Old People Words

My parents are older and when ever I’m around them I chuckle at the endless supply of old people words they use. The words aren’t wrong just out dated. See if you recognize any of these gems.

Sanka- Decaf Coffee
Slacks- Pants
Dungarees- Jeans
The Stir- Prison/Jail
Dressing- Stuffing
Tennis- Sneakers
Orientals- Asians

In Other News

-The American Music Awards were much better than I expected. Women continued their total domination of the pop music scene. I think Justin Timberlake wins every award by default because there just literally isn’t competition. The favorite moments of the night were Lady Gaga’s Marilyn performance, Miley Cyrus’ duet with a kitten, and Jennifer Lopez bringing down the house in a tribute to Celia Cruz. The most cringe worthy moments included Ke$ha’s embracing attempt at signing Timber and Rihanna singing Diamonds even though it was released in September of 2012.

 -Speaking of Gaga, I’m OBSESSED with her her new Versace ads. #YES #YAAAAS

-The Hunger Games: Catching Fire was finally released and broke box office records. I saw it and I recommend it. It’s entertaining and well made. Did I love it? Ehhh… I kind of had a lukewarm reaction to the whole thing. I think the series as a whole is better if you read the books. It also doesn’t help that I’m totally over Jennifer Lawrence.

-Family Guy killed off Brian the dog. Oops spoiler alert! I just ruined your night two years from now when you finally watch it on TBS.

-James Franco and Seth Rogan made nailed it (and each other) this week when they did a shot for shot remake of Kanye West’s Bound 2 music video. So funny!

Back Stories: Rick from Florida

I love making up back stories to go with random pictures I find. This one caught my on Tumblr. As a reminder, the following is completely made up in my head and any similarities to reality are totally coincidental.
The back story:
His name is obviously Rick. He’s a 54 year old former military man now living in Florida. Army life and a short lived marriage kept him in the closet until his 40’s despite years of screwing around with his fellow soldiers. Now that he’s retired on a government pension, he spends his time working out and doing semi-professional porn. This picture was taken moments after his final cum shot during group scene filmed just outside by the pool. He spent the last 45 minutes fucking an excessively shaved latino on an uncomfortable cement bench. Afterward this he has lunch date with a younger guy he met on Scruff. Rick bought a new American Eagle polo so he wouldn’t look so old for his new cub because while he hates playing up his ‘Daddy’ sex appeal everyone else loves it.

Other details:

The photograph was actually taken through a sliding glass door causing the blurry ‘steam room’ filter effect.

Joe the homeowner is one of Rick’s former married fuck buds from is younger days back in New Jersey. Joe’s ex-wife took everything in the divorce except their over sized Italian furniture.

Rich bought that robe at a local Ft. Lauderdale shop because it reminded his of his days overseas with the military.

Great Gift Idea

Now that my anniversary has passed, I can finally share the great gift idea I had. With the help of an easy to use online site, I created a custom photo mosaic for Russ. It came out wonderful and made the perfect sentimental gift. I liked it so much I made a second one for myself. Here’s how it works. 

Visit: http://www.easymoza.com/

First you upload the photo you want to act as the main image. Then simply upload as many snapshots as you can to comprise the mosaic. They recommend using a minimum of about 200 pictures. Honestly the hardest part of the whole process was finding that many pictures. After a couple clicks, the website creates your custom image. The minor cost provides you with a very large format digital download that you can bring it to any local photo printer. (Wallgreens, Snapfish etc) Once printed, simply frame and give. It’s easy to make and if you’re like me you’ll enjoy the process. It’s a memorable present that your loved ones are sure to cherish. The best part: It’s also very budget friendly. Most of the $30 total cost came from printing the poster at Wallgreens and buying a frame at Target.

P.S. This is a great gift idea for parents/grandparents with pictures of their children.

First of Many

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend Russell. It’s actually my first year anniversary with anyone ever. Don’t worry, I know everyone has a weak gag reflex when they hear about someone else’s happiness. Rather then go on and on about what a loving, adorable, kind, and hard working person he is I will instead focus on the anniversary details itself.

