1. Without fail someone will comment on your weight. It’s pointless to make a violent angry scene because they’re your family and they’re not going to change. Instead have a sassy comeback ready:
Comment: “Have you lost weight? You look too thin.”
Comeback: You’re right. How do you keep your weight up so well?
Comment: “You look like you’ve gained weight.”
Comeback: “Yeah you too.”
2. Whether you’re staying with family or they are staying with you, privacy goes out the window in a crowded house. The shower will be one of your only safe havens for much needed fapping. (Remember shampoo does not make good lube)
3. If you’re going to be a house guest keep in mind the home owners might keep their home at a different temperature than you are accustomed to. This is especially true if you’re staying with older parents. You’ll be sweating and they’ll have sweatshirts on so pack warm weather clothes for around the house.
4. As the homeowner who is hosting guests you need to prepare yourself. Assume all house guests are going to open every drawer and cabinet they have access to. HIDE YOUR SHIT. While stolen valuables are probably not a concern drugs, prescription meds, and butt plugs might be. Either that or you can explain to your niece that a sling and a swing are very different.
5. If you’re spending the holidays with older loved ones be prepared to be given all the odd jobs around the house that they can’t get to. It could be anything from bringing extra fire wood in from the garage to a tutorial about setting up email on their new iPhone.
6. With younger kids running around always keep your phone in eye sight and heavily locked. They’re like little technology MacGyvers and they don’t need to see the 3some video you took last weekend. “Why does Uncle Matt have a dog collar on?”
7. If you’re going to want to get out of the house a lot remember to bring the phone charger for the car. Essential for on the go Growlring.
8. If you find yourself with a friend or boyfriend’s family, topics of conversation to avoid: Ferguson, Eric Gardner, and the big Republican election win. Topics safe for discussion: Taylor Swift, funny animal Youtube videos, and your mutual hate of Kim K.
9. Regardless of what you think you are not easy to buy for. So no matter what you unwrap on Christmas morning put on your best fake smile and be thankful.
10. Alcohol can relieve stress. Carry around a secret flask to maintain that jolly attitude all day. Water and vodka look very similar. Baileys perks up an morning coffee cup.
11. TBS runs an all day marathon of A Christmas Story. It can be your mental escape from everyone around you. If you’re like me and you actually hate A Christmas Story, find out what channel TBS is and avoid it at all costs. Once someone sees the leg lamp they’ll insist you keep it officially ruining your day.
12. If you can’t escape through television, porn is a wonderful backup. Someone might notice you scrolling through the constant cockfest of Tumblr at the dinner table so pictures and video should be avoided. Celebrate throwback Thursday and pull up some old school written erotica. Your mom will think you’re deep in Anna Karenina when in fact you’re deep in policeman fantasy ass play. Might I suggest this blog to start you off.
13. Finally, with all your loved ones together make it a point to take a group photo. It’s frustrating and annoying but years from now you’ll be happy you have the picture and the memory of the most important people in your life.