Make Me Over

I’m a result driven person. If you don’t like the result, change the behavior. That’s why I’ve been trying to change myself for several years now.
Problem: I’ve been unsuccessful in relationships
Solution: Fix whatever I’m doing something wrong.
It’s no one else’s fault. There are many things I’d like to change about myself and over the past couple years I’ve been trying to work on them. One of the major hurdles is figuring out what exactly I’m doing wrong. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Who knew an unconcious effort to avoid kissing would make such an impact? So Here are some of the things on my personality make over list:
I love style and I’ll never give that up. However, I’ve gotten a lot better at being style appropriate for the given situation. Being a bear with fashion sense isn’t always a positive in my community. Yes people find it fun, amusing, and cute. But it’s cute in the way your infant brother is cute, not I want to have sex with you cute. My old joke is

“No one fucks a guy wearing a fancy cardigan.”

For the most part a lot of bears are turned off by anything overly stylish. I’m generalizing, but they tend to like a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy. It doesn’t help that I like to talk about cloths and accessories too. The bear conversation basics are sci-fi/fantasy, technology, video Games, and men. The latest fall collections are not a popular topic. So I made a goal to be stylish yet simple in specific situations. Know when to wear the feather boa and sequin jumper and when to wear the black cocktail dress.
My grade so far: A
You get what you expect out of life. I have low expectation therefore I have low results. I get it. So one of my newer goals is to change my expectations and boost my self esteem. Become an optimist instead of a pessimist. Yes that glass is half full! This one is going to take a lot of work though. As I said before, I’m a result driven person. My past results and experiences have lead me to believe that I’ll most likely be alone for a long time. There hasn’t been much to lead me to believe otherwise. However, expecting it creates it. Now I just need to change my head. If I expect a man to come into my life then there is a better possibility that it will happen. And hopefully when he does I’ll be smart enough to recognize it.
My grade so far: D
Over Thinking
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that I over think everything. I tend to analyze a situation from every possible angle. Next I usually assign strong meaning to otherwise meaningless behaviors. Example: I once got it stuck in my head that all I wanted was for a man to wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook. If I ever meant anything to him, he’d wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook. It’s so small and simple how can he not wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook. (You can see where this is headed…) Suffice it to say that he did not wish me a Happy Birthday on Facebook and my world fell apart. I look back on the whole thing as a learning experience. How was he supposed to know that’s what I wanted when I didn’t say anything. Plus people’s lives get in the way and not everyone is on Facebook every second of everyday. Sometimes it may just be a simple mistake without any deeper meaning. Sometimes a rose is just a rose.
My grade so far: B

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