Before there is an official ceremony, how does a dating couple mark their anniversary? In our case November 19th 2012 is the date I put our relationship status on Facebook. It’s a real sign of the modern age when social media has had such a real impact on our lives. I remember when I changed my status from single to In A Relationship a friend (Steve aka Fruitloop) commented that “It’s not real until it’s on Facebook.” That’s really true these days. Say what you want about the site but Facebook is there to share the major (and minor) events in our lives.

Our relationship has been very modern and electronic from the start. We first connected in person as I was leaving the Round Up (bar). He was working the door and rubbed my belly as I left. After that though we chatted on Growlr and became Facebook friends before our first date. From there our romance played out online as our friends saw every check in and cute photo. That’s also why, if you’re a Dallas local, you might be thinking… “It’s only been a year?” Many people assumed we were a couple long before we made it official. I see a lot of stories about social media’s harm on dating. In our case social media did nothing but enhance our connection. But I believe we’re a great pair and compliment each other well so Facebook just made it easier to share the love.

I don’t know what the future holds but I looks forward to laughing and smiling for years to come.

P.S. Russ, this doesn’t mean you’re getting out of New Years 😀

The Secret Garden

Have you ever known someone who avoids specific topics of conversation? Or better yet have you ever known someone who remains guarded about certain aspect of their lives?

If your friend is emotionally closed off do you respect the boundaries or try and break through their wall? More specifically, if someone never talks about an aspect of their life do you ask or assume they do not want to talk about it? If someone noticeably has never spoken about something I assume it’s on purpose and have always taken it as a signal not to ask. I’ll use the subject of family as an example although it’s far from the only one. Family can be a very touchy subject for some people because relationships may be strained or nonexistent. You probably have a close friend whom you’ve known for a while yet you know nothing about their familial ties. I talk about my family often because we have a good relationship and are still in contact. I’d assume if your family was not a taboo subject you would at some point chime in with conversation such as “My mother loves that show too” or “My whole family goes to my uncle’s house for Thanksgiving.” If I’ve never heard you utter the word mother, father, sister, etc my guess is that line of questioning is off limits. I have a childhood friend whom I’m extremely close to. I’ve met his mother and heard stories about his brother and his wedding. However he’s never once said anything about a father. The background story might not have a happy ending so I’ve always left the ball in his court.  If he wants to bring it up I’ll be willing to listen.

Recently it’s occurred to me though that I might be misreading the situation. Some people are not forthcoming with information although if asked are willing to open up. Also they may view your willingness to ask as a sign of friendship and trust. I generally try and follow the adage treat people the way you want to be treated. However it occurs to me that not everyone wants to be treated like I do. I avoid topics I don’t want to talk about but am very forthcoming with information on everything else. A lot of people’s books are not as open as mine I guess. With that in mind, I’m going to try and be more proactive and ask the questions I would otherwise avoid when the situations present themselves. In my experience, the few times I’ve braved through the emotional walls to ask questions the response was most often surprise. The other person was surprised I didn’t know about his sister in the army or that his parent divorces when he was young etc. I don’t point out that I can’t know something unless they tell me. Instead I take the moment as a bonding conversation.

This might be a lesson for both sides. If you tend to be the more guarded type maybe it’s time to share more about yourself and your past. If you’re an over-sharer like me, then it’s your turn to ask questions and be a good listener.

Rumor Has It

Earlier today the phrase “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, that’s what everyone has always thought” came up in conversation. Without going into too much detail, the conversation was about whether or not a couple would soon divorce. For the sake of this article I’ll call them Sam and Alex. Rumors of unhappiness and discontent have swirled around them for years despite everything looking good on the surface. Call me naive but I always assumed it was just negative judgmental speculation and I didn’t give it real weight. I try to always remember that every relationship is different and we may not know what really goes on behind closed doors. Trying to be an optimist I guess I thought that the truth had to be better than the rumors. People always tend to assume the worst and rumors are never positive (especially when it comes to relationships). My optimism bubble burst when the truth was confirmed and it was in fact just as everyone assumed it to be. Sam and Alex are separated and headed to divorce court. So are the rumors always true?

I should be clear about what I mean when I use the word rumor as opposed to gossip.

