short clever videos. You’ll think it’s a lot of fun until you realize you’re not creative enough to make quality Vines of your own. After a couple of months you’ll most likely stop using all together. They also routinely delete all porn.
- What it is: *Looks around suspiciously* I don’t know. Why are you asking? What have you heard?
- Who should use it: Shhh it’s a secret.
- Who shouldn’t use it: Your mom. Seriously, she shouldn’t even know it exists. If she asks? LIE!
- What you’ll see: Nothing. You’ll see nothing. Now move along and stop asking questions.