Dear Gay Gasp,

My new album isn’t doing well and for some reason flashing my tits and ass isn’t working as well as it used to. What should I do? Help me!

Always a rebel heart,

Madonna

Dear Madge,

Even though I’m still on team Madonna people are getting turned off by your antics more and more. I know you’re the type of person who has that punk sensibility that wants to do something just because you are told not to. In fact all the hate is probably giving you life. However might I recommend taking about 5 years off? Absence makes the heart grow fonder and staying out of the spotlight will make your fans miss you. Remember how everyone felt about Missy E at the Super Bowl? Picture that but x 1000. Once you make your return the public eye your fans will be thirsty for more.

-GG

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Dear Gay Gasp,

I launched a huge new streaming music service and no one seems to care. How do I turn things around? Also be honest… do I look like Droopy Dog?

Tidal Founder

Jay Z

Dear Mr Z,

It’s time for some tough love. You need to accept that the deep down the public only thinks of you as Mr. Beyonce. I know you had your own legitimate career but make no mistake that those days are over. If you were ever to divorce your queen your career would be over. Over! The launch of Tidal is a great example of this. You were relying on your name to bring in customers and that proved to be a big fail. You claimed the $20 price was because of the superior music quality. You also launched it with big name celebrities like Rihanna and Dead Mouse. Unfortunately the people who are music purists and care enough about high quality sound are also people who would never listen to Rihanna or Dead Mouse. Oh and no comment on the Droopy Dog thing.

-GG

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Dear Gay Gasp

I had a groundbreaking interview last week that was watched by millions of people. How should I celebrate?

Sincerely

The athlete formerly known as Bruce Jenner

Dear B Jenner,

You need to thank Diane Sawyer with a muffin basket for such a good interview. Otherwise treat yourself to a mani pedi and a day at the spa. Also in case you haven’t decided on a new name yet I suggest Bea in honor of the wonderful Bea Arthur. Other choices are Brenda and Bree.

-GG

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Dear Gay Gasp,

My ex-step father is stealing all my deadlines! I am desperate need of help.

XOXO

Kim KW

Dear Kimberly,

First you need to thank Bruce with a muffin basket and a big gift card to Chico’s. As you very well know you are not the most well liked celebrity around and I won’t even get into your husband’s public image issues. However when Bruce mentioned that you were the most understanding about his transition it was a major boost to your public image. It’s a subtle detail but one that will make a difference in the long run. It will make people realize that despite all your fame hungry nonsense deep down you are might actually be a decent person.

-GG

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Dear Gay Gasp

Why don’t I have an Oscar yet?

Yours truly,

Leonardo DiCarprio

Dear Leo,

Leo you need an Oscar. All of your recent performances have been good but there has always been someone better. You need to take a role that forces you to get ugly and really show your range. I remember how great you were in the very unpretty What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Wolf of Wall Street, The Great Gatsby along with older roles in The Aviator and Catch Me If You Can all were flashy movie star roles. While that’s good for box office numbers pretty doesn’t win an Oscar. Take a cue from Mattie McConaughey, Nicky Kidman, Charlize Theron who all uglied it up in indie movies for their golden statue. Think of it this way, pick a movie where for once you never wear a suit.

-GG

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Dear Gay Gasp

Everyone is obsessed with my weight. Why won’t they just listen to and care about my music?

Texas Forever!

Kelly Clarkson

Hey Kel, my advice to you is to stay fat. Over the past couple of years your weight has fluctuated up and down and now your are considerably bigger than you were when we met you on AI. You have addressed the issue blaming the media’s obsession with women’s bodies. While that’s true it’s not the way to win the war. If you want them to stop talking about your weight you need to maintain a consistent weight. Any big gain or loss gives the gossip magazines a headline. While you must always consider your health, stop trying to lose and just settle into your current figure. Look at Oprah. Remember when she would lose and gain weight and it was all everyone could talk about. However for several years now she’s maintained a steady weight and people have forgotten about it. Is she the thinnest she’s ever been? Absolutely not. But the lack of fluctuation kills the story.

