I’ve lived in Texas for almost 3 years now and I still have some questions.

1. Why do BBQ restaurants never give you a plate? I don’t understand why BBQ has to equal meat on a tray.

2. You do realize the rest of the world ditched Styrofoam back in the early 90’s?

3. Why doesn’t anyone talk about San Antonio? Dallas hates Houston, Houston hates Dallas and people who live in Austin hate anyone who wants to move there. But no one ever mentions San Antonio. I guess they’re the Jan Brady of Texas.

4. Where is all the brown gravy? I don’t know what this white shit is but it’s not gravy.

5. How long do you have to live here before you are considered a Texan? I work with a woman who’s lived here for over 20 years and she still considers herself a New Yorker.

6. Can I get some ginger ale please? I know there is an obsession with Dr. Pepper but can at least one restaurant have ginger ale?

7. Can everyone agree to call the highways by either their name or their number? Most highways have both a number and a name. State Highway 635 is also known as the LBJ Freeway. The President George Bush Turnpike is also called State Highway 190. We need agree as a group to use either the name or number. Using both just confuses me when listening to rush our traffic reports.

8. Why can’t you buy a bottle of vodka on Sunday? Even Connecticut ended it’s blue-laws so that liquor stores can be open any day of the week. Come on Texas.

9. When a road is labeled FM 162, what the hell does the FM stand for?

10. Are there any fast food chains you don’t have here? Whataburger, Jack in the Box, In and Out, Chick-fil-a, Sonic, Steak’n Shake, Five Guys, Raising Cains, Churches, Chicken Express, Taco Bueno, Del Taco, Taco Bell, Taco Casa, Chipotle, Fuzzys Tacos, Velvet Taco, Taco Cabana, Wendys, Burger King, McDonalds, Subway, and Arbys. Did I forget any?