Game of Thrones: How Will it End?

I’ve come out of retirement to discuss my thoughts, feelings, and predictions for the end of Game of Thrones. I think it’s more fun to discuss what might happen than talk about what actually happens.

Game of Thrones has a problem on its hands. They actually have a lot of problems but first and foremost is how to wrap up the entire series with only 2 episodes left. With years in between seasons every viewer has given some thought to how it will all end. With so much time to consider all the possibilities I bet you’re like me and have your own opinions about what exactly should happen. The inherent problem with this is that George RR Martin is guiding the ship and he’s had the general ending mapped out for years. As we get closer and closer to the end I have the sneaking suspicion that there is going to be a serious lack to twists coming. I was listening to Joe Reid on the podcast This Had Oscar Buzz and he was talking about Ron Howard and his sentiments really explain how I think HBO and Martin will handle the end of GOT simply by replacing Ron Howard’s name with George RR Martin, “It’s not going to be weird and interesting anymore. [George RR Martin] is really going to flatten it and do the [George RR Martin] thing which is kind of unsurprising not daring. He’ll pull it in for a landing but not do anything cool with it.” 

With all that said let’s go character by character.


John Snow: Personally I like Jon Snow but I also find him remarkably boring. He’s a little to goody-to-shoes if you know what I mean. 

What I think will happened: He has the best chance of actually coming out on top as ruler of the 7 kingdoms after all is said and done. It would be the most predictable ending and that’s why I think it’s the likeliest to happen. No one (including me) would be mad at it but no one is going to cheer either. 

What I want to happen: Jon Snow must die. I want him to sacrifice himself in an emotional save-the-day kind of move. His death would be shocking to all the fans which is even more reason to do it. 


Daenerys: Oh Dani what a journey we’ve had. For so many seasons you were off in your own land (aka storyline) not interacting with any other major members of the cast. Now you’re right in the middle of it all with this Silky Ganaché villain edit. Just like Silky, we’re all asking ourselves, Can she really win?

What I Think Will happen: Remember in the Hunger Games when low key crazy Julianne Moore was taken out at the last minute by JLaw? I think almost the exact same thing will happen. This is probably a good place to combine my idea for Jon Snow’s death/savior narrative.

What I Want to Happened: Of all the characters I think Dani is my best chance for getting what I want. Death by Jon, Sansa, Arya, or my secret lethal lesbian. But more on that later.


Cersei: My favorite character of the whole series because she’s evil and crazier than a muscle bear during a roid rage. I love every minute of what Cersei is serving up. I don’t think this show would be half as compelling if she (and actress Lina Headey) were not involved. Is she pregnant? Probably not. Blonde Cher forever in my heart. 

What I Think Will Happen: We basically already know she’s going be killed by her brother. The only real question is it going to be Jaime or Tyrion? My guess is Jaime because that’s seems to be the ultimate full circle moment. 

What I Want to Happen: Part of me really wants to see her succeed and just kill off everyone. The final shot of the show would be her on the throne just smirking. That would be the ultimate twist and I would cheer in evil joy. WIG!


Sansa: She is my second favorite character of the show and I’ve always found her storyline compelling. Last season when she and Arya teamed up to kill Littlefinger I genuinely yelled out in excitement as I watched the episode. 

What I Think Will Happen: I expect her to survive but from the sidelines. Best case scenario is that she remains ruler of the north while (probably) Jon sits on the Iron Throne. In general I don’t think her character is going to get the retribution that so many years of shit has led to and that’s a shame. 

What I Want To Happen: I want her to grab a sword to kill Dani and Cersei in a huge battle royale straight out of Kill Bill. Hell put her in a yellow jumpsuit while we’re at it and play some Nancy Sinatra! I want badass Sansa to come out. 


Jaime: He was always a good supporting character. While I never really invested in him I did enjoy his banter and chemistry with other people. 

What I Think Will Happen:  Like I said I think he’s going to be the one to kill Cersei because… obviously. 

What I Want to Happen: Honestly, I don’t care. Live, die, whatever.  He’s like a male pop star: he doesn’t matter.


Arya: I’ve hated her story line for many season. Most of the series actually. Remember that whole season of her training in the monastery? Yeah I used to fast forward right through it. I get why we had to see it but I was still bored. I wasn’t an Arya fan until she got back to Winterfell and teamed up with Sansa. 

What I Think Will Happen: She already gave us a hint that she’ll never be back to Winterfell when she said as much in the last episode. I’m not sure how but I doubt Arya will survive the series. 

