If I Won The Lotto: Watch Edition

My dream watch has always been the ($5400) white Chanel J12 watch. Without question that would be the first watch I would buy. Second, I would probably buy an Apple Watch. After looking through the options I prefer the ($15,000) 18 karate rose-gold face with the navy band. [Side note there is also a sport version that looks very similar for only $399.] Lastly the J12 and the Apple watch are pretty flashy so I’d have to get a more subtle classic watch. To fill that space I love the ($895) Burberry Large Chronograph time piece. It’s a beautiful dark charcoal gray with a deep blue face. Classy!

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Random Thoughts From A Public Bathroom

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  1. How does that one pube always make it to the top of the urinal?
  2. I should invest in American Standard.
  3. FYI I assume you’re hitting on me if you choose the spot next to me when all others are open.
  4. Have you ever noticed some guys have the same bathroom schedule as you at work?
  5. I like having dividers between urinals so I’m not tempted to peek.
  6. I’m always impressed with a guy when he has one of those minute long fire hydrant pisses.
  7. Please don’t moan. It’s awkward for everyone.
  8. Although recommended by dentists, it’s weird when you see someone brushing their teeth.
  9. Why are the latches on stalls so flimsy?
  10. I want a urinal at home.
  11. I love reading bathroom graffiti and am consistently amazed at how many people have sharpies on hand.

The Return of Fashion Police

fashion-police-featured1In the past I’ve talked at length about how much I loved Joan River and Fashion Police. The first reincarnation of the show after Joan’s death ended in an outrage movement style mini-scandal. I respect their need to change-up the show but that first attempt obviously didn’t work. While Kathy Griffin never seemed comfortable she was hardly the only one at fault. When the “weed and patchouli” scandal happened I got the sense that certain cast members over did the drama just as an excuse to leave the show.

After a long hiatus and some retooling the show is back. Much to my surprise most of the changes have brought it closer to what the original show was. Joan’s daughter Melissa has taken over as host and she brings and undeniable familiarity with her. Along for the ride with Melissa are Brad and Giuliana. Instead of hiring another comedian to replace Joan they have instead decided to have the last two chairs filled by rotating special guests. The guest hosts so far have been Nene Leaks and Lisa Rena. Margaret Cho has also been on the panel for two episodes and she is awesome. Unexpectedly she is the say-anything funny girl we hoped Kathy Griffin would be. She’s not a permanent host however and I think that’s a good move. There’s no rush and I like the idea of Fashion Police trying out a wide variety of people similar to how Kelly Ripa replaced Regis Philbin.

I’m super excited that Fashion Police is back and it feels just like the old show I fell in love with. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite shows again. Thank you Melissa for your hard work. It’s much appreciated.

10 Characters of Southern Decadence

tumblr_nudwsoQUGf1qcb3w6o1_540New Orleans is always a cast of characters and Southern Decadence only adds to it. See if you recognize any of these guys.

