Sex By Numbers

Several years ago I created a list of everyone I’d ever had sex with and later detailed the process in a blog post. I wrote the article because I realized how funny and bizarre the whole list making process was. At the time I used an all-inclusive definition of sex which stated that “Anything your mom would consider sex is sex.” By using that definition I hoped to include anything and everything in question. Many people have disagreed with that idea because it includes too many fringe activities. Unfortunately it quickly becomes difficult when you try and move the line to another arbitrary point in the sand. We (gay men) live in a world that is vastly different than everyone around us and therefore a lot of gray areas develop. As an example, many of the activities that we would not consider as sex would end a straight person’s marriage. (Bill Clinton not included) I’m not saying we’re wrong or that we live incorrectly it just means our sexuality is much more complex. 
With that in mind I decided it was time to drill down a little deeper and take a closer look at the real information behind the numbers. Although I’ve kept the original list up to date it was made several years ago so for this post I’ll just focus on 2014. First let’s discuss some of those fringe activities that are on the edge of what is and isn’t sex. A common suggestion I get is to include anal and exclude oral as a way to narrow things down. As people usually put it “Sucking dick isn’t sex… It’s just messin’ around.” But by that assumption would you also have to conclude that anyone who doesn’t have anal is still a virgin. Although the separation sounds good in theory, we have to realize that a blow job is definitely sex. Personally I found the area that was the grayest for me involved parties. For example, it’s not uncommon for bathing suits to loosen or come off at an all gay pool party. Even more common is the possibility that someone you’re chatting with might give your hard dick a couple strokes. While the 10 second incident causes no orgasm or cum it could qualify as sex by the above definition. A roof top pool at Southern Decadence in New Orleans provided me a couple of these very situations. I added them into my 2014 total but even I’m on the fence about whether a couple of them qualify. This is an instance where most (gay) people would argue that in no way do these activities qualify. My rebuttal is that if the same activities occurred in a bed would you change your mind? Although admittedly some might even argue that a hand job is always disqualified even if there is a cum shot. But if penis touching doesn’t automatically equal sex, at what point does it cross over into sex territory?  

My 2014 total has followed an ongoing pattern of my numbers getting lower from year to year due in large part to my relationship status. New people aren’t needed because I already have a very hot man in bed waiting for me. Truth be told I almost never have a random hook up at home anymore. The bulk of my list comes from bear events and other travel. Did I mention how much I loved to travel? A close inspection of the list also proved what I already knew: In 2014 blow jobs out weighed fucking by a very large margin of 1 in 10. I wasn’t surprised because as I get older I rarely fuck with anyone other than my boyfriend. Swapping blow jobs is both extremely fun and much safer than anal and therefore is a better choice for me when it’s a one time thing. Although getting fucked is great it leaves you susceptible to a myriad of diseases and unfortunately dishonesty about HIV status is not uncommon. In addition and on a much more practical level it also takes a lot more planning and preparation. Spontaneous bottoming is a recipe for disaster. Unless I’m and porn star prepared I usually tend to tag out and avoid the shit storm. So do you consider blow jobs sex? What about hand jobs?
While it wasn’t part of the original version, as I compiled my 2014 list I took a closer look at where, when and how I got laid. For example, several years ago most of my hook ups came from apps like Growlr or, if we’re going father back, Manhunt. However more recently there has been a very noticeable shift. I rarely if ever meet anyone purely through Growlr and the like. I tend to be much more successful at winning people over in person. If Growlr is involved it’s usually when I have met someone in person already and I use it simply as a message service. This is especially true at bear events. This was a big realization for me and helped me break the habit of wasting so much time on such apps. In fact I ended up deleting a couple of the less popular ones from my phone as a result. I highly recommend going through this exercise and making your 2014 sex list. Not only to see if the total number is what you expected but also to take a closer look at where and how you are most successful. I know several people who are constantly being hit-on on apps and therefore I assume they would say apps are very successful for them. If you’re like me and people rarely show interest online then you’d probably get more bang for your buck by focusing your effort to social events and bear runs. Either way don’t work hard, work smart.

Other highly debatable activities that do or don’t count as sex:

-You jerk off and cum on his chest with no other touching involved. 

-Oral under 30 seconds without cumming (Giving or receiving)

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