What I Want to Happen: It would be cool if she ended up as ruler of the whole thing at the end but that’s so unlikely. Otherwise I’d prefer a super emotion death that makes everyone cry. 


Tyrion: I really like him as The Hand to the queen and he’s been one of the funnest characters on the show. 

What I Think Will Happen: He could be the one to kill Cersei but my money is still on Jaime. Tyrion doesn’t have any other major storylines or character arcs to finish so he’s the one I’m most unsure of. Honestly don’t know what they’ll do with/to him. 

What I Want to Happen: Stay the hand to whomever ends up as ruler. 


Samwell: Every chasers GOT boyfriend. Samwell has always been the nice guy. 

What I Think Will Happen: I think his goodbye to Jon was his goodbye to the show. I think his storyline is done so we won’t see him again. 

What I Want to Happen: Unless he’s going to come back in the last moment to slay the dragon bitch I’m happy to have him living his happily ever after. 


Brienne: She got knighted and nailed all in the same day. (Pause for applause of that joke) She even had her very own Sam Smith “Stay with me” speech.  Who doesn’t love Brienne?!

What I Think Will Happen: She had sex which probably means she’s going to die. This show isn’t great to its female characters so I‘m cautiously pessimistic with this one.

What I Want to Happen: Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her. Please don’t kill her.


Bran: The most boring and eye roll educing character of the whole show. He exists only as a plot point. Through all these seasons I guess his only purpose was to tell Jon Snow who his real parents were. His entire character could have been replaced by a birth certificate. 

What I Think Will Happen: If he’s the one left sitting on the throne I’ll vomit.  

What I Want to Happen: Fuck that boring bitch. I’m over him. 


Bron, Podrick and The Hound: While I like Bron the best the group all three are expendable. Their death and ensuing tears will be make for a better finale. Bye boys. 


Yara Greyjoy: I’ve specifically left her until last. A very underrated and under used character throughout the whole show. 

What I Think Will Happen: She will probably be totally forgotten. At best she’ll be mentioned in an offhand comment about the Iron Islands. 

What I Want to Happen: In my ideal ending Yara comes in at the end to take over and beat everyone. She destroys the Iron Throne and gets rid of this whole birthright monarchy bullshit by bringing some democratic values in. Take down the patriarchy Yara!

 


P. S. My gay fantasy is for there to be a scene where Jonathon Van Ness is doing Cersei’s hair. He doesn’t need to speak but I need to see him there. GASP!

 

 

Final Thoughts on Season 10 of Drag Race

  1. I find the Vixen so puzzling. She had a ton of excellent things to say backstage all while being basic AF in the actual competition. If Untucked were removed I’d forget she was even on the show. Why didn’t she bring all that fire and activism to the runway? Give us looks that challenge racial stereotypes not an entrance outfit that was falling apart. She could channel that rage into her drag and be Rosa Parks or Marsha P Johnson on Snatch Game. Give us something. I’d have a lot more respect for her activism if her drag wasn’t so boring.
  2. RuPaul favorite Aquaria won me over. Over all she had the best runways of the season but it was Asia’s Tweety Bird that wins out as the single most memorable look.
  3. Dear Mayhem Miller, you were one of my favorite queens this season. You won a challenge and had a memorable lip sync. With all honesty I think you were just a bit to down to earth and normal for reality tv. To stand out you need a big ol dash of crazy. Either way you deserve Kameron’s spot.
  4. Monique Heart. MONIQUE HEART! I’m a total stan for Monique Heart. As the narrator of the season she made it all so perfect. Facts are facts America she’s the real winner of season 10. Even Aquaria knew that brown cow stunning stole the show. When she went home I sort of lost interest in the season. Hands down my favorite of season 10.
  5. Everyone tells me the Miz Cracker robot is amazing. She should star in a reboot of Small Wonder.
  6. Monét’s death drop fake out was truly sponge worthy.
  7. The forgettable 4: Dusty, Blair, Yuhua, and Kalorie. Jayden Dior Fierce and Dax Exclamation Point welcome you to the club.
  8. I was really hoping for a non-New York non-white finale: Asia O’Hara, Monique Heart, and Mayhem Miller. Sigh.
  9. When the season started I was convinced they wouldn’t crown a 3rd New York queen. Then I remembered that all 3 All Star winners are blonde and white. So yeah… looks like it’ll be the age of Aquaria. (Damn now I’ve got that song stuck in my head)
  10. I want Asia to win although I can’t figure out if I really like her for her or if it’s purely hometown pride. Either way bring the crown home to Dallas!
  11. Truth be told, I’m not really invested in this finale. I don’t hate any of the top 4 but I also don’t have a true favorite. I guess I’m feeling very beige about it all. Beige beige beige.
  12. Kameron Michael is a talented queen but I genuinely don’t care. True apathy.
  13. I don’t know any gossip about the finale but I suspect we’re going to see stunt after stunt after stunt. And all of them will never be able to live up to the magic that Sasha pulled off with those rose petals. Sasha4ever!
  14. Regardless of who wins fans are going to be outraged and pissed because you know… the internet. Just remember that deep down none of them truly cares. Proof: when’s the last time you heard anyone go on about Shea Coulee or Shangela?
  15. I still love everything Vanjie. My favorite Vanjie meme is the Call Me By Your Name cross over meme.
  16. Everyone loved Eureka after going home too early on Season 9. Now it seems like some of that love has cooled. With Vanessa Vanjie Mateo suffer the same fate?
  17. In the Drag Race world I think of the series as having different eras. Each era consisting of 3 seasons.
  • Seasons 1-3 make up the Absolute Era.
  • Seasons 4-6 make up the Untucked Era.
  • Seasons 7-9 make up the Era of Change.

