Jeb Bush

One look at Jeb and you’d never know he was a Floridian. His skin and hair are both the color of day old oatmeal. A little tinted moisturizer can go a long way Jeb. However in his defense he does have the glazed over look similar to many of the elderly retirees that fill Florida nursing homes. You can almost imagine him watching the Price Is Right and sloppily sucking on pea soup. He’s hoping he can get some votes out of it by reminding you of your lovable senile old grandpa. His beach body would be nothing but translucent saggy man boobs.

Scott Walker

Scott Walker is the Sarah Jessica Parker of the GOP. Sometimes he can look adorable and charming and other times he looks like a toothy horse face. Luckily he has that ultra-pouty bottom lip that always seduces us. The more I look at him though the more I’m convinced he’s actually a Muppet come to life. If he becomes president do we all get a doozer of our very own?! When he’s at the beach the only thing we’ll be looking at is his other horse like appendage.

Rand Paul

It seems Rand Paul has taken all his fashion cues from the movie Ghost. More specifically the character of the murderous best friend Carl. His fluffy curled hair has that touseled just-out-of-the-shower look that is his trademark along with his signature wide eyes. While rumors of secret plastic surgery (face lights and eye jobs) have been circulating his reps deny it and insist it’s all due to getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night. His beach body is probably super tight and well defined with just a hint of scar tissue.

Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee hasn’t aged well and he looks much older than his 59 year old age. Age has brought on bloating and suspiciously dark hair. Exactly how much money is Just For Men hair dye donating to his campaign? Also let me provide this simple beauty tip: When it comes to makeup and foundation, less is more. I suspect his beach body would tell a very similar story. An overly spray tanned old man trying too hard to look young.

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz has a that classic news anchor hair that’s slightly greasy and never moves. Unfortunately it’s also his best feature. His oversize ears are only extenuated by his incredibly square head. And we won’t even talk about that nose. His beach body is the biggest mystery. I wonder if he’s nervous to take his shirt off at the beach due to obvious embarrassment over his square nipples?

John Kasich

If you’re not familiar with John, he’d remind you of a less bloated Larry Sanders. You could hang a picture of his incredibly generic face in any office and pass it off as the CEO and no one would ever question it. He’s just another boring white guy in a suit. He should use brightly colors and large prints to try and stand out. When he’s at the beach I have no doubt that he’s rocking a pasty white dad bod with a farmers tan.

Ben Carson

Ben Carson has style. His pinstripe suit and patterned tie give just a touch of flash. He looks sophisticated without looking boring but I guess that’s easy amongst a sea of forgettable white washed faces. I bet we’d be pleasantly surprised by a toned beach body complete with meaty butt muscles.

Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio looks like an animatronic ken-doll with movable natural hair. At his first major presidential debate he stuck with the navy suit and red tie combo that is a staple of the Republican style guide. Like Huckabee he went a little over board with the makeup and foundation. He may have even been wearing pink lip gloss. Regardless he’d definitely win the beach body contest with all that white washed Cuban flavor.

Chris Christie

Being from Jersey, Chris undoubtedly looks to Tony Soprano for fashion inspiration. Mr. Christie looks great in this classic navy suit. He knows that a dark color is slimming and that his light blue tie draws the eye up toward his face and away from any problem areas. Good work Chris! Prove to everyone that America is ready for a full figured commander and chief. With his swim trunks pulled high above his belly button he’d be proud of his beach body.

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This is dedicated to every female politician who has had to endure bullshit sexist commentary that focuses only on their appearance. I was inspired by one such article in the Washington Post examining the new hair style of DC Mayor Murial Bowser. These types of article are common place and no one seems to question their validity. I wanted to do my part to level the playing field. If it’s acceptable for the ladies than it should be just as acceptable for the men.