1. I’m convinced the only reason Ginger had to lip sync for her life was because Rupaul needed someone to finally send Jayden Dior Fierce home.
2. I’m putting all my money on Ginger Minj for the big win.
3. Katya is the dark horse of the race. There is still so much unknown from her because she still hasn’t shown us her Russian Katya character.
4. Untucked being cancelled by Logo and moved to online only is one of the key reasons for the lack of sparkle this season. If you remember all the most memorable moments from the show actually happened on Untucked.
5. I’m so sick of seeing commercials for Cucumber & Banana that I now refuse to watch the show out of pure spite.
6. Trixie Matel is back even though I didn’t miss her. I was never that impressed by her to begin with.
7. Rupaul loves Kennedy Davenport for some strange reason. Her looks are basic and she’s never been funny apart from the Snatch Game. I seriously don’t get it.
8. Miss Fame is on borrowed time. If she’s not careful one bad day will send her packing.
9. Katya reminds me of Pandora Box’s mother.
10. The best move Violet ever made was switching her character to Alyssa Edwards for Snatch Game.
11. I predict the final four will be Kennedy, Ginger, Katya, and Pearl. Pearl might be swapped out with Violet depending on how the cards fall.
12. Untucked is so depressing and pathetic this season. They clearly don’t have any money for good music or a set. I miss the Gold Bar and the Absolute lounge.
13. For the conjoined twins challenge, who was Ginger’s partner? I totally forgot about her.

Do you have a type?

Sexual attraction is a complex feeling. Some people have a very specific list of features that they like and even require. Massive thighs, firm bellies, hairless bodies, and dark skin color are just a few of the many things a person can hone in on. We all have that friend who only gets hard for a specific ethnicity and everyone knows a guy who refuses to date someone his own age. Those guys tend to be very consistent and it becomes very easy to pick out possible matches for them. For them it’s an easy equation A+B=C or rather Age+Beard=Cock. Then there are those of us who don’t take such a direct route. I tend to have a very broad range when it comes to guys. Personality is always the number one key factor that makes it or breaks it for me. A guy can be a perfect specimen of physical manliness but he can lose it all with a beige personality. In fact I think most of the guys who say they don’t have a type fall into the same category as me. It’s not that we don’t have a type it’s that our type isn’t only physical.

Whenever I talk about this people will often easily agree with the theory because all of us  would agree that a shitty attitude can be a real boner killer. Where I think I tend to be unique is that personality can also easily overcome physical short comings. Not only is a bad attitude a turn off but a good attitude can also be a turn on. So much so that I know a guy who isn’t my usual body “type” but his upbeat positive attitude makes me want to rip his clothes off every time I see him.

A good example to illustrate this revolves around my experience with two couples. Although one couple is from Texas and the other from the northeast, they both follow surprisingly similar story lines. It’s actually uncanny how similar they are. In both cases I saw them from afar before actually being introduced. At a distance I instantly zoned in on the chubbier guy as the hotter of the two. He was more classically my type you’d say. It’s not that the smaller guy(s) was ugly, it was just that he didn’t really stand out and grab my attention the way his partner did. After a while I was introduced to and became friends with both couples and had a gradual but drastic change of opinion. As I got to know them it became apparent that the smaller guy was friendly, easy-going, and fun to be around. (Definite boner points) Unfortunately his partner was painfully shy and even a little socially awkward. Looking back on it I can’t imagine why I was ever attracted to the chubbier guy. Not only has the smaller guy(s) become super sexy but I’ve lost any and all boners for his chubbier partner. His attitude was so bad that it actually erased any attraction I ever had. Over the years I’ve noticed this as an ongoing trend in my life. The people I tend to notice the quickest lose my attention just as quick. However the guys that I might take longer to notice also keep my attention much longer.

It should also be said that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Personally I love big outgoing personalities. Friends have pointed out that I even have a high tolerance for cocky pricks. With that said there are many guys who hate that and much prefer the shy and quiet. I have a friend that specifically likes the awkward guys. The more awkward the better. Yes a great personality can drastically change how you look at someone but exactly how you define “great” can be different from person to person.

So do you have a very specific type or can a personality win over any physical measurement or characteristic?

 

Szczecin Philharmonic Concert Hall in Szczecin, Polland.

Most of my early readers were just my close friends however over the years my audience has grown and some of you might not know me as well. Now is a good time to tell you a some of the more interesting facts about me.

1. I’ve visited every continent except Antarctica and Australia.
2. Being 100% Italian, I have a very large very stereotypical Italian family back in Connecticut.
3. As a teenager I gave up playing the clarinet after many years of intense practice.
4. When I came out of the closet in 7th grade it made local news because my Catholic grammar school threatened to expel me.
5. Only my right nipple is pierced. Both were pierced at one time until the left ring was ripped out during rough sex.
6. My favorite dessert is bananas foster.
7. Former Connecticut governor John Rowland hit on me once in a public men’s room.
8. My favorite class in high school was biology. My favorite class in college was statistics.
9. When I lost my virginity I was the top.
10. I’ve seen the movie the Godfather so many times that I can almost quote all the dialogue.
11. Fear of addiction is the main reason why I don’t drink alcohol often.
12. Before I moved to Texas, I was the third member of a triad.
13. I wish Cyndi Lauper got more credit for her talent. She’s very under-rated.
14. I own every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on DVD.
15. Skiing is one of the things I miss most about living in New England.
16. Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap is my favorite song of all time.
17. My middle name is Anthony.
18. I went to high school with James Van Der Beek
19. Super shy quiet guys are my favorite
20. As a child I had to have cosmetic surgery because all of my toes were webbed.