It’s fitting that Season 10 starts a new era because it feels decidedly different. I wonder what the future holds?

The Definitive Tidal Wave Guide

  1. When you pick up your run package take out the event tee-shirt and wear it (and only it) all weekend.
  2. Also make sure your lanyard is visible at all times especially when you’re not at the hotel.
  3. Complaining loudly about the event is a great way to make new friends.
  4. Whatever you do don’t message anyone on GROWLr. Wait for them to message you.
  5. If you do message a guy make sure it’s only that mega hottie who’ve stalked on Tumblr for the last 5 years. He probably doesn’t get a lot of messages so he’ll be very eager to talk to you.
  6. Trust me you haven’t had enough to drink.
  7. It’s the responsibility of the event organizers to make sure you have a good time. If you don’t have fun it’s never your fault.
  8. When you go to BearDance a bar open a tab with the first bartender you see as soon as you walk through the door. She’s probably the only bartender in that enormous club anyway.
  9. A GROWLr flash is a great way to get laid because it makes you look very confident.
  10. Incase you end up drunk and lost, the hotel address is 450 Compton St Orlando FL 32806
  11. To all the guys who’ve gone to TBRU Tidal Wave for decades and feel like the event isn’t as fun as it used to be, you’re right. It’s definitely them and it’s definitely not you.
  12. Don’t go to Babes Chicken Disney. It’s gross and everyone hates it.
  13. Wear colorful flamboyant clothes. Bears love gender nonconformists.
  14. Everyone is having more sex than you.
  15. Skip the hospitality suite the pool. It’s so boring.
  16. Ignore the locals. We’re all pretentious Trump loving trash living in a city with no culture.
  17. I read a headline on Facebook that said sunscreen doesn’t work and probably causes cancer. Don’t use it.
  18. If you disagree with this post please email all complaints to TBRU@gmail.com

The Definitive TBRU Guide

  1. When you pick up your run package take out the event tee-shirt and wear it (and only it) all weekend.
  2. Also make sure your lanyard is visible at all times especially when you’re not at the hotel.
  3. Complaining loudly about the event is a great way to make new friends.
  4. Whatever you do don’t message anyone on GROWLr. Wait for them to message you.
  5. If you do message a guy make sure it’s only that mega hottie you’ve stalked on Tumblr for the last 5 years. He probably doesn’t get a lot of messages so he’ll be very eager to talk to you.
  6. Trust me you haven’t had enough to drink.
  7. It’s the responsibility of the event organizers to make sure you have a good time. If you don’t have fun it’s never your fault.
  8. When you go to BearDance open a tab with the first bartender you see as soon as you walk through the door. She’s probably the only bartender in that enormous club anyway.
  9. A GROWLr flash is a great way to get laid because it makes you look very confident.
  10. Incase you end up drunk and lost, the hotel address is 2616 Swiss Ave Dallas TX 75204
  11. To all the guys who’ve gone to TBRU for decades and feel like the event isn’t as fun as it used to be, you’re right. It’s definitely them and it’s definitely not you.
  12. Don’t go to Babes Chicken. It’s gross and everyone hates it.
  13. Wear colorful flamboyant clothes. Bears love gender nonconformists.
  14. Everyone is having more sex than you.
  15. Skip the hospitality suite. The drinks are way too over priced.
  16. Ignore the locals. We’re all pretentious Trump loving trash living in a city with no culture.
  17. I read a headline on Facebook that said sunscreen doesn’t work and probably causes cancer. Don’t use it on Sunday at the Hidden Door.
  18. If you disagree with this post please email all complaints to tidalwave@gmail.com.

