The gay man and straight girl bond is one that has existed for centuries. However as gay men we need to be honest and give you a dose of some hard truths. Listen up ladies…
1. Knowing one doesn’t equal knowing us all. Having a gay friend is a gift but it doesn’t mean that you are now universally excepted by all gay men, You tend to feel a bit too familiar around gay stranger assuming you have some sort of free pass from your friend back home. Knowing one gay man doesn’t mean you’re instantly best friends with every other gay man in the world. The phrase “My best friend is gay” doesn’t give you the instant access to our parties, alcohol or fashion advice.
2. We loath Bachelorette Parties. I have to be honest, bachelorette parties are literally one of the worst things on earth. There is nothing more god awful than a roving pack on drunk women wearing light up tiaras and drinking from penis straws. I support your right to go out and have a night of debauchery as long as you stay out of our bars. In fact, a great bachelorette idea is partying at home! Save us all the headache. More importantly, as brides-to-be you’re shoving your marriage in our faces when it’s still illegal for gay couples to marry in the majority of US states. That’s really a shitty thing to do when you think about it.
3. Don’t try and set us up. Every straight girl thinks she can be a match maker for all her gay friends. Don’t assume two men you know will hit it off simply because they’re both homos. I know in your mind it’s am easy equation: Gay + Gay = Instant Couple. However you are clueless to the details of lifestyle and type. There’s a lot more that goes into it than just having a penis. You might be totally oblivious to his dominant daddy fetish or his weakness for chubby nerds.
4.You’ll never suck dick as well as we do. We can try and teach you our technique but that’s only half of the equation. Most of the reason why we’re so much better at it is because we love doing it. Straight girls suck dick because they have to. Gay men suck dick because they want to. Want isn’t even the best word. Love to, hope to, need to, live to suck dick. There’s nothing better in life.
5. Not all gay men are glad to see you. Some gay men love to be around as many women as possible. This is usually during the early stages of their coming out processing as you provide a safe non threatening environment. Either that or they live in a small town where the luxury of other gay men is absent. For the rest of us, we are very content to have little to no social exposure to straight women. A lot of times we just want to party with other guys. So when you tag along as the only women at a gay party you should realize that the gay friend who brought you has just been mentally removed from all future invite lists.
6. Drag queen only pretend to like you. This goes in conjunction with the bachelorette theme. Ladies you should know that drag queens can’t stand you either but they pretend because they want your tips. You’re just a drunk ATM in their eyes.
7. Gay men can treat you worse than straight men. Women flock to gay hang outs as an escape from the pressure of straight men. Gay men provide a false sense of safety though. Granted you might be left alone because we won’t hit on you. However the price you pay is probably the harshest criticism of your life. You see, straight men want sex from you which puts you at an instant advantage. At their core, straight men aren’t very picky. Tits and ass are great but as nice girl that says yes is hard to find so they won’t push their limits. Because gay men don’t need sex from you it allows us to be crueler than you ever thought possible. So as you dance with your gal pals on the dance floor with your gin and diets, you should know that you are being judged for every detail possible. Yes we notice that you’re trying (unsuccessfully) to pass off a Forever 21 clearance rack bargain as a designer dress. And yes we also notice the blood stain you thought you washed out last week.
8. When we hit on your straight husband we’re not joking. Simply stated, if your husband gave us the opportunity… we’d take it. No questions asked.