Swim: 20 Signs You’re at a Bear Pool Party

 Buzzfeed.com recently had an hilarious article 20 Signs You’re at a Gay Pool Party. It was funny but aimed more at the gyms rat and twink crowd. What about the bears? Bear pool parties are similar but with a few key differences.

1. You’ve never seen the official invite, everyone ‘just knows’

2.The food will consist of hot dogs, hamburgers, mac&cheese, sides dishes, chips, and cookies.

3. Alcohol will consist of: Beer, vodka, coke/diet coke, cranberry juice, and flavored vodka no one knows what to do with.

4. Its a great place to find pot

5. There’s a designated spot along the house/fence where you should piss

6. At some point there will be minor argument over who’s iPhone should be the DJ

7. A cute bathing suit isn’t important because its going to come off anyway.

8. Someones having sex upstairs

9. Someones getting jerked off underwater

10. There’s never enough noodles

11.You’ve been introduced to the host couple but you’re not sure which is which because they’re always introduced as ‘Todd and Rick.’

12. There will be a Twerk-Off. Someone will win, some one will cry.

13. That guy you hate will be there and you’ll have to fake a smile all day

14. Someone will want you to take an action shot of him jumping into the pool.  Afterward he’ll realize his phone was in his pocket and is now ruined.

15. There’s never enough ice or sunscreen

16. 5 other bears will be wearing the same Old Navy bathing suit as you. You know the navy blue one with a white stripe down the side…

17. You’ll leave shoes, sunglasses, underwear or some other accessory behind.

18. Two words: Jello shots

19. The street will be to narrow and the parking will suck.

20. Watch out because someone might shit in the garage.

P.S. I LOVE Buzzfeed! Check them out in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t yet.

Thank you to Andy, Gates, and Steve for the photos. If you ever need head at a pool party, let me know 🙂

35 thoughts on “Swim: 20 Signs You’re at a Bear Pool Party

  1. DAMN! This hit it right on the head. More alcohol than I have ever seen in my life, the food….yes, carbs are our friend. Everytime there is the ass clown that I hate there and I do admit to thinking of ways he could die under mysterious circumstances.


  2. OK, I know this is dark, but true:
    21. All of the guys you think are really hot still avoid you mercilessly.
    22. A really drunk guy not only spills his drink on you, but his plate of spaghetti as well.
    23. You leave after the 4th time someone asks you why you are there because you aren't hairy or stocky enough.


  3. Never heard of #20 happening, but I do have to add another pair:

    24. The guys who are really hot refuse to take off their shorts.
    25. The guys who aren't even remotely hot are the first ones naked.


  4. So true, why do the really out of shape ones, the real Santa Claus types, always strip down like they are The Man?

    The really super hot guys don't strip (they do once they get drunk) because they can feel all the stares and lust vibrations. And they want to ward off Papa Santa Claus groping them.


    1. Um, I think your attitude goes against the whole point of Bear pool parties–maybe you need to hang around twink parties more if you’re going to judge people by looks.


  5. bear parties can be fun, but it seems at these functions everyone knows everyone and no one even tries to get to know the “newbies”. There's plenty of junk food but besides the hamburger and hot hot dogs, how many bbq hotdogs in a crockpots can someone bring and the countless bags of chips. That's not even counting the numerous bargain basement grocery store cookies and bad desserts. It's sort of a diabetic older crowd coma waiting to happen. There should be a plethora of music, mix it up a tad with a sound system that everyone can hear. Why does sex have to play an important part at a social gatherings, is this what pool parties are all about. There is a time and place for everything.


  6. The out of shape, Santa bears are probably the ones who have the best self esteems and personalities and are totally comfortable with them selves… The hotties are only thinking about what people think of the hence the big ego dressed up as shyness…

    I'll take Santa over the pretty muscle bear cub ANY day, thanks…


    1. Yeah, the whole point of the Bear Movement is a response to the judgmental looksist attitude of the “mainstream” gay movement claiming that only hot people are allowed to take off their clothes.


  7. There's also the periodical check up of who's beard is developing hot badger daddy stripes, who left their Just For Men in for three hours, and which cub got a suit job so he had to shave his face and 360° around his neck. There's the bear with a second rate bear logo tee that you spend the day redesigning in your head. Three bears will have kids from a straight marriage and one or two will have grandchildren but have the sense to not talk about them. You're too drunk to remember who's backhair is soft as kitten fur and who's is rough as brillo so you keep checking them all every two hours. The cabbie that drives you home will be the hottest mess of the night.


  8. I love bear pool parties! We have the best ones where I live! So much fun! Also most of these are all true…bahahahaha! Enjoy life! Party More! Work less!


  9. I've never been to a bear pool party, never hear about them until after the fact. I'd go in a heartbeat if I knew ahead of time, though. And yes, I'm a bear.


  10. THIS. Especially 21 and 23. I'm beefy enough and finally (at the age of 39…go fig), I have a beard that's somewhat worthy of the name. I have been called a bear a few times. I doubt I will ever consider myself a bear. After having been on the outside for so long, and building up so much bitterness for not belonging, I'm not sure I'd want to be considered a bear. Bears can be so cliquish sometimes.


  11. Ugh been to a few, everyone is just so cliquey and shallow, it’s like ground hog day each day, same people same “Hi How are you” same “Grrrr” – rubs belly but has same two faced attitude. The pool gets real messy by day 3 and very unhygienic. The Mud Slide cocktails made from the worst and cheapest liquor they could make – The politics and bitchiness has to be seen to be believed – No Thanks Guys…


  12. Also:
    -much of the conversation centers around reality shows, especially “Real Housewives…”
    -there are periodic surveys about who’s found the best new porn sites
    -the ones who don’t bring any food are the ones who eat the most


  13. Every party in Atlanta is ckickish.
    Pretty boy, muscle boy, bear, twink… If you aren’t perfect for the crowd or hung like a horse….. You aren’t gonna be spoken too or fit in. You’re the one with “the plague”, that the others sit back wondering how you got invited anyway.


  14. i could have done without seeing no.20 but otherwise most of them do capture the spirit of the bear pool party . it was fun for a time until the very few jerks start annoying you too much with their hate and bullying and make it so uncomfortable ,that you don’t think it’s worth it to go back again . hopefully you make enough good friends by that time ,that you can do your pool partys and private affairs and private parties with the friends you made and don’t need to be around the bad bears anymore. ultimately ,it’s worth going for the friends you make along the way


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