Hopefully now you know a little bit more about me. Upon reflection there is only one other important fact you should know. Everything I said above it total and complete BULLSHIT.

I’m not sure if it’s a new phenomenon or just that I’ve only now started to notice but lately I’ve come to realize that so many people are totally full of shit. Seriously the amount of bullshit people surround themselves with is amazing. Facebook and social media hasn’t helped either. A couple thousand followers can only fan the flames of delusion. Maybe it’s part of living in a big city. People move here from far away places and naturally try to reinvent themselves. Unfortunately most people are bad lairs and the truth always comes out through whispers and gossip. What I can’t understand is why so many people lie about totally insignificant details. I’m not saying lying about income or education is good but it’s a little more understandable than claiming to be best friends with a person who has to be reminded of your first name. Sometimes there will be a small percentage of truth that is over inflated to an Oscar worthy level. Winning a high school track meet become training for the Olympic team. You get the idea.

The real truth about me is that I put a high value honesty and straightforwardness. We all have levels of bullshit in our lives but the point is to be honest about it. Own your shit.

Now for the real truths behind all of the above lies.

1. I’ve only traveled within North America and Europe
2. I’m Irish, Polish, and Italian and have a somewhat small family in Connecticut.
3. I played the clarinet for one year in 4th grade.
4. I did come out of the closet in 7th grade but only to my parents.
5. I removed my left nipple ring on purpose because it never healed correctly.
6. I’ve never tried bananas foster.
7. Although I did work as a bathroom attendant at John Rowland’s inauguration gala, he was completely polite and non sexual.
8. My favorite class in high school was American history. My favorite class in college was art history. The only thing I remember about high school biology was my enormous former body builder teacher and my hot crush who sat next to me. I almost failed college statistics.
9. When I lost my virginity I was the bottom.
10. I’ve never seen the movie the Godfather.
11. I generally just don’t like the taste of alcohol.
12. Although there were many threesomes, I was never in an official triad.
13. Cyndi Lauper is rated very accurately.
14. I can’t stand Everybody Loves Raymond but I do own every episode of Sex and the City on DVD.
15. I hate winter.
16. My favorite song is Push It by Salt-n-Pepa.
17. My middle name is Robert.
18. My cousin went to high school with James Van Der Beek
19. Super shy quiet guys are a huge turn off.
20. My second and third toes on my right foot are still webbed together. My father’s foot is the same way.

I love documentaries.

(in no particular order)

1. Born Rich
2. Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorfs
3. The September Issue
4. Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief
5. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
6. The Queen of Versailles
7. Page One: Inside the New York Times
8. Diana Vreeland: The Eye Has to Travel
9. Grey Gardens (1975)
10. The Aristocrats
11. Helvetica
12. Tabloid
13. Roman Polanski: Odd Man Out
14. Valentino: The Last Emperor
15. Unzipped
16. Madonna: Truth or Dare
17. Unhung Hero
18. In Vogue: The Editor’s Eye
19. Small Town Gay Bar
20. Lagerfeld Confidential

P.S. Yes I realize there are three documentaries listed that revolve around Vogue magazine. What can I say? I like what I like.

I know I just wrote about how we shouldn’t judge the world too harshly and assume we could do better. But in this case I am 100% certain I could do better so let the hypocritical rant commence!

I found this picture on Twitter and I had to marvel in its ridiculousness. Why the hell is that guy wearing a full suit in a pool? Pool sex is hot. Suit sex is hot. Suit sex in a pool is just awkward and uncomfortable. I mean seriously… come on. You’re trying to tell me that this businessman walked outside and decided to get in the pool even though the naked man was on dry land? Also notice he didn’t just jump in the water in the heat of the moment because his top half is totally dry. Which means he walked in that pool on purpose. If you want to combine suits and pools at least have the two men switch places. It makes the storyline a little more realistic to have the naked guy in the pool when the hot businessman comes home from work. Then you can have the suited guy ass up next to the pool with his pants around his ankles. Isn’t that a little more believable? Better yet, have the naked guy ripe a huge easy access hole in the businessman’s pants to up the sexy factor.

The businessman isn’t the only ridiculous thing in this picture. What kind of awkward pose is Mr. Naked going for? I assume that photographers take hundreds of pictures at a porn shoot so how did this become the winning shot of the day? He looks like he’s in mid rollover which is causing a very weird fat deposit on his upper thigh. Also does he have balls? Is there a neutering fetish out there I don’t know about? If Twitter wants to compete for Tumblr’s porn customers then they’re going to have to seriously up their game.

