Joe’s Spank Me Time

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Photo courtesy of Spartacubs on Tumblr

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The Boyfriend Application

I was single for a long time before meeting a great guy and I’d like to help all my single friends out there find the same happiness. I’ve noticed a lot of guys tend to focus too much on looks. While physical attraction is important, it’s a person’s personality and values that will make or break a relationship in the long run. With that in mind I give you the Gay Gasp’s Boyfriend Application:

BFA

As you can see the questions are designed to give you more information so that you can make an informed decision. There’s no right or wrong answer because it all depends on what you’re looking for. It should be noted that I stayed away from any sexual questions except for puppy play. From what I’ve seen that’s one fetish that tends to be more of a total lifestyle. It would be good to know whether or not your potential mate wants to wear a dog collar in everyday life or whether or not he’d have a problem with you doing it. I also separated out the triad question because I’m still amazed at all the guys who say they’re single while also being in a triad. Happy husband hunting.

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Pug photo courtesy of Etsy and Google

Why I Still Buy Music

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My two favorite songs right now are Downtown by Macklemore + Ryan Lewis and Hello by Adele. They’re currently playing on a constant rotation.

How do you listen to music? The days on buying a physical CD are long gone and digital music is king. Many people have stopped buying music all together because they would rather stream it through monthly services like Spotify. Spotify, which is owned by Facebook, is currently the number one music streaming service. It’s widely known that musicians get very little money from streaming music and the big dollars are in live shows. For the consumer this means digital music will continue to be dirt cheap and the days of expensive concert tickets are here to stay.

After trying all the different options I’ve decided to go back to paying for and downloading music through iTunes. I used Spotify’s premium (pay for) service for a long time and eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn’t a good fit for my needs. In the beginning I was excited to use Spotify and took the opportunity to listen to a bunch of different songs and albums. I was a kid in a candy store sampling all the different offerings. However as time went on I found that I mainly listened to the same self-made playlist over and over again. Like that kid in the candy store despite all the options I ended up with my good old gummy bears like I always do. At the end of 2014 it occurred to me that I was paying for more than I was getting or using. At $9.99 a month it would only be financially smart if I was listening to at least 10 new songs every month and I definitely wasn’t doing that. Instead I can go to iTunes and pay a $1.29 onetime charge for each of the songs I repeatedly listen to and save the monthly fees. In general I’ve always preferred to pay as I use rather than a monthly flat fee because I rarely use the service enough to make it worth while. I stopped paying for Netflix for the same reasons. Spotify’s monthly charge might not sound expensive however it adds up to over $100 a year. I looked at my buying history through iTunes and to date I’ve paid a total of $23.22 for the 18 songs I downloaded this year. That’s a pretty big savings. Of course everyone’s different and if you’re like my boyfriend who likes a constant variety then streaming music is a great option. My choice to switch back to paying for music also had to do with a desire to support the artists themselves. As I said I tend to listen to the same songs over and over again and I feel it’s unfair that I’m not fully supporting the person(s) that made them. You might be saying that Macklemore and Adele don’t need the money but I look at it more from a perspective of fairness. If I’m going to listen to their songs several times a day then I can at least shell out $1.29. I will say however that I still occasionally use Spotiy’s free service to find new music. That’s how I found last year’s Broken Over You by Grace Mitchell. Each service has it’s place but for now I’m going to stick to buying the songs I listen to.

P.S.

I’ve been listening to Downtown ever since it was performed on the VMAs and I’m amazed it took this long for it to finally start getting radio airplay. What took so long?

P.P.S

For the record I don’t use Apple Music’s streaming service.

Star Wars Sluts and NFL Butts

A look at some of the stories making news.

1. When it was announced that there would be a slew of new Star Wars movies coming out it made me wonder why no one had thought of this before? I have no opinion about the actual movies and don’t mistake this for a haters rant. I just don’t know why it took this long. Give the gamers what they want because it’s very well-known that every nerd is a total Star Wars slut. They will line up in mass numbers to see literally anything dealing with George Lucas’ universe. In the past some have even paid to see non Star Wars movies just to see a SW preview. That’s true dedication to your pimp. While they might not like every installment, they’re definitely going to pay good money to be there on opening weekend. In fact why aren’t there Star Wars cartoon on Saturday mornings, Star Wars dramas on prime time, and Star Wars theme parks with Star Wars roller coasters? There should be a whole company designated with creating Star Wars entertainment to bleed the franchise dry. Give the people what they want and take all their money.

