An Open Letter to Justin Timberlake

Dear Mr. Timberlake,
First let me congratulate you on your recent wedding. Hopefully your personal life will flourish as well as your professional life has. For a relatively young man you’ve had a long and successful career. My personal favorites include What Goes Around Comes Around, My Love, and Cry Me A River. Plus, can we talk about the video for Cry Me A River, with the Britney look-a-like!?! LOVE IT! After tremendous success in the music industry you even managed to make the cross over into film and television. You won rave reviews for your dramatic work in the Social Network as well as your spectacular comedic turns on Saturday Night Live. Bravo!
You’ve carved yourself a unique niche in show business but it seems you want to return to your musical roots. Understandable, your fans have been waiting for new music your years and on paper it sounds like a great idea. Sadly the reality got lost in translation. To be honest, I suspect your motive for releasing a new album was purely monetary. Some big record exec probably threw buckets of cash your way in exchange for one more record. Now we the public must suffer through the 20/20 Experience. I haven’t heard the entire album but the first single Suit and Tie was released to lukewarm reactions. Ok, I’ll be blunt, Suit and Tie is/was shit awful. When it tanked my faith in humanity was restored a little bit. Now you’ve released a second single Mirrors. It’s never a good sign when one single is release so soon after the first.(and the album isn’t even out yet) Yikes! Obviously that money wielding executive is getting getting nervous. Mirrors is a good song and a big improvement over S&T. Before you get to excited I said good, not great. The main obstacle is length. Mirrors clocks in at a mind numbing 8 minutes long. 8 FUCKING MINUTES! Are you kidding me?!

Around the 5 minute mark listeners will all have the same feeling “Oh this feels like the end of a good song.”  Until they realize they still have to endure 3 more minutes. Then their thought instantly changes to, “Three more minutes? The song wasn’t that good.” Oh Justin, what are you doing? You struck out with your first single and this one feels like it’s going to be a bunt at best. Maybe it’s a good idea to stick to guest spots on SNL and leave your musical past in the past.

The Gay Gasp

P.S.- You were obviously uninspired for this album. Suit and Tie, Mirrors… I picture you sitting on the couch at home looking around the room for song ideas. There last song on the album is called Blue Ocean Floor. I bet you $10 JT has blue carpet somewhere in his house. Is your next song going to be Duvet Cover?

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