Maybe He’s Just a Horrible Person

It’s very common that I have a loose concept for a blog post without a real idea of how to put it into writing. When this happens the idea usually rattles around in my head like catchy song lyrics. Over the summer I had an experience that caused me to question a friend’s character. More specifically I thought to myself “Maybe he’s just a horrible person?” It was one of those situations where you justify the bad actions of someone you know because it’s easier than dealing with the truth. The question stuck with me for months. So much so that I started to exam other people in my life more closely and discovered other horrible character candidates. I discovered the problem with this question is that the answer is never really clear. Although I thought of it I continued to keep up appearances in person because there is a possibility I was over reacting or jumping to conclusions. The idea however would not unglue itself from my brain.
Much like sexuality being a horrible person exists on a spectrum. If asked to describe a horrible person most of us would describe a cruel angry person who is prone to violence and hatred. Those people are at the far end of the spectrum whereas the people I’m talking about exist somewhere in the middle. It’s the point when it goes beyond an annoying personality quirk (he ignores your text messages) and becomes something indicative of a deeper problem (selling cocaine to high-schoolers). Questioning someones character can also happen in reaction to a major event. I remember several years ago when a close friend’s father died. At the funeral he remarked how it shocked him who showed up and who didn’t. He said there were some causal acquaintances that drove several hours to show their support and other friends of several decades who couldn’t find the time to even send a card. It’s one of those moments when you look at a friend and realize that years of comradery were based solely on vodka and Fritos.
Cut to yesterday when I spent a lazy Sunday watching a marathon of The Real Housewives of Melbourne. The show was exactly what you’d expect and the two part reunion followed the same format as every other Housewife franchise. Each woman was confronted with video revealing her true thoughts and feelings about her fellow cast mates. Arguments and tears ensued and inevitably someone walked off in distress. That’s when it hit me. What if each of us had to sit through a reunion style episode where we were interrogated about our honest thought and opinions of people we know?  Incriminating text messages would be read and we would get questions like “Why did you tell Todd that you find Steven’s DJing boring and reductive?” or “Why didn’t you give money to Anthony’s Kickstarter?” We would have to own up to the fact that we think his Kickstarter is actually subsidizing his foreskin regrowth addiction and not the children’s charity that he claims. We would have to admit to the world that while Anthony is fun to hang out with on a Saturday night, deep down we can’t help but feel that he’s just a horrible person. At that point in the show Anthony would no doubt lunge across the stage and try and rip out our weave. 
The host (my pick would be Tim Gunn) of the ambush reunion would undoubtedly ask, “If you think he’s horrible, why are you still friends?” It’s a valid question with numerous possible answers. Horrible people can be fun to hang out with every so often. Maybe he gives really good Christmas presents or maybe he’s so cute that you overlook the bad parts. Sometimes the horrible details legitimately have nothing to do with us and can be brushed off as non of our business. Other times it’s pure avoidance and laziness. In addition there is always the possibility that we’re wrong about our assumptions. There may be information we don’t know or false gossip clouding our judgement. For all we know Anthony may in fact be giving every cent of that money to the needy Himalayan whistle kids. In my case the person was not that close of a friend to warrant a major breakup or investigation so instead I just sort of faded him out and quietly unfriended him on Facebook. Luckily I’m not on a Bravo reality show so my newly unfriended enemies won’t be paraded before me in a surprise attack.
Despite what they may think (and in some cases what we tell them) we don’t always agree with every aspect of a person. Most of the time that’s just part of being human but in certain cases it becomes unhealthy to keep those toxic people in our lives. Horrible people can be everyone from the guys who sells cocaine to the guy who’s funny but deep down cares nothing about anyone else’s well being. Either way don’t be tricked into thinking that horrible people are easy to spot. Sometimes it takes years for them to show their true colors.

