Are you a bear? Why do you consider yourself a bear? What does being a bear mean? There are many different answers to all of these questions. To help you formulate your answer I’ve decided to include and introductory guide to the most common species of bears out in the world. This will also help any of my non bear readers understand our culture a little better. While this list is just includes the most common of common there are many other kinds out there.
1. Wellington Bears– Wellington refers to Beef Wellington a dish of meat wrapped in dough. They are obsessed with the gym, protein shakes, and testosterone. To reward themselves after a rigorous gym routine they stop at Chipotle for an extra-large dinner and maybe an large Frosty for dessert at Wendys. They have the work out routine of a pro athlete and the eating habits of a dieter on cheat day. These beefy bears can easily be spotted on Growlr because their private pics are sure to include several locker room selfies.
2. OOTW Bears– Probably the most common bear that everyone knows. OOTW obviously refers to 1987 sitcom Out Of This World. These bears run around pretending to stop and start time with their hands all the while wishing their dad would talk to them from a crystal block. The OOTW A-List is for bears whose father is actually named Troy.
3. Buddha Bears– These are the guys who are in the middle of the Bear Chub venn diagram. You’ll also find them at Chipotle but their gym membership expired a long time ago. Look for shirtless pics on Tuesday and love songs about the McRib. In this world a skinny bitch is anyone who weighs under 280lbs.
4. Orange Is The New Bears- Some guys do not discover their true bear identity until they’re locked up behind bars. Months without a women and non stop weight lifting eventually penetrates even the tightest of closets. They prefer sex in the shower and use Ivory soap as lube. Christopher Melony is their beloved icon.
5. Chaser Me Bears– Not every bear likes other bears. These bears chase the chasers. They may like the attention they get from other bears but it’s the smooth and skinny chasers that start their engines. They use Growlr out of necessity but Grindr is their first love. Asian or Latino chasers to the front of the line.
Daddy Bears– People outside the bear community might not believe how popular Daddies are in our world. But as we all know there are so many young guys into the baby diaper fetish and they’re are in desperate need of daddy to come and burp them. Trade in your lube and condoms for powder and baby wipes.
Lilith Bears– The tradition of the singer songwriter is alive and well with these husky homos. Some have even been known to pass for butch lesbian bikers at Lilith fair. Although they sing and play the acoustic guitar don’t get too excited because they won’t serenade you in your living room like you want them to. Also there’s a large overlap with the Flinstoner Bears.
BASIC Bears– BASIC: Bears Against Sia’s Irritating Chandelier. They really hate the Sia song Chandelier. Not to be confused with BASIK Bears who are Bears Against Sia in Karaoke. BASIK Bears like Chandelier but believe is should never be sung at karaoke.
Flintstoner Bears– They are bears of all ages who all smoke A LOT of weed. Other favorite activities include drinking beer, naked swimming, and anything they can do while being completely high as a kite. Listen for intense conversations about moving to Colorado and California’s vapor weed industry.
Kodak Bears- If you haven’t noticed photography has overtaken DJing as the number one bear hobby. Finding a bear photographer is as easy as finding a bear offering massages on Growlr. With the legalization of gay marriage growing, bear couples never need to hire a photographer for their wedding because they always have a “friend who is a photographer.” Listen for intense debates about how Instagram is ruining photography.
Oscar Bears– In the tradition of Oscar the Grouch these bears hate everything. Literally everything. If and when the world ends, look for Facebook posts such as “Great now my newsfeed is going to be full of all this end of world nonsense.”
Nazi Bears– These men believe that grammar should be absolutely perfect all the time and anyone who doesn’t comply should be eradicated. Their dream world is one where all dyslexics are quarantined along with anyone who miss uses Who and Whom. No need to search for these nazis because they will be the first to make themselves known after any spelling mistake.
Bare Back Bears– This brotherhood believes that all men should be free to bare their back hair without shame at the beach. They want men to be able to play without the restrictions like rubber wet suites. Back Hair is beautiful. Their slogan is “Real men: Hairy and Raw”
Santa Bears– Like so many others, these bears fantasize about having sex with Santa. The bushy white beard, black books, and bouncing belly is their ultimate fap fantasy. They can often be found childless standing in line at the mall waiting to get their picture taken.