In Between Boy

In Between Boy: A guy who isn’t fat enough to be fat and I’m not skinny enough to be skinny.

Ask anyone who has lost or gained a noticeable amount of weight in the bear community and they’ll no doubt tell you what a bizarre experience it’s been. About a year ago I lost 30 lbs for health reasons. At my biggest I was at 280 lbs and after loosing weight I’ve consistently been at 250 for almost a year. Throughout the majority of my adulthood I’ve hovered around 250 and was very used to existing in a social sexual gray area. However, once I got up to 280 I felt like I finally had been picked for a team. I liked the way I looked and felt confident. The proof came in the form of extra attention from guys who had previously ignored me because my waist was too small. Even though I was ‘chubby’ for only a couple of years but it was enough time to forget all about the in between zone of my past. Now that I am back down to 250 it’s all gone back to normal. I don’t dislike the way I look. The best way to describe my opinion of my body is “I accept my body for what it is.”
Being a bear who has lost weight, I can tell you from experience that people make some odd comments. I’ve been told (directly to my face) “Don’t lose any more weight you’ve gotten to thin.” That one isn’t very common but I’ve heard it more then once. Usually the comments are delivered in a more diplomatic way, such as, “Hey skinny” or “Have you lost more weight?” I get the latter one on a weekly basis. I try not no be offended but I can’t help decode the hidden meaning “You’re getting too thin and I’m not attracted to you anymore.” Or if the question is coming from a bear who chases chasers the hidden meaning can be “You were too fat before but now you might be cute.” There’s so much judgment and subtext to what their saying that it takes real talent to navigate the social waters. #throwingshade #sideeye 
With that said, I admit I’m full of shit.
Let me explain with the honest answer:
About a year ago I lost 30lbs for my health. While my health improved my confidence sunk. I felt like I was being fired from the team I just joined. My growing insecurities were only exacerbated by my community’s reaction. You see, when a friend asks me if I’ve lost more weight, it simply may be an honest question and observation. As an in between boy with fashion sense I can choose to look beefy or slim depending of the fit of the clothes. With the right outfit I can usually get the pendulum to swing between (a visual) 240 and 260.
All the hidden subtext I mentioned above is really all in my head. I  assume they’re being judgmental because I already feel inadequate. Their comments are unfortunately being filtered through all of the nonsense in my head. I believe a person can only make you feel insecure if you already have the seeds of insecurity in you. A lot of the time their intention was never to hurt my feeling and the fault lies on me if I feel any malice. Having realized this has helped me navigate tricky social situations with more ease. Now when I get asked if I’ve lost more weight I can be polite and honest and tell them “No, it’s just good clothes.”
People always forget I’ve lost weight. My two year anniversary of moving to Dallas is in June of 2014. At this point most Dallas residents have known me at 250 for as long as they knew me at 280. Yet every time I see certain people it’s like they are seeing me for the first time post weight loss. It’s like they have fatty amnesia.

One thought on “In Between Boy

  1. I am actually going through something very similar.

    I gained about 25 pounds in a 3-4 month period. I was up to 250. Easily the biggest I have ever been my life. I wasn't liking it, I mean…outside of a gainer, who the fuck likes gaining almost 30 pounds? I don't know anyone lol.

    Then the unusual amount of comments starting coming in. I must admit they were all positive but that didn't make it any less baffling. I was being hit on more often and was getting a lot of “mmm looking good” type comments. “Right on” I thought to myself. I've still get it!

    It wasn't until a couple weeks later that it dawned on me why I was garnering this extra attention. It started to happen when people I was previously “not big enough” for started to compliment me on my looks and some were straight up propositioning me. People that that I was hot before, think I'm hotter. It makes my brain hurt.

    Now I'm shallow as they come, so I'm not knocking it one way or the other, I will say that it is very strange. Appreciated, but strange.

    I plan on losing weight for health reasons myself and I must admit, a part of me is going to miss all the attention I've received over the last few months. Kinda wish I was going to TBRU so I could have a good time using what I've got while I've got it.

    Ah well, back to being an in-betweener.


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