Feeling a bit nostalgic I went back and read through my old Livejournal. I kept the online journal from 2006 to 2008 and it made me cringe a bit to read through my old ramblings. It also gave me an important realization that I’m always trying to change myself. I’ve always tried to look at myself objectively and change the things that aren’t working. Whether the goal is to be more outgoing or save more money, I’ve always got a new mission or resolution. Yet it seems that through the years I’ve done nothing but stay the same. To quote myself:
‘Recently I’ve been aware of how naive I am. I wonder if people think to themselves, “That poor boy, he’s so clueless about life.” I realize that I don’t and can’t know everything, but I thought I was doing pretty well and on a good path to wisdom. Now, I find out I don’t know a damn thing. Everything I though I knew about myself is crap! I question every choice or instinct I have. I don’t know when to trust myself. I’ve been spun around so much, I’m lost in the middle of the woods.’ [April 2006]
First things first… How mellow dramatic and cliche is that?!? Gag. Yes I know I’m fucked in the head but I’m much better at editing myself now. You don’t want to read my online therapy. To avoid that trap I’ve started to ask myself a simple question: “Is the post meant for the public or is it a passive aggressive way of telling someone something?” My other observation is that I’m meant to be single. [I’m going to try an walk the fine line between observation and online therapy here] I’ve had mixed feelings about my love life over the years but I’ve learned an important lesson. If god sent me my perfect man, I would still find a way to fuck it up. Very simply, I don’t have enough self esteem to make healthy choices but there’s no sense in beating myself up about it.
When I turned 30, one of my goals was to stop over analyzing all my thoughts and feelings and no more trying to change myself. After 30 years this is me like it or not. I’ve been doing very well so far but old habits die hard. But as the British say ‘Keep Calm and Carry On.’ I’m going to forge ahead into a great future and even though I may not have a boyfriend, at least I have a full closet.