  1. The 8am Hero: At 8am you’re probably stumbling back to your room as the sun rises over New Orleans. That’s when you run into the guy who has already run 3 miles and brought coffee and beignets back for his roommates. He was with you last night at the bars but somehow he looks like he spent the last week at Bliss spa while you look like Courtney Love after a crack binge. You pretend to be nice all the while thinking “Stop showing off you over achieving asshole.”
  2. The Olympian: He drinks like a champion and he will impress with his vast partying skills. However all respect is lost when you realize it’s only 7pm and he will definitely be passed out by 10. He’s simply peaks too early. At first you thought he was a professional but now you know he’s simply an amateur.
  3. The Loch Ness Harness: Without fail he will always be wearing a leather harness. Cafe Du Monde? Harness. Afternoon pool party? Harness. Sunday brunch? Harness. Garden District tour? Harness. Happy hour at the hotel? Harness. Late night stop for a pizza? Harness. Visiting historic cathedrals before buying a commemorative Jesus Christ koozie? Harness.
  4. FOG aka Fancy Older Gays: No sugary purple voodoo nonsense and absolutely no beer for these sophisticated gentlemen. They have a refined palate that thrives on bloody marys and champagne cocktails. They’re trim waistlines are always a concern so IF they eat it will only be shrimp or martini olives.
  5. Butt Hole Surfers: While New Orleans provides many liquid pleasures for your liver to enjoy they’re not everyone’s main focus. A Butt Hole Surfer will have an occasional cocktail but his number one goal is knockin boots, flooding the tunnel, riding the meat mallet, playing the skin flute, dining at the two moon saloon. He wants slings, piss troffs, and public bathroom glory holes. He also has a tab at the Phoenix and the Rawhide that’s always open.
  6. The Honeymooner: We all go to Southern Decadence to have fun and party hard. Most of us love the debaucherous weekend but are always glad to return home come Monday. At some point we all most of us get tired and grossed out by the overall skanky stank smell of the city. However there are those rare few who are enchanted by the smell of sewage and the uncertainty of a fragile economy. To the honeymooner, New Orleans is a land filled with nothing but sunshine and roses. He is already planning on how he can make NOLA his permanent home.
  7. The Gartening Inas: New Orleans has a rich and vibrant legacy of culinary delights and these foodies don’t want to miss any of it. It’ll be easy to spot the Inas because they’ll always check in at the best restaurants and pictures of their food will always be Instagramed. Be warned, it you have plans to meet up with them after dinner they will no doubt cancel on you because they are simply too full to go out. Most likely they will be in bed early watching the Food Network.
  8. The Red Devil: The Red Devil is usually the least drunk guy in the crowd due to either choice or AA affiliation. Don’t feel bad because gets his pleasure by persuading his heavily intoxicated friends to make ever worse decisions. You’ll recognize him because he’ll say things like, “Stay here and I’ll get you another double vodka tonic” or “Of course your ex loves your drunk texts” and of course “Can you say that one more time for the camera?”
  9. The Street Caller: That one specific local guy on the street who tries to con tourists out of money by claiming to know exactly where their shoes came from.
  10. The Professional: He drinks more than you could ever dream. You’re not even sure what he’s drink because all you see is clear liquid in his glass. He starts in the morning early with a bloody mary and end it with several empty Stoli bottles. Don’t be fooled though, the Professional is always in control. He’s never sloppy or messy and even after a 6 block hike he’s barely broken a sweat. You marvel at his self-control and the strength of his liver.

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Credit and Dedication goes to Andy Stark Samples. The ultimate New Orleans Honeymooner.

If I Won the Lotto: Car Edition

Like everyone I often dream about winning the big lotto jackpot. If it ever happens I have my immediate plan all worked out. The very first thing I would do is get on a plane and go away on vacation for a least a week or two while I get all my shit figured out. Upon my return one of the very first things I would buy is a car. I like my car now but I’d want to upgrade to something newer and flashier. With that said, I’d probably only buy one car. I really don’t see the need for multiples especially because I’m not really a “car guy” myself. I’ve narrowed it down to these four finalists and ranked them below. FYI: All vehicles are pictured in the exact color I would want.

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  1. Mini Countryman– I always tend to gravitate toward medium and smaller vehicles. A huge oversized gas guzzler just isn’t appealing to me. I love Minis but the 2 door Cooper is just a little too tiny for me. I love the Countryman because it still has all the charm of the Cooper but in a larger 4 doors package. Cute, fun, and sporty. Lotto or no lotto this is my current dream car.
  2. Lexus CT– I love a hatch back. Of course now they’re called Crossover vehicles or hybrids but it’s still the same concept. This car is near and dear to my heart because it’s basically the luxury version of the Toyota Matrix I have now. I grew up in a Toyota family and if I ever wanted a luxury car Lexus is the most logical step. I genuinely like this car and I guess it’s not a big surprise since I’m on my second Matrix. Clearly I have an affinity for this body style.
  3. Volvo S60– There’s something about a Volvo that has always said understated sophistication to me. I love that you can always recognize a Volvo’s distinctive look even though it’s not very flashy. They also have incredibly high safety records. If I was ever going to buy a traditional sedan (money being no object) it would be a Volvo.
  4. Nissan Murano– I included the Murano because it’s really the only SUV that I would ever really consider buying. I don’t dislike the idea of an SUV but there really has never been one that has appealed to me other than the Murano. I’ll call this the wild card entry.