Being gay in the 90’s was a lot less taboo than in previous decades but it also wasn’t as acceptable as it is now. Luckily I was a teenager with a dial-up AOL connection so I was able to search out gay culture in the freedom of the spare bedroom. Like many kids I sought out every gay movie I could find. I would literally watch anything that had a gay character in it just to see glimpses of who I might become. While there were many along the way I wanted to take a trip down memory lane and look back at some of my favorites.

1. Beautiful Thing

I love(d) this movie because it was a simple teenage love story. It deals with gay teen lust in a real way that isn’t overly dramatic or overly preachy. Those sneaky Brits always do it better. I remember buying the VHS online and watching it over and over again up in my room. Good new! You can also watch the entire movie now on Youtube.  (You’ll have to ignore the Spanish subtitles) It’s a really sweet film. (I only got ride of the VHS tape when I moved to Texas.)

2. Jeffery

This came in a VERY close second place. This was one of the very first gay movies I ever saw. I loved everything about it. The amazing cast brings this fun and campy story to life. There are dream dance sequences and Patrick Stewart plays a man dating a dancer in Cats!  Although the movie is 20 years old the underlying theme of dating amongst the fear of HIV is surprisingly still extremely relevant. Unfortunately this movie is a lot harder to find. Ask a gay film buff friend to see if he has a copy.

3. The Sum of Us

This is where I fell in love with Russell Crowe. (Still one of my number one movie star crushes) This wonderful movie is more about a father and son’s relationship than it is about Crowe being gay. Also this is one of the few times where an actor has played a butch gay guy convincingly.

4. Trick

Any gay man of a certain age knows the answer to the question “Have you ever had cum in your eye Gabriel?” It’s a fun movie about two guys trying to hook up in NYC. Tori Spelling is the best friends and you can’t miss the unforgettable scene with Coco Peru. This is the movie that made me fall in gay love with Coco Peru. “It BURNS!”

Other gay movies of my youth you should check out:

• Billy’s Hollywood Screen Kiss
• Love Valour Compassion
• It’s My Party
• Wilde
• Get Real
• The Object of My Affection
• 6 Degrees of Separation
• Broken Hearts Club

P.S. Fun fact, I made the the mistake, or shall I say my parents made the mistake of watching 6 Degrees of Separation with me in the room. It got uncomfortable at times. Also Broken Hearts Club is listed but I want to go on record saying that it is in fact a totally shitty movie. Dean Cane didn’t pull off the butch gay guy as well as Russell Crowe did.

I had an epiphany last week. For the past several months I’ve been part of a team working on a special project at work. As time has past I’ve become increasingly frustrated with some of my coworker’s lack of organization and time management skills. I was thinking about voicing my frustrations but was figuring out the most diplomatic way to do so. Last week was the final due date and we got feedback from the suits in charge. The whole project was a big success and we were praised for our hard work. Some of my frustrating coworkers were even singled out for doing such a good job. I quickly realized that the project’s success undercut ever possible complaint I was ready to give. If the project was a failure I could point to the lack of time management and organization as key factors. I lost all credibility if I were to voice my frustrations now. That’s when the epiphany occurred. I realized the only problem in the situation was my own. Just because I felt the work could’ve been done in a better way did change the end result. It’s very difficult to persuade people to do something better just for the sake of doing it better. My coworkers were happy with their work and so was my boss. My opinion didn’t change the end result. I even pictured them responding with “Why do you care?” if I had spoken up.

This idea caused me to take a closer look at the conflicts in my personal life too. How many of them were legitimate problems and how many of them were based in my own “I know better” attitude. I’m suspect I’m not alone here because there is a growing trend in our society where people feel they have not only the right but the obligation to call out all imperfect behavior. Whether it be bad grammar, bad fashion or a phobic remark, we are quick to point out the error to serve our own self-righteous need. I remember a friend telling a story about how a woman confronted him at a restaurant for being (what she thought was) too fat. She stated that she was simply doing it for his own good and that she cared about his well-being. He didn’t back down and informed her that in fact the only thing she cared about in this situation was her own self-righteous indignation. He was right. The only things she really care about was being able to go home feeling like she had done a good dead by telling a fat person to stop eating. While this is an extreme example it does illustrate the larger point. While there might be legitimate problems that should be addressed admit there are also times when the only problem is that we think we know better and feel we need to educate everyone about the error of their ways. This is a topic that is full of gray areas so take each situation case by case. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself some basic questions: Do their actions directly impact you in a negative way? Are their actions causing measurable or immediate harm themselves in any way? So before you call out your brother for posting too many selfies realize that just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Also acknowledge your motivation might have more to do with the ego boost you get because you feel that somehow you are above him because you don’t do such things. Self righteous indignation often masks itself as care and concern.