1. Finally the Apple Store moved to a bigger spot. Oh look… it’s still too crowded and there still aren’t enough employees.
2. J Crew is too expensive. I’ll just go buy it at the outlet.
3. How the hell does Brookstone stay in business?
6. I need some Sbarro pizza.
8. Does H&M recruit their staff at drag bars?
9. I wonder what the employee discount is at Godiva?
10. Remember when the Gap was cool?
11. Do Ruby Tuesday restaurants exist outside of the mall?
12. Where are the bathrooms?
13. Is my coupon for Bath and Body Works or Bed Bath and Beyond?
14. I can’t decide if Urban Outfitters looks super trendy or super homeless.
15. I hope that mall cop wipes out on his segway.
16. Someday I want to meet the person who says “Yes I furnished my entire home at the generic oriental store at the mall.”
17. Do I smell Auntie Anne’s pretzels?
19. I liked Express Men better when it was still Structure.
20. I need to put a Craigslist ‘Missed Connection’ add for that sexy daddy bear cooking at Williams Sonoma.
21. I’d kill myself if I had to work at Build A Bear.
22. Oakley sells clothes!?
23. Sears is the retail version of your elderly great grandfather. They consider it a successful day as long as they stay alive.
24. The only thing standing between me and the freedom of the outside world is the long walk through the fragrance counters at Macy’s… *The music from Mortal Combat starts to play in your mind*