Will You Not Marry Me?

With the growing trend of second boyfriends and blurry relationship rules, I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to have a long term partner. As I’ve said before, relationships fascinate me. I’m always curious what happens behind closed doors. I’ll tell you up front that this post will ask a lot of questions but provide very few answers. I know as much about relationships as Tyra Banks knows about humility.
I met my good friend Justin for coffee the other night and he brought up a very good question. Why are so few gay couple getting married? Gay marriage is legal locally in Massachusetts, Connecticut, and New York and 85% of my friends are in long term committed relationships. However I only know of one local pair that is engaged. (Congrats Jeff and Ollie) Like Justin, the few married men I know had plans before the legalization. I thought couples would be lining up to officially pledge their commitment. Especially because many of my friends have been together for 10 years or more. So why is the New England (bear) community ignoring marriage? Is it a modern choice or a sign of deeper disconnect and complacency. It’s totally understandable that they’ve been together for a long time and simply outgrew the idea.  But I still wonder if there is a hidden fear of commitment in everyone.
The gay community has always been very good at adapting. I love that gay men have found clever ‘work arounds’ for the common pitfalls of marriage. Most notably the prevalence of open relationships. It’s widely known that after many years a couple’s sex life can slow down. Hot and Heavy is replaced with Quiet and Comfortable. But when you have every cock available to you, how often do you suck the one at home? With no basis in fact, I’ve always assumed that many relationships turn into a romantic roommate situation. Nonsexual life partners. Is that true? My friends may be more hot and heavy then I give them credit for. What’s your story?

Who do you have sex with more?

_Your husband
_Your second boyfriend
_A hookup
_Yourself (hand, dildo, fleshlight etc)

Do you see yourself ever getting legally married?
_Yes
_No

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4 thoughts on “Will You Not Marry Me?

  1. Have you ever considered that there is no correlation between a long term relationship and marriage. There are plenty of examples in america where even straight couples who have been together for many years and whom are not married; think of Brad and Angelina, or until recently Gene and Shannon (Simmons). There are many issues that have to be considered, including legal, that are a part of marriage. It's more than just “tying the knot and an “i do”, you have to consider the “i don't”. In today's society, marriage does not mean forever; so you have to consider that. You have to look at it as a business agreement, where assets are shared and there has to be acceptance that there may be more than just your husband or wife, in yours, or their lives.

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  2. I think the author is just commenting on an observation, not attacking anyone's choices. Fact: gay marriage has been legal in CT for three years, but the vast majority of bear couples in long-term relationships (>5 years) are just choosing not to take the plunge. As the author stated, it could just be a modern choice. There's plenty of room for all viewpoints here, and as long as the choices available to straight couples are made available to gay couples, everyone should be to participate or not as their hearts and minds desire.

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  3. When in open relationships (and also when in closed relationships, for obvious reasons) the guy I'm with has always been the primary target of my sexual interest. Of course, most of those relationships have been measured in terms of months, not years.

    I personally don't think that it's a matter of fear of commitment. By the time you've moved in together, opened joint accounts, started going to one another's family functions, adopted pets exchanged friends, and otherwise entangled your lives, you've committed. And once you've become a family, yes marriage can still be important, but I wonder if it's just that some people aren't bothering.

    It's important that people (gay, straight, and otherwise) have the option to marry should they so choose, but I wonder if it's more the fact that for a lot of people, once they've been together for 5 or ten years, it just feels less urgent. Maybe it ceases to be a goalpost or milestone in the relationship, and more of a “bucket list” box they intend to check off some day, but not necessarily any time soon.

    To answer the other questions:

    I *am* the 'second' boyfriend, at least chronologically. I have sex with myself most frequently as a matter of convenience, followed by my primary boyfriend. Despite our open status, I rarely hook up.

    I could see myself getting legally married under the right circumstances, but it would be as much a practical decision as an emotional one.

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  4. Well, I definitely do myself more often than anyone else. It would be cruelty to impose every surge of my libido upon any particular man.

    I definitely have sex with my partner more than any other person. We regularly fool around with other people, but we've found that when we do, it brings outside sexual energy into our one-on-one dalliances and makes them that much better.

    Bill and I actually plan to get married when we visit my sister in Boston in January.

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