Wendy Williams

Now that E Fashion Police has ended (or on a prolonged hiatus) The Wendy Williams Show is by far my #1 favorite show. The day time talk show airs weekdays while I’m at work but luckily she posts episodes on her YouTube channel by the end of the day. While the show has the normal format, her Hot Topics segment at the beginning of the show is by far the most popular. Enjoy this Hot Topic segment from last week and if you want to see more Wendy visit her YouTube channel.

Everyone is Fat, Broke, and Going Through a Breakup

Why are negative emotions so much easier to relate to? Negativity seems to be the order of the day and positivity seems a bit to unrealistic. When you look back at media from the 1950’s everything was so cheery and full of optimism. Everyone truly believed their life would get better and everything would work out. Now we’re a nation in need of Prozac. It’s like our best hope is that things will simply turn out fine. I once heard a stand-up comic give this advice to new comedians: “No one likes a hero story.” His point was that self deprecating humor is much more likeable and relatable. People will instantly get turned off if you talk about how happy you are and how well your life is going. How often have you gotten annoyed with someone’s because they were posting too many pictures of their new relationship? While it may seem counter intuitive people are much more naturally draw to negative ideas.

Societies need for the negative is so far reaching that we relate to it even when it has nothing to do with us. Society has constructed certain feelings and emotions in us from an early age. They are the feelings that are so clearly understood by everyone despite the fact that many have never actually had the experience. We relate to them because even if our lives have been perfect we create negativity in where there otherwise isn’t. We all feel like the underdogs and therefore we naturally are turned off by anyone who has too much pride. Look at Oprah. She’s loved by millions because they look up to her as a guide and teacher. I doubt anyone would ever use the words Oprah and relatable in the same sentence.

Meghan Trainor’s song All About That Bass is a great example of this phenomenon. The point of the song is that she’s proud of her larger body and tells all the skinny bitches to kiss off. That theme paired with a catchy beat was destined for success. Ask every woman on earth and she’ll tell you that she thinks she needs to lose at least 10 pounds regardless of her actual physical condition. Men aren’t much better. A lot of men chase an unattainable muscular perfection by taking steroid style testosterone and pursuing ever extreme gym routines. (but that’s a topic for a different day) General society has taught everyone to feel physically inadequate and All About That Bass is the theme song of the rebellion. You can go to YouTube and watch videos of legitimate skinny girls singing along with Meghan in united glory. Millions of females all related to being the fat girls despite never actually being the fat girl. Watch the lovely girl in the video below point to her body during the lyric “I ain’t no size 2” when in reality she a size 4 at most. Still she knows exactly how Meghan feels and thinks she should be proud of her (non existent) thick figure. It also proves it’s totally acceptable to be bitchy to those size 2 girls. Society has defined them as the natural enemy.  Picture if Taylor Swift came out with a song about how proud she is to be skinny and telling fat girls to fuck off. She’d be burned at the stake quicker than she gets dumped by a man. (Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate) Being fat is the universally accepted truth that society can identify with. (I realize if you’re in the Bear/Chub world there is a completely different set of unreachable body image standards that do not match with straight society)

Weight isn’t the only universal truth. Lack of money is another common aliment everyone suffers from. You could be dining at the most exclusive country club in the most expensive neighborhood and you’d still find everyone agreeing that they don’t have enough money. ( Ugh servants are just so expensive these days) Low cash flow is something everyone can relate too. However as you talk to people you discover that their definition of poor and your definition of poor are sometimes vastly different. Have you every been around rich friends who are constantly lamenting that they need to win the lotto even though their normal salary is 4 times yours already? Or that friend who always cries poor but you discover it’s because he puts 60% of his paycheck into his saving account. (after a maximum 401k deduction of course) Just because your money is in a different account doesn’t mean it’s not money. Like weight, society has given us the shared experience of never having enough money. After the economic crash of 2008 frivolous spending and opulence just isn’t accepted. Lorde is our voice and none of us will ever be royals.

