Bland. Fin Average. Ok. Nice. Standard. Common. Beige. Boring.

Color has always had an emotional connotation. Red represents fire and passion. Blue is calm and cool. What about beige? When you think of the color beige do you get any emotion reaction or connection? If beige were a musical group, it would be the perfect album to fall asleep to. No you don’t. For my color blind readers, beige is neutral tone in the tan family. It represents the ultimate neutral. Used a lot in decoration, Its best when paired with a stronger color. Beige is also a term that refers to a person place or thing.  That person usually shares many of the same characteristics. A dull non-offending soul that is devoid of any lasting impression.

Beige: Adj- Fitting in to the standard without any distinguishing uniqueness. Causes no strong emotional response. Dull. (Source- Me)

I used this adjective most often to refer to a person or event. A beige afternoon is one that’s not good yet it’s not bad either. Its nothing, its beige. I’m reminded of a Sex and the City episode when Carrie tries to figure out why Mr. Big is marrying Natasha and not her. She comes to the realization that Natasha is a pretty and uncomplicated. Carrie on the other hand represents passion, emotion, and complexity. Natasha is total beige.

There are several cliché ways of putting it but the lesson here is to have a personality. Have an opinion. That doesn’t mean you should be a cunt or run around with in a Dora the Explorer costume just to stand out. I simply mean that you should show the world what makes you a unique individual. If you stand for everything, you stand for nothing. Your personality doesn’t always have to come out verbally. Not everyone wants to be the center of attention or the loudest in the room. You can avoid beige by your actions. I remember the first time I met my friend Harry and learned his job was designing slaughter house equipment. Regardless of how you feel about eating meat, you have to admit he has a pretty interesting and unique career. It’s one that you won’t soon forget. On the flip side, how many gays have you met that work in IT?

A good test of your beige rating is to image a friend is describing you to a possible blind date match. What would he say about you? Here are some real descriptions of people I know:

Andy is an adorable guy who always has a smile on his face. He’s into photography and has a deep love affair for weed and parties.

Jason loves drawing and artistry. Definitely take a look at his sketches if you ever get a chance. Little known fact, he has a degree in zoology and is also obsessed with animals.

Unfortunately having a severely quiet and shy persona can often lead to a beige rating. Sometimes that rating is justified because he or she really has nothing interesting to say or do. Other times there is personality and color lurking beneath the surface without a way of getting out. Do you find yourself standing like a stone monument at parties next to the one friend you feel comfortable with? I’m sorry to tell you, everyone at that party thinks you’re beige. Either that or they think your friend hired a body guard for himself. In any case you’ve probably made a forgettable first impression. All is not lost though. Every new party or social gathering is an opportunity to show yourself. Every beige boy can turn it around and become the guy who is  “…a lot more fun than I thought.”

If you’re just too shy or really lack any noticeable personality then all that’s left is your body. You better beef up and learn how to fuck like a porn star. Hot and fuckable always fixes beige.

Every region has it’s own unique quirks even amongst the bear community. For example Connecticut’s bear community tends to be more chub centric where as New York and the big cities bring out the muscle men. Dallas is for daddies. If you’re a hot older bear (45+) who’s looking for ‘love’ then pack up your shit and move to Dallas. I’d say at least half the guys my age (25-35) in Dallas are into older bears as their primary type and some are totally daddy exclusive. FYI it would also benefit you if you were a top. I even know a couple no so young guys who share the daddy attraction even though they themselves have reached daddy status.

I’m surprised by the high concentration of daddy lovers not the actual love itself. I totally get the attraction to older guys and I’ve always been attracted to people older them myself. Even my friends tend to be about 10 years older then I am on average. I remember when I was little and my class would go on the end of the year field trip, I would always want to hang out with the parents instead of the kids my age. I’m just naturally attracted toward a more mature sensibility. Luckily now that I’m in my 30’s I feel like my mental and physical age have finally caught up with one another.

Friendship is great but older guys are also built for sex. There is something so incredibly sexy about a mature bear with experience who knows what he wants and how to get it. Even better when he knows how to take it. Daddy bears have that perfect stocky build and their belly rests on your forehead while fucking your mouth. Ok… I might be getting off track here but you get the idea. Daddy bears are very sexy.