Green Piece

  1. I support the legalization of marijuana
  2. Even though I’ve never been high.
  3. Whenever I write/talk about marijuana I feel like an old man because I don’t know the current slang for it. I don’t hear people say pot or weed anymore… Is there a new word? Wacky Tobacky?
  4. I often wonder how many people smoke pot as a substitute for anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication.
  5. The scent and the actual smoke gross me out and that’s why I always say no.
  6. The smell of marijuana is one of my most hated scents on earth. Top 3 bitch!
  7. The smell of (cheap) Chinese food is also on that list. Literal gag.
  8. A guy eating pork fried rice in a cloud of smoke is my 3rd level of hell.
  9. I’d rather wear Tevas with socks than smell that shit.
  10. The person who invented pot vaporizers is doing God’s work. Now all I smell is cotton candy or sour apple. Bless.
  11. Heaven is saved for those who vape for they don’t smell like skunks.
  12. No I haven’t tried edibles. Too much sugar.
  13. Smoking appears to bring people together like a brotherhood.
  14. I have a feeling that the communal brotherhood will disappear if it gets legalized.
  15. I had a lot of crushes on stoners when I was younger. I found their laid back style very appealing.
  16. Cigarettes, alcohol, steroids, and sugar are all unhealthier.
  17. I wonder if money hungry republicans will back the legalization issue as a way of luring younger voters.
  18. Tobacco companies should switch gears and start becoming marijuana companies.
  19. I’ve never looked at someone and thought, “Wow I never would’ve guessed they smoke a lot.”

Sports vs Drag

  1. Black guys are better at it.
  2. Watching the professionals is fun.
  3. It’s even more fun if you’re drunk.
  4. Watching amateurs can range anywhere from entertaining and enjoyable to cringe worthy and painful.
  5. Overzealous fans take the competition way too seriously.
  6. The more someone hates it the more you want to say, “Tell it to your therapist not me.”
  7. Spectators who did it once in college and now give their opinion like they’re Harvard scholars.
  8. Plenty of colorful merch available to support your favorite.
  9. High profile executives who have questionable views about trans people.
  10. When you see it live you spend as much time watching as you do cruising the hot daddies in the crowd.
  11. You’ll need a special outfit to participate and padding usually helps.
  12. There are podcasts dedicated to the latest news and events.
  13. Die hard fans who look down on everyone who only jumped on board after the big win.
  14. Prettiness can make up for a lack of talent.
  15. For every homo who loves it there’s a homo who hates it.
  16. Nerds don’t get it.
  17. Balls are important.
  18. Protecting your balls is more important.

The Gay Gasp Guide To Life

  1. Thirst traps are encouraged but if you caption them with inspirational quotes I swear to god I’ll put a slug in your ear.
  2. If you take a break from or leave Facebook don’t post about it. Show us don’t tell us.
  3. Don’t hate on other gay people for eating at Chick-fil-A when you still go to Whataburger. You know they probably love Jesus just as much but they’re just smart enough not to tell you.
  4. If you post a screen shot without cropping it I reserve the right to pull out your ball hairs with a tweezer.
  5. Asking to see my private pics means you’re probably too ugly to see them.
  6. If you have a picture of just your lips on GROWLr you should lose the right to vote.
  7. You should be angry that your private pics haven’t been stolen and put on Tumblr.
  8. Let’s be perfectly clear: masculine gay men receive all the same cultural benefits and privileges as straight men.
  9. If your Facebook post is more than 1 paragraph long someone better be dead. DEAD.
  10. When someone says they’re not into gay bars there’s a good chance what they really mean is “I don’t want to run into any of the ugly guys that I don’t want you to know I fuck.”
  11. I will never donate money on Facebook for your birthday. Give your own fucking money.
  12. If you use the joke “I don’t bite unless you ask me to” then I hope ants crawl into your urethra and lay eggs.
  13. No one’s ever going to watch that concert video you posted.
  14. Your dog will like me better than you.
  15. Don’t hold the door while I’m an awkward distance away and then stare at me because I’m not walking faster.
  16. Give your pet its own Instagram page so I can follow and love it.
  17. American Dad is better than Family Guy and The Simpson’s needs to end it already.
  18. Hamilton is still brilliant.
  19. Miss Vanjie.
  20. Miss Vanjie.
  21. Miss
  22. Vanjie.

