The Gay Gasp Advice Column

Dear Gay Gasp,

Madonna-Grammys-2015My new album isn’t doing well and for some reason flashing my tits and ass isn’t working as well as it used to. What should I do? Help me!

Always a rebel heart,

Madonna

Dear Madge,

Even though I’m still on team Madonna people are getting turned off by your antics more and more. I know you’re the type of person who has that punk sensibility that wants to do something just because you are told not to. In fact all the hate is probably giving you life. However might I recommend taking about 5 years off? Absence makes the heart grow fonder and staying out of the spotlight will make your fans miss you. Remember how everyone felt about Missy E at the Super Bowl? Picture that but x 1000. Once you make your return the public eye your fans will be thirsty for more.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp,

_82583277_epa_jayzI launched a huge new streaming music service and no one seems to care. How do I turn things around? Also be honest… do I look like Droopy Dog?

Tidal Founder

Jay Z

Dear Mr Z,

It’s time for some tough love. You need to accept that the deep down the public only thinks of you as Mr. Beyonce. I know you had your own legitimate career but make no mistake that those days are over. If you were ever to divorce your queen your career would be over. Over! The launch of Tidal is a great example of this. You were relying on your name to bring in customers and that proved to be a big fail. You claimed the $20 price was because of the superior music quality. You also launched it with big name celebrities like Rihanna and Dead Mouse. Unfortunately the people who are music purists and care enough about high quality sound are also people who would never listen to Rihanna or Dead Mouse. Oh and no comment on the Droopy Dog thing.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp

Bruce JennerI had a groundbreaking interview last week that was watched by millions of people. How should I celebrate?

Sincerely

The athlete formerly known as Bruce Jenner

Dear B Jenner,

You need to thank Diane Sawyer with a muffin basket for such a good interview. Otherwise treat yourself to a mani pedi and a day at the spa. Also in case you haven’t decided on a new name yet I suggest Bea in honor of the wonderful Bea Arthur. Other choices are Brenda and Bree.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp,

1400710375_131204463_kim-kardashian-467My ex-step father is stealing all my deadlines! I am desperate need of help.

XOXO

Kim KW

Dear Kimberly,

First you need to thank Bruce with a muffin basket and a big gift card to Chico’s. As you very well know you are not the most well liked celebrity around and I won’t even get into your husband’s public image issues. However when Bruce mentioned that you were the most understanding about his transition it was a major boost to your public image. It’s a subtle detail but one that will make a difference in the long run. It will make people realize that despite all your fame hungry nonsense deep down you are might actually be a decent person.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp

leonardo-dicaprioWhy don’t I have an Oscar yet?

Yours truly,

Leonardo DiCarprio

Dear Leo,

Leo you need an Oscar. All of your recent performances have been good but there has always been someone better. You need to take a role that forces you to get ugly and really show your range. I remember how great you were in the very unpretty What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Wolf of Wall Street, The Great Gatsby along with older roles in The Aviator and Catch Me If You Can all were flashy movie star roles. While that’s good for box office numbers pretty doesn’t win an Oscar. Take a cue from Mattie McConaughey, Nicky Kidman, Charlize Theron who all uglied it up in indie movies for their golden statue. Think of it this way, pick a movie where for once you never wear a suit.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp

GTY 468070768 E ACE ENT MUS CEL AWD USA CAEveryone is obsessed with my weight. Why won’t they just listen to and care about my music?

Texas Forever!

Kelly Clarkson

Hey Kel, my advice to you is to stay fat. Over the past couple of years your weight has fluctuated up and down and now your are considerably bigger than you were when we met you on AI. You have addressed the issue blaming the media’s obsession with women’s bodies. While that’s true it’s not the way to win the war. If you want them to stop talking about your weight you need to maintain a consistent weight. Any big gain or loss gives the gossip magazines a headline. While you must always consider your health, stop trying to lose and just settle into your current figure. Look at Oprah. Remember when she would lose and gain weight and it was all everyone could talk about. However for several years now she’s maintained a steady weight and people have forgotten about it. Is she the thinnest she’s ever been? Absolutely not. But the lack of fluctuation kills the story.

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