The last universal plight is the one I’m most guilty of. Everyone can identify with getting dumped. Song writers are very aware of this and have made billions off of the pain and heartache associated with ending relationships. Adele would be just some Brit in a bar if breakup songs weren’t so popular. But like I said I can’t judge because I’m totally guilty of this one. Give me any diva anthem about strength after her no good man did her wrong and I’ll sing along with the conviction of a thousand wronged lovers. It’s Not Right But It’s OkStronger and Dancing On My Own are just a couple of my favorites to name a few. Nothing gets me dancing like an angry breakup dance remix. However the truth is that I’ve never actually been cheated on and I’ve never actually been dumped. Granted I’ve had limited boyfriend experience but they have all been with very nice guys who remained my friends after our romance ended. Despite the total lack of a bad breakup in my life I can still totally identify with the woman scorned. Bad breakups are another one of those negative emotions that people can unite behind even though not all of us have lived through it. On the flip side it’s very difficult to find a positive song about a happy relationship that isn’t at least 30 years old. My Man is the one that always comes to my mind. No one wants to sing along with someone’s who is happy and in love. Be honest, how quickly did that Pharrell song go from being catchy to incredibly annoying?

In conclusion I’ll continue to belt out Dancing On My Own along side my boyfriend who loves me  with the satisfaction of knowing all my bills have been paid on time. 

Up Your Hoody Game With Fat Boy Friendly Styles

Hoody weather is here. Trade in your worn out oldie for a new favorite. All hoodies pictured are available in sizes 2XL or above. Each one is hand picked by me as something I would totally wear and buy. With that said I can give my extra personal recommendation to the green pick from the Gap and my bestie Justin loves his American Giant zip up.







What Makes You A Bear?

I love the bear community and consider it my home. Some would even say I’m entrenched in a world of bears and that’s the way I like it. Ever since my first days on the internet when I was discovered that such a world existed, I’ve always liked bears. Clearly the number one thing that bonds us as bears is the type of men we are or are attracted to. Bears value masculinity and a body that is hairy and solid. However there are a lot more commonalities that might go unnoticed to the casual observer. Many bears tend to be cut from a similar cloth and therefore have similar interests. Margaret Cho had an old joke that pointed out if you go to a renaissance fair, a leather bar, and a bear event you’re going to see a lot of the same faces. Similarly I‘ve always said that if you want to start up on conversation at a bear run you should choose one of the three universal bear topics: sci-fi/gaming, technology/computers, or weight lifting/health. If there had to be a fourth universal topic it would be smoking/drinking. Here’s another tip, if you want to find a bear where you work always start your search in the IT department. I recognize much of this is vast generalizations and stereotypes but stereotypes are there for a reason. Conversations about Doctor Who, the maximum pixel count for your camera phone, or the best lifting routine are all as common as a bear in flannel. Other bears have told me that they’ve never noticed these phenomena before.  I guess if you share these interests it’s easy to take it for granted.

I say all this as a sober fashion week loving non-masculine bear who cares nothing about action movies or gym life. I admit that I’ve never really identified with a lot of bear culture. I guess that’s why I’ve never felt it was a large part of my identity. For example when I started this blog it never occurred to me to give it a bear themed name. To be honest I cringe when the word bear is overused especially when its injected into otherwise average words like husbear, celebearity, etc. If you look back over the last four years on this blog you’ll notice a general lack of posts specifically targeting bears. The Bear Pool Party post is probably the most notable exception. Trust me when I say the lack of bear centric article has not been on purpose but rather a natural evolution. I don’t avoid the topic but I usually focus more on general gay themes because that’s what genuinely interests me. Apart from the our shared taste in a physical form I guess I feel like I don’t usually like what other bears like.

With all that said, I still love bears and our community and consider myself a part of it. (Yes I’m a bear) Bears really are the most fun guys you’ll ever meet. True our taste in movies or and our views on masculinity are often different but who gives a shit. People tend to spend too much time focusing on their differences. In the end we’re all just dudes who like dudes and our differences are what makes life fun. Many of my dearest friends have a variety of interests different than mine. They include concert nuts, car buffs and beast mode power lifters and that’s what makes them interesting people. We always try to define bear in very set terms. I like to think of bear as an umbrella term that encompasses  a wide variety of men. In my case my flame might burn a little brighter than most but that’s never hindered me from making friends and having fun amongst bears. I’ve always felt welcomed and accepted despite any perceived differences. There’s no one specific mold you need to fit into. Most people are pretty good at picking up on when a person is trying to be something they’re not. So just relax and have fun.