2. When Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State she didn’t use her official government email account. Since announcing her candidacy for president it’s been an ongoing scandal issue. My question is does anyone actually give a shit out Hillary’s email? I’m assuming this story is being kept alive by Republican politicians who are hoping to bring her down. It clearly hasn’t worked because I don’t think there is anyone outside of Washington who really cares. Maybe I’m wrong. Are the Clinton emails unifying the conservative base? Does the conservative base even know what an email server is? If this is the biggest scandal they could dig up then I think she’ll have an easy journey to Election Day.

3. Amy Schumer is a talented comedian and I’m pleased to see her succeed. She is often self-deprecating in her act and complains about her looks not fitting into Hollywood beauty standards. However when I think about it the only negative things I’ve heard about Amy Schumer have come from Amy Schumer. She’s created a world where it’s a huge struggle to be a pretty blond white girl with nice boobs. That struggle sounds really difficult. She should start a charity for pretty blond girls with Jennifer Lawrence and Taylor Swift.  #thestruggleisnotreal

4. Video of an NFL locker room interview has gone viral because there were several naked players walking around in the background. I watched it was enjoyed all the meat on display. I wasn’t offended nor did I think it was offensive. However part of me wondered how this was still a thing? Locker room interviews are one of those old school traditions that feels very outdated and bizarre to me. When a guy agrees to be a pro athlete does that mean he gives up all right to personal privacy? It reminds me of when we used to download free music on Napster. It was so easy and we could justify it to ourselves with a Robin Hood style notion of justice even though each and every one of us knew it was wrong. We should let these guys shower in peace or at least offer them the option to. I think the athletes should stage a huge protest by lining up in front of the camera totally butt-ass naked. Maybe they should do it with raging boners just to further prove their point. Yeah that’ll show those pesky reporters.

Keep It Cute

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Most people fall into one of three categories: Cute, Hot, or Sexy.

  • Cute is a quality that usually involves a friendly face and a likable personality. Even though you might not pick them out of the crowd first they are the people who you’ll go home remembering. Having as much to do with personality as it does physical attractiveness, cuteness generally lasts a long time.
  • Hot means exactly what you’d expect it does. Those people who are blessed with or who have spent a lifetime trying to achieve the perfect body. When you walk into a room they are the people who you will inevitable notice first. While they may have well-rounded personalities, most people only care about their looks.
  • Sexiness is when you have an incredibly strong attraction but you can’t exactly pinpoint why. In a lot of cases fetishes play a heavy part when determining if you think someone is sexy. I have a friend who is incredibly hairy and he often says that a lot of guys are very attracted to him just for that. Sexiness is an attraction at a very primal and chemical level. You might hate their personality and be embarrassed by them in public but despite it all you still want to rip their clothes off.

We all have our own preferences that determine the specifics of each quality so the details can change but the overall idea is always the same. It should be said that some people, the Beyonces of the world, are winners in all three categories. To them I say congratulations and they can treat themselves to an ice cream because they’re probably not going to identify with or understand anything else in this post.

We all get to that point in life when we have to take a hard look at ourselves and start accepting our strengths and weaknesses. I’m no different and I’m getting old enough mature enough to have a healthy perspective of myself. As I see it my strength is definitely cuteness because my personality is often what wins people over. I’m also lucky to have been given a classic bear face (bald with a beard) which is a good compliment to the sassy things I say. The big lesson I’ve learned recently is that I should stop trying to fight against my weaknesses. Basically that means I need to stop trying to be hot and sexy. It’s really a losing battle considering the plethora of legit super hotties that I’m surrounded with. I simply can’t complete with the gold medalists of hotness. I’ll have much more success completing in a different arena rather than going for a head to head match.

Cuteness is nothing to be ashamed of and my time would be better spent strengthening that. Basically I need to stay in my own lane and keep it cute. Rather than trying to be good in all three areas maybe I’ll be happier if I focus my energy toward being great in one. It’s going to be very hard because I’m in a community that puts tremendous value on hotness. Than again with everyone trying to be the hottest it means there will be a lot less competition for the cutest.

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P.S.

Because I’m the friendly approachable guy who knows the super hotties I’m often confronted by people asking things like, “Why won’t _____ ever respond to me on Growlr?” That’s always a fun dance of politeness versus truth.