Bear Fanboys


Urban dictionary defines a fanboy as:

“A passionate fan of various elements of geek culture, but who lets his passion override social graces.”

While comic books and RPGs were the inspiration for the word it has evolved overtime to include things like Apple’s iPhone and watch. [Side note: One of Apple’s greatest skills is creating a fanboy frenzy for its products.] Recently it occurred to me that there is also a subset of the bear community that should be included be as fanboys. Bears being fanboys for nerd culture and Apple products is a tale as old as time and a song as old as rhyme. However I’ve started to notice that some guys are fanboys FOR bears. They are obsessed with all the hottest guys they see online and they yearn to one day be included in all those Facebook group pictures.

The other night I was introduced to Dan. He was in town visiting a mutual friend who happened to be a well know internet “hot guy.” As we talked I discovered that he was not so much a friend as a total bear fanboy. It felt like he was one step away from asking the hot bear to sign his tit for a future tattoo.

That gave me an idea. I’ve met a few of these types of guys before so I felt I would compile a guide to help you spot these fanboys in the future. Here are the most common clues:

  1. When he uses the word friend he is actually referring to social media friends. He talks about all the hot guys he knows but you slowly start to realize he only knows them through Facebook or at most they hung out once at a bear run. When he talks about his close friends he says things like, “We’ve never met but we’ve been chatting online for years.”
  2. He name drops the names of popular bears on Facebook and Tumblr. Here’s a tip, when I meet a guy for the first time he should have some friends that I’ve never heard of. It starts to become suspect when he only know the guys everyone else seems to know too. 
  3. It’s clear that he’s confused sexual attraction and honest friendship. You wonder if he has ever taken the time to look past the physical and get to know the person. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to your friends it should not be the only basis for the relationship. 
  4. When you mention a real friend of yours whose name he doesn’t recognize he’ll ask, “Do I know him?” Once he realizes the person doesn’t have 2000 Tumblr likes or an army of Instagram followers they are quickly dismissed and forgotten. 
  5. Conversation is difficult especially when a super hot bear is nearby. He’ll likely spend most of the time quietly following around said bear only to occasionally whisper “You’re so sexy” in his ear.
  6. He’s single. He has no idea why that super hot guy from San Diego didn’t fall madly in love with him when they finally met in Ptown last summer. Although he still holds out hope that they will end up together and live happily ever after.
  7. The only guys that keep his attention are the one that he has spent hours stalking online. Being hot doesn’t mean you are impolite, so many of the hot bears will be friendly and inadvertently string these fanboys along. When the fanboy tells the story of how they met their crush it always sounds something like, “I always thought he was the hottest guy on Tumber and then I saw him in Fort Lauderdale and had to go up and introduce myself. I think he remembered that time I woofed at him on Gowlr last year.”

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a hot guy as long as you realize that they are just people like everyone else. Also like everyone else getting to know a person on a one on one level is crucial before they deserve a pedestal. So while we’ve all probably had our fanboy moments I shouldn’t become a way of life.

If you or someone you know is suffering from a serious case of fanboy syndrome contact a professional blogger for judgmental advice. Tell them to take a long hard look at their priorities and the next time they have the urge to fanboy they should channel their inner Christina Crawford.


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