If you’re a hot older bear or one your way to becoming one here are some tips to up your stud status. My first and most important recommendation is be proud of your age. Stay up to date with current trends but don’t try and look younger then you really. There’s a difference between feeling youthful and dressing young. In fact dressing too young with always make you look older then you really are.  Frosted blond hair and a sleeveless Abercrombie shirt are not cute on anyone over the age of 29. Wear clothes that show off your best assets. Masculine classics like polos, t-shirts, and jeans are going to add to your sex appeal rather then detract from it. Shorts are a great summer option but stay away from jeans shorts. While we’re on the subject, avoid wearing jean shorts, black leather books, and white tube socks bunched over the top. That look is not cute.

If you’re younger like me it’s something to look forward to. The next 20 years will be filled with fun and laughter and thank god bears only get better with age. Seriously, is there anything sadder then an over the hill twink? Poor twinks.

I appreciate a good commercial. This one caught my attention because it’s clever and days later I still remembered the name of the store. Very successful. How many time do you see a funny commercial but totally forget what its for. For example, remember that famous commercial set in an emergency room where everyone starts singing Tainted Love? Can you remember what it was selling?

Side note: In the final scene when to store name is shown, check out the super hottie in the the blue shirt and man bag.

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Why is it almost impossible to find solid white suspenders? White, not tan or beige. White. Stores don’t carry them so I might have to buy them from Amazon despite my hatred for that site.

I’ve come to the realization that Bravo president and host Andy Cohen is the real life incarnation of Jack McFarland from Will and Grace. Think about it… an over the top gay man somehow becomes a network executive and is then given his own ridiculous talk show.

While we’re on the subject, Fashion Queen’s (also on Bravo) is the real life incarnation of Men on Film skit from In Living Color.

Angelina Jolie announced she had a double mastectomy because she had a 85% genetic likelihood of getting breast cancer.

Happy Ending and Smash got cancelled. My boyfriend is devastated over the later.

Maxim came out with it’s Hot 100 List and surprisingly Miley Cyrus topped the list. Really? Seriously?

Remember, when you like an old picture of someone on Facebook, said picture is then posted in the news feed of all your friends. Want to play a fun game? When a couple is newly broken up, go through and like a bunch of pics of them together. It’ll be a news feed on awkward broken hearts.

I’m addicted to string cheese.

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Dear Madonna,

This year marks the 30th anniversary of your first (self titled) album and your appearance at the punk themed Met Gala on Monday inspired this letter. First let me say that I’m a huge fan. Huge. You’re one of the few performers who can truly be called an icon. When you hit the red carpet in New York I loved every inch of your look. Now normally in my open letters this would be the part where the tone got increasingly negative. However that’s not the case this time. This marks the first time I’ve written an open letter to someone for praise and admiration.

You may be wondering after all these years why I am writing you. Why now? Really I just wanted to say keep up the good work. You have reached a level of success that can only be compared to a small handful of musicians many of whom are either dead (Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson) or retired. You are in uncharted territory for a female performer. After a career spanning 3 decades you managed to have the highest ratings for a Superbowl halftime show ever. Granted you may not be as relevant to a 14 year old as Rihanna, but Rihanna wouldn’t exist with out you. Britney Spears tried to follow in your foot steps but crumbled under the pressure. You’re level of sanity and pose is rare and commendable.

Lets get back to your look at the punk themed Met Gala. A Tartan plaid blazer embellished with gold studs? Glam Punk Realness! Straight black hair in a classic bob? FIERCE! Ripped fishnets and pink pumps? Shante you stay! You are redefining who a 54 year old women should be. I just have one favor to ask? DON’T FUCK IT UP! Please resist any urge to be a reality show judge. I’m sure American Idol would throw buckets of money at you but the last thing you need is to get into cat fights with Nicki Minaj. Reality TV cheapens a celebrity. Yes most are cheap to begin with so there’s no compromise but you have standards. So keep up they good twerk.

Sincerely Yours

The Gay Gasp