Causing A Commotion: An Open Letter to Russia

Dear Russia,
The Library is open!
You recently passed a set of laws that basically make it illegal to be gay. Even showing public support for the gay community is crime punishable by prison time.  Seriously? Where do I even begin?! Before I’m about to read someone, I try to give them at least one compliment. It softens the blow. However in your case I couldn’t think of a single nice thing to say. Tolstoy’s classic Anna Karenina came to mind but then I remembered the most recent film version was so completely British that they didn’t even try and hide their accents. Is your country so bad that actors don’t even want to pretend to be Russian? No really, what do you have going for you? Yes you’re an enormous land mass but let’s be honest… most of your square footage is frozen wasteland. I doubt there was a long line of empires ready to fight for that. Its like getting  10 free acres of land in North Dakota. There’s a reason its free. What else… ? Oh yeah you’re really cold and really poor. I mean that whole communism thing worked out great for you. Let’s recap: Freezing weather and widespread poverty paired with legal discrimination and hate! I’d have more fun searching for mosques in Alabama.  
Why are you so against gay people? Are you worried their happiness is going to bring down your ‘great’ nation? (There’s heavy air quotes and side eye around the word great) Are you just trying to grab headlines? You haven’t been relevant since the cold war and this stinks of a cry for attention. You’re like a once popular actress who’s now reduced to film school art projects. You’re the Sean Young of countries. For the last couple decades you’ve been quiet. Honestly I just assumed you drank too much vodka and passed out in the snow. (I assume the same thing about Sean Young) Little did I know you were locked away planning to unleash hate and discrimination on your citizens. 
So you’ve decided to play the crazy hate card. You’ve been out of the game for a long time and the world is a much different place now. We’ve got the middle east and North Korea who have taken crazy to a new level. They love hatred and tyranny and even they’re laughing at your pathetic attempt at evil. Many Americans are calling for a boycott of the Olympic Games set to take place there in 2014. I don’t know if we should go as far as boycotting, but I would love it if the cast of RuPaul’s Drag Race led the athletes as they walked into the stadium at the opening ceremonies. Don’t fuck it up!
Sincerely, 
The Gay Gasp
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