- The 8am Hero: At 8am you’re probably stumbling back to your room as the sun rises over New Orleans. That’s when you run into the guy who has already run 3 miles and brought coffee and beignets back for his roommates. He was with you last night at the bars but somehow he looks like he spent the last week at Bliss spa while you look like Courtney Love after a crack binge. You pretend to be nice all the while thinking “Stop showing off you over achieving asshole.”
- The Olympian: He drinks like a champion and he will impress with his vast partying skills. However all respect is lost when you realize it’s only 7pm and he will definitely be passed out by 10. He’s simply peaks too early. At first you thought he was a professional but now you know he’s simply an amateur.
- The Loch Ness Harness: Without fail he will always be wearing a leather harness. Cafe Du Monde? Harness. Afternoon pool party? Harness. Sunday brunch? Harness. Garden District tour? Harness. Happy hour at the hotel? Harness. Late night stop for a pizza? Harness. Visiting historic cathedrals before buying a commemorative Jesus Christ koozie? Harness.
- FOG aka Fancy Older Gays: No sugary purple voodoo nonsense and absolutely no beer for these sophisticated gentlemen. They have a refined palate that thrives on bloody marys and champagne cocktails. They’re trim waistlines are always a concern so IF they eat it will only be shrimp or martini olives.
- Butt Hole Surfers: While New Orleans provides many liquid pleasures for your liver to enjoy they’re not everyone’s main focus. A Butt Hole Surfer will have an occasional cocktail but his number one goal is knockin boots, flooding the tunnel, riding the meat mallet, playing the skin flute, dining at the two moon saloon. He wants slings, piss troffs, and public bathroom glory holes. He also has a tab at the Phoenix and the Rawhide that’s always open.
- The Honeymooner: We all go to Southern Decadence to have fun and party hard. Most of us love the debaucherous weekend but are always glad to return home come Monday. At some point
we allmost of us get tired and grossed out by the overall skanky stank smell of the city. However there are those rare few who are enchanted by the smell of sewage and the uncertainty of a fragile economy. To the honeymooner, New Orleans is a land filled with nothing but sunshine and roses. He is already planning on how he can make NOLA his permanent home.
- The Gartening Inas: New Orleans has a rich and vibrant legacy of culinary delights and these foodies don’t want to miss any of it. It’ll be easy to spot the Inas because they’ll always check in at the best restaurants and pictures of their food will always be Instagramed. Be warned, it you have plans to meet up with them after dinner they will no doubt cancel on you because they are simply too full to go out. Most likely they will be in bed early watching the Food Network.
- The Red Devil: The Red Devil is usually the least drunk guy in the crowd due to either choice or AA affiliation. Don’t feel bad because gets his pleasure by persuading his heavily intoxicated friends to make ever worse decisions. You’ll recognize him because he’ll say things like, “Stay here and I’ll get you another double vodka tonic” or “Of course your ex loves your drunk texts” and of course “Can you say that one more time for the camera?”
- The Street Caller: That one specific local guy on the street who tries to con tourists out of money by claiming to know exactly where their shoes came from.
- The Professional: He drinks more than you could ever dream. You’re not even sure what he’s drink because all you see is clear liquid in his glass. He starts in the morning early with a bloody mary and end it with several empty Stoli bottles. Don’t be fooled though, the Professional is always in control. He’s never sloppy or messy and even after a 6 block hike he’s barely broken a sweat. You marvel at his self-control and the strength of his liver.
Credit and Dedication goes to Andy Stark Samples. The ultimate New Orleans Honeymooner.