The Gay Gasp Advice Column

Dear Gay Gasp,

Madonna-Grammys-2015My new album isn’t doing well and for some reason flashing my tits and ass isn’t working as well as it used to. What should I do? Help me!

Always a rebel heart,

Madonna

Dear Madge,

Even though I’m still on team Madonna people are getting turned off by your antics more and more. I know you’re the type of person who has that punk sensibility that wants to do something just because you are told not to. In fact all the hate is probably giving you life. However might I recommend taking about 5 years off? Absence makes the heart grow fonder and staying out of the spotlight will make your fans miss you. Remember how everyone felt about Missy E at the Super Bowl? Picture that but x 1000. Once you make your return the public eye your fans will be thirsty for more.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp,

_82583277_epa_jayzI launched a huge new streaming music service and no one seems to care. How do I turn things around? Also be honest… do I look like Droopy Dog?

Tidal Founder

Jay Z

Dear Mr Z,

It’s time for some tough love. You need to accept that the deep down the public only thinks of you as Mr. Beyonce. I know you had your own legitimate career but make no mistake that those days are over. If you were ever to divorce your queen your career would be over. Over! The launch of Tidal is a great example of this. You were relying on your name to bring in customers and that proved to be a big fail. You claimed the $20 price was because of the superior music quality. You also launched it with big name celebrities like Rihanna and Dead Mouse. Unfortunately the people who are music purists and care enough about high quality sound are also people who would never listen to Rihanna or Dead Mouse. Oh and no comment on the Droopy Dog thing.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp

Bruce JennerI had a groundbreaking interview last week that was watched by millions of people. How should I celebrate?

Sincerely

The athlete formerly known as Bruce Jenner

Dear B Jenner,

You need to thank Diane Sawyer with a muffin basket for such a good interview. Otherwise treat yourself to a mani pedi and a day at the spa. Also in case you haven’t decided on a new name yet I suggest Bea in honor of the wonderful Bea Arthur. Other choices are Brenda and Bree.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp,

1400710375_131204463_kim-kardashian-467My ex-step father is stealing all my deadlines! I am desperate need of help.

XOXO

Kim KW

Dear Kimberly,

First you need to thank Bruce with a muffin basket and a big gift card to Chico’s. As you very well know you are not the most well liked celebrity around and I won’t even get into your husband’s public image issues. However when Bruce mentioned that you were the most understanding about his transition it was a major boost to your public image. It’s a subtle detail but one that will make a difference in the long run. It will make people realize that despite all your fame hungry nonsense deep down you are might actually be a decent person.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp

leonardo-dicaprioWhy don’t I have an Oscar yet?

Yours truly,

Leonardo DiCarprio

Dear Leo,

Leo you need an Oscar. All of your recent performances have been good but there has always been someone better. You need to take a role that forces you to get ugly and really show your range. I remember how great you were in the very unpretty What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Wolf of Wall Street, The Great Gatsby along with older roles in The Aviator and Catch Me If You Can all were flashy movie star roles. While that’s good for box office numbers pretty doesn’t win an Oscar. Take a cue from Mattie McConaughey, Nicky Kidman, Charlize Theron who all uglied it up in indie movies for their golden statue. Think of it this way, pick a movie where for once you never wear a suit.

-GG


Dear Gay Gasp

GTY 468070768 E ACE ENT MUS CEL AWD USA CAEveryone is obsessed with my weight. Why won’t they just listen to and care about my music?

Texas Forever!

Kelly Clarkson

Hey Kel, my advice to you is to stay fat. Over the past couple of years your weight has fluctuated up and down and now your are considerably bigger than you were when we met you on AI. You have addressed the issue blaming the media’s obsession with women’s bodies. While that’s true it’s not the way to win the war. If you want them to stop talking about your weight you need to maintain a consistent weight. Any big gain or loss gives the gossip magazines a headline. While you must always consider your health, stop trying to lose and just settle into your current figure. Look at Oprah. Remember when she would lose and gain weight and it was all everyone could talk about. However for several years now she’s maintained a steady weight and people have forgotten about it. Is she the thinnest she’s ever been? Absolutely not. But the lack of fluctuation kills the story.