So when I’m hanging out with a group of bears dressed in their monochromatic clothes talking passionately about whether Ben Affleck will be a good Batman or not I don’t get uncomfortable and leave. Instead I choose to turn the conversation toward topics that I can contribute to such as sex or gossip or gossip about sex.

Today, October 10th, is the 4 year anniversary of The Gay Gasp and I dedicated this post to all the wonderful bears out there that have stopped by to read my ramblings. 

Getting to Know Me

Hopefully as time goes by I pick up more readers. With that in mind I decided to give some fun facts to help you get to know me better. 

I’m afraid of roller coasters. 
My paternal grandfather died when my father was a teenager.  I know virtually nothing about him other than his name. 
I’m Irish, Polish, and Italian. Although my last name is Irish it’s only a quarter on my ethnicity. (50% is Italian)
I have a tremendous dislike for because it feels like I’m shopping at a flee market. 
Russ is the longest relationship I’ve ever had. Our two year anniversary is in November. 
I’m very good at geography.
I value honesty, self awareness, and confidence.
I’ve seen every episode of the Golden Girls at least 15 times.
Growing up my favorite movie was Big Business staring Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin.
My friends in Connecticut coined the phrase “Pulling a Joe Cavanaugh.” The phrase refers to the act of turning your cheek when someone tries to give you a hello kiss. Example: “When Harold greeted me with a kiss I pulled a Joe Cavanaugh to avoid his fish lips.” Unless I want to make-out with you, I find it very uncomfortable to kiss your lips. 
My least favorite parts of my body are my butt, pecs and eyes.
Your amount of body hair usually has nothing to do with my attraction level to you.
I distrust anyone who will not tell me their real age. 

The first time I was drunk was in 2009. I was 27.
I’ve never been high. 
I believe in God but I ‘m not sure why. I think if my faith was really tested, faith wouldn’t win. 
I’ve never broken a bone. 
I’ve never had the chicken pox. 
The first porn site I ever paid for was
Bear Runs are a lot of fun. 
I have a hard time saying no to trips that involve states I’ve never been to. I keep an active list of the states I still want to visit. 

I grew up with learning disabilities and dyslexia. 
Alexander McQueen is my all time favorite fashion designer and artist but Polo Ralph Lauren is one of the only logos I’ll wear on clothing. 
I’ve never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies. 
I used to love to watch the segment on how things were made on Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood. My two favorites were crayons and construction paper. 
I talk a lot about loving large penises even though it’s actually a lot lower on my priority list than you’d think. An outgoing personality, a solid body, and a nice belly are just some of the trump cards. In reality a thick body will almost always win over a thick dick. Think of it this way, the smaller your waste gets the bigger your dick needs to be to compensate.
I’d rather change a friendship than get rid of it.
When I see a bathroom selfie, I always judge the shower curtain.
I want Tim Blanks to narrate my life.

And finally, as much as I tell everyone everything, I have a secret or two that only a handful of people know. 

Just Shut Up!


This gentleman has a perfectly lovely mushroom tipped penis. However any chance of hotness is ruined when he opens his mouth and starts to talk. Lets break this one down:

“I love masterbating.” Who uses the word masturbating while their masterbating?!? That’s the term you use in a doctors office or if you’re a disgraced politician in a sex controversy.

“My penis loves me.” Really? How long have you two been going out?

“I’m gonna sperm. I’m gonna sperm my load.” I had to go back an listen to this several times to make sure I got it correct. Sperm is a noun not a verb. Next time try the words shot, spray, or unload instead.

Conclusion: Leave the dirty talk to the pros and shut your mouth.
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