Tumblr Dos and Don’ts

  1. Do: Enjoy the fantasy. That way you don’t have to meet them in person and discover their horribly crazy personality.
  2. Don’t hunt them down on GROWLr or Facebook then get pissed off when they don’t want to fuck You.
  3. Do post videos. How do all these 5 minute videos keep getting posted when my 30 second clip keeps getting rejected?
  4. Don’t post some G rated nonsense and expect me to care.
  5. Do post butthole pics. It’s a controversial opinion but I love a good butthole pic.
  6. Don’t you dare post a 30 picture series of one person that takes me 10 swipes to get past.
  7. Do explain Tumblr’s advertising algorithm to me. Facebook and Google are legit listening to our thoughts in order to show us an add for the klodike bar we dreamt about last night. So why is Tumblr still forcing me to scroll past this straight Chooseyourstory bullshit?
  8. Don’t share your Instagram pics on Tumblr. That’s not what I’m here for.
  9. Do post all your cum dump, European hidden urinal cam, saline injected, big belly overhang, dick out in public, hook up in the woods original content. Make crazy and outlandish life choices so I don’t have to.
  10. Don’t use a condom. If your gonna post it then it better be bareback. I know we aren’t supposed to talk about it but a condomed cock in porn is a total boner killer.
  11. Do make porn GIFs. Fun for everyone.
  12. Don’t post a video link without a thumbnail. SMH.
  13. Do look up dirty comics strips. There’s also Clawhauser porn out there.
  14. Don’t repost all your DMs that only validate your hotness. We. Don’t. Care.

Memories of Failed Masculinity

Age 6. I start getting called a girl everyday. Kindergarten starts and so does the name calling. “Joey you’re in the wrong line. The girl’s line is over there.” It’s the mid 80’s and my classmates don’t know the word gay yet. Therefore a long tradition of getting called a girl begins. It will last for years.

Age 7. The name calling has become a regular occurrence at school however my home life is a much different story. I cover my bedroom walls with pictures of New Kids on the Block. Regardless of what my parents may think they support me in every way and never give me any indication that I should act differently. When I’m asked what I want to be when I grow up no one bats an eye at my answer of an interior decorator.

Age 8. Some adults start to ask me if I have any crushes on the girls in school. The question is stupid but I learn quickly that if I just say a name they’ll leave me alone. So begins my fake 3 year crush on Jamie Bennett. I choose her because I like her hair and she’s about to move away so I’ll never really have to deal with it.

Age 9. I routinely practice my runway walk on the way to the bus stop every morning. The trick is to cross one foot over the other and swing your hips.

Age 10. Puberty hits and I seek out porn. When no one is looking I snag a few glances at Playboy and it’s get me excited. With all these raging hormones anyone naked gets me excited. I start to wonder if the guys in Playgirl also get fully naked. Isn’t that what most 10 year old boys are curious about? Thinking nothing about my sexuality I go to Barnes and Noble to take a look. I like what I see as I flip through the page. This excites me a lot more than girls ever do. In this moment the light bulb goes on in my head. “Oh…. I’m gay!” The thought comes with a giant sense of relief. Like I’ve finally found the last clue in an escape room.

Age 11. I successfully steel a Playgirl magazine from Walden Books in the Meriden Mall. I get A LOT of use out of it.

Age 12. The (masculine) boys in school ask me out on dates trying and trick me into admitting I’m gay. With a heavy eye roll I decline their advances thinking what jerks they are. When I get home I fantasize about kissing them. This unfortunately plants the seeds of a long trend of being attracted to assholes.

Age 13. Being in the closet starts to feel claustrophobic. Making use of my sister’s old Seventeen magazines, I tear out and hang half naked pictures of Eric Nies (Real World season 1) on my bedroom wall as a passive aggressive way of forcing my mom to ask me if I’m gay. When I say yes she responds with “We already knew.”

Age 14. I’m looking forward to graduating and getting away from these kids. High school will bring hundreds of new faces and hopefully new opportunities. I’m getting to the point where the name calling is becoming more annoying rather than hurtful. The boys in my