Drag Race Season 7 Review

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  1. I’m convinced the only reason Ginger had to lip sync for her life was because Rupaul needed someone to finally send Jayden Dior Fierce home.
  2. I’m putting all my money on Ginger Minj for the big win.
  3. Katya is the dark horse of the race. There is still so much unknown from her because she still hasn’t shown us her Russian Katya character.
  4. Untucked being cancelled by Logo and moved to online only is one of the key reasons for the lack of sparkle this season. If you remember all the most memorable moments from the show actually happened on Untucked.
  5. I’m so sick of seeing commercials for Cucumber & Banana that I now refuse to watch the show out of pure spite.
  6. Trixie Matel is back even though I didn’t miss her. I was never that impressed by her to begin with.
  7. Rupaul loves Kennedy Davenport for some strange reason. Her looks are basic and she’s never been funny apart from the Snatch Game. I seriously don’t get it.
  8. Miss Fame is on borrowed time. If she’s not careful one bad day will send her packing.
  9. Katya reminds me of Pandora Box’s mother.
  10. The best move Violet ever made was switching her character to Alyssa Edwards for Snatch Game.
  11. I predict the final four will be Kennedy, Ginger, Katya, and Pearl. Pearl might be swapped out with Violet depending on how the cards fall.
  12. Untucked is so depressing and pathetic this season. They clearly don’t have any money for good music or a set. I miss the Gold Bar and the Absolute lounge.
  13. For the conjoined twins challenge, who was Ginger’s partner? I totally forgot about her.

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Personality Boner

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Do you have a type?

Sexual attraction is a complex feeling. Some people have a very specific list of features that they like and even require. Massive thighs, firm bellies, hairless bodies, and dark skin color are just a few of the many things a person can hone in on. We all have that friend who only gets hard for a specific ethnicity and everyone knows a guy who refuses to date someone his own age. Those guys tend to be very consistent and it becomes very easy to pick out possible matches for them. For them it’s an easy equation A+B=C or rather Age+Beard=Cock. Then there are those of us who don’t take such a direct route. I tend to have a very broad range when it comes to guys. Personality is always the number one key factor that makes it or breaks it for me. A guy can be a perfect specimen of physical manliness but he can lose it all with a beige personality. In fact I think most of the guys who say they don’t have a type fall into the same category as me. It’s not that we don’t have a type it’s that our type isn’t only physical.

Whenever I talk about this people will often easily agree with the theory because all of us  would agree that a shitty attitude can be a real boner killer. Where I think I tend to be unique is that personality can also easily overcome physical short comings. Not only is a bad attitude a turn off but a good attitude can also be a turn on. So much so that I know a guy who isn’t my usual body “type” but his upbeat positive attitude makes me want to rip his clothes off every time I see him.

A good example to illustrate this revolves around my experience with two couples. Although one couple is from Texas and the other from the northeast, they both follow surprisingly similar story lines. It’s actually uncanny how similar they are. In both cases I saw them from afar before actually being introduced. At a distance I instantly zoned in on the chubbier guy as the hotter of the two. He was more classically my type you’d say. It’s not that the smaller guy(s) was ugly, it was just that he didn’t really stand out and grab my attention the way his partner did. After a while I was introduced to and became friends with both couples and had a gradual but drastic change of opinion. As I got to know them it became apparent that the smaller guy was friendly, easy-going, and fun to be around. (Definite boner points) Unfortunately his partner was painfully shy and even a little socially awkward. Looking back on it I can’t imagine why I was ever attracted to the chubbier guy. Not only has the smaller guy(s) become super sexy but I’ve lost any and all boners for his chubbier partner. His attitude was so bad that it actually erased any attraction I ever had. Over the years I’ve noticed this as an ongoing trend in my life. The people I tend to notice the quickest lose my attention just as quick. However the guys that I might take longer to notice also keep my attention much longer.

It should also be said that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Personally I love big outgoing personalities. Friends have pointed out that I even have a high tolerance for cocky pricks. With that said there are many guys who hate that and much prefer the shy and quiet. I have a friend that specifically likes the awkward guys. The more awkward the better. Yes a great personality can drastically change how you look at someone but exactly how you define “great” can be different from person to person.

So do you have a very specific type or can a personality win over any physical measurement or characteristic?

Getting To Know the Gay Gasp

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Most of my early readers were just my close friends however over the years my audience has grown and some of you might not know me as well. Now is a good time to tell you a some of the more interesting facts about me.