Rumor- Speculative information, usually talked about for a long period of time.
Gossip- Short lived spontaneous stories that start as quickly as they die.

The best example of a rumor is Tom Cruise’s craziness. Tom Cruise’s personal life has been in question for a LONG time. The most persistent of all rumors is that he has some crazy bullshit going on behind the scenes. I can’t think of anything more shocking then to find out he’s really a level headed sane person. When it comes to gossip, a good example is Ryan Seacrest’s sexuality. Early in his career, speculation swirled about the host’s preferences. Come to think of it, most of the speculation came from Kathy Griffin. Although as time went on the gossip died down and everyone realized although he’s metro and feminine he’s also totally straight.

Idle gossip will always exist but it usually has its 15 minutes of fame and then disappears. Persistent rumors are another story. When a rumor won’t die it deserves serious consideration. Years back we knew a hot straight bar tender who everyone thought was gay despite his friendly girlfriend whom we had all met. I chalked it up to gay men thinking everyone is homo. Rumors proved to be true once again when the bar tender finally come out of the closet.

As I sit writing this piece I also start to think about some of the other persistent rumors that I’ve heard for years. You know the ones… All those catty jokes you hear at the bar or while lunching with your bestie “Oh her… everyone knows she steals/vomits/lies etc.”  I always nod in agreement as they tell me the seemingly unbelievable story all the while thinking to myself “There’s no way that can be true.” However more so than not I’m proven wrong. There’s not really a lesson here, but more of a general observation. Maybe I’m just catching on but it seems like I should listen to the word on the street more often.
P.S. names and situations have been changes to protect the guilty
P.P.S. If you think this post is about you, you’re probably correct.
P.P.P.S. Just kidding 😉

An Open Letter to Xtube

Good afternoon Xtube,

I’m a fan of your website and according to my profile I’ve been a member for more than 7 years. Wow! How time flies. It’s hard to believe but your simple idea for a site where people can share personal photos and videos was actually years ahead of it’s time. Although you blazed the trail, competitors like Dropbox and Tumblr have sprinted ahead of you. Due to your lack of improvement or change you are at risk of becoming outdated and forgotten. However now is the perfect time to evolve and retake your claim as the kings of spank-me time. With electronic communication becoming predominantly mobile the internet has gotten a good scrub down by Apple’s no nudity and pornography standards. Tumblr, the raining champion of easy access and sharable porn is at a crossroads since the Yahoo corporation has bought them out earlier this year. Although Yahoo has vowed not to change anything, as time goes by there are bound to be some tweeks and every indicator points to change equaling no more porn. (It should be noted that many people do use Tumblr for non-naked activities but I don’t know any of this people) Because many companies have built they’re brand based on their app it is difficult for them to break free. Your fear of change and mobile use may have actually helped you because now you can start from scratch and learn from everyone else’s mistakes and successes.

In order to get back to the top though you must first improve your mobile site. This will be the key to your survival. Don’t waist time and money on an app because then you’ll be subject to Apple + Google’s mobile app standards. Keep it a simple mobile site that can be accessed with any standard web browser. There’s also no need to have a groundbreaking site with never before seen features. You just need something functional. My advice is to copy Youtube’s format and make minor adjustments. Once that’s done you need to make the mobile uploading of videos as easy as possible from Apple and Droid network devises. People want and use porn on the go. Luckily you already have a built in ‘subscribe’ feature that you can morph into a newsfeed/dashboard similar to Instagram or Facebook so user can scroll through recent uploads from they’re favorite friends. As you remodel your mobile site, don’t forget about the full version too. It’s long overdue for a makeover.  During this remodel you also need to remove 50% of the banner that clutter the screen because right now your site looks like a cluttered porn hoarder’s basement.. I’m sure those ads are the main revenue source for your business so you might be hesitant to cut them down. To offset the loss in add revenue I recommend asking members to pay a minor fee for increased features like advanced search options and nearby GPS member locating You’ll be able to keep the main site free but make those added bonuses worth a couple dollars.

There is a growing void in social media for a place where people can practice their sexual exhibitionism and voyeurism. Don’t pass up this opportunity to regain your former greatness. Help me Xtube, I’ve got a raging hard on and you’re my only hope.