  1. I’ve visited every continent except Antarctica and Australia.
  2. Being 100% Italian, I have a very large very stereotypical Italian family back in Connecticut.
  3. As a teenager I gave up playing the clarinet after many years of intense practice.
  4. When I came out of the closet in 7th grade it made local news because my Catholic grammar school threatened to expel me.
  5. Only my right nipple is pierced. Both were pierced at one time until the left ring was ripped out during rough sex.
  6. My favorite dessert is bananas foster.
  7. Former Connecticut governor John Rowland hit on me once in a public men’s room.
  8. My favorite class in high school was biology. My favorite class in college was statistics.
  9. When I lost my virginity I was the top.
  10. I’ve seen the movie the Godfather so many times that I can almost quote all the dialogue.
  11. Fear of addiction is the main reason why I don’t drink alcohol often.
  12. Before I moved to Texas, I was the third member of a triad.
  13. I wish Cyndi Lauper got more credit for her talent. She’s very under-rated.
  14. I own every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on DVD.
  15. Skiing is one of the things I miss most about living in New England.
  16. Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap is my favorite song of all time.
  17. My middle name is Anthony.
  18. I went to high school with James Van Der Beek
  19. Super shy quiet guys are my favorite
  20. As a child I had to have cosmetic surgery because all of my toes were webbed.

Hopefully now you know a little bit more about me. Upon reflection there is only one other important fact you should know. Everything I said above it total and complete BULLSHIT.

I’m not sure if it’s a new phenomenon or just that I’ve only now started to notice but lately I’ve come to realize that so many people are totally full of shit. Seriously the amount of bullshit people surround themselves with is amazing. Facebook and social media hasn’t helped either. A couple thousand followers can only fan the flames of delusion. Maybe it’s part of living in a big city. People move here from far away places and naturally try to reinvent themselves. Unfortunately most people are bad lairs and the truth always comes out through whispers and gossip. What I can’t understand is why so many people lie about totally insignificant details. I’m not saying lying about income or education is good but it’s a little more understandable than claiming to be best friends with a person who has to be reminded of your first name. Sometimes there will be a small percentage of truth that is over inflated to an Oscar worthy level. Winning a high school track meet become training for the Olympic team. You get the idea.

The real truth about me is that I put a high value honesty and straightforwardness. We all have levels of bullshit in our lives but the point is to be honest about it. Own your shit.

Now for the real truths behind all of the above lies.

  1. I’ve only traveled within North America and Europe
  2. I’m Irish, Polish, and Italian and have a somewhat small family in Connecticut.
  3. I played the clarinet for one year in 4th grade.
  4. I did come out of the closet in 7th grade but only to my parents.
  5. I removed my left nipple ring on purpose because it never healed correctly.
  6. I’ve never tried bananas foster.
  7. Although I did work as a bathroom attendant at John Rowland’s inauguration gala, he was completely polite and non sexual.
  8. My favorite class in high school was American history. My favorite class in college was art history. The only thing I remember about high school biology was my enormous former body builder teacher and my hot crush who sat next to me. I almost failed college statistics.
  9. When I lost my virginity I was the bottom.
  10. I’ve never seen the movie the Godfather.
  11. I generally just don’t like the taste of alcohol.
  12. Although there were many threesomes, I was never in an official triad.
  13. Cyndi Lauper is rated very accurately.
  14. I can’t stand Everybody Loves Raymond but I do own every episode of Sex and the City on DVD.
  15. I hate winter.
  16. My favorite song is Push It by Salt-n-Pepa.
  17. My middle name is Robert.
  18. My cousin went to high school with James Van Der Beek
  19. Super shy quiet guys are a huge turn off.
  20. My second and third toes on my right foot are still webbed together. My father’s foot is the same way.

20 Must See Documentaries

MV5BMzM5NTY3Mzg2NF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMzczOTU0OA@@._V1_SX214_AL_I love documentaries.

(in no particular order)

  1. Born Rich
  2. Scatter My Ashes at Bergdorfs
  3. The September Issue
  4. Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief
  5. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work
  6. The Queen of Versailles
  7. Page One: Inside the New York Times
  8. Diana Vreeland: The Eye Has to Travel
  9. Grey Gardens (1975)
  10. The Aristocrats
  11. Helvetica
  12. Tabloid
  13. Roman Polanski: Odd Man Out
  14. Valentino: The Last Emperor
  15. Unzipped
  16. Madonna: Truth or Dare
  17. Unhung Hero
  18. In Vogue: The Editor’s Eye
  19. Small Town Gay Bar
  20. Lagerfeld Confidential

P.S. Yes I realize there are three documentaries listed that revolve around Vogue magazine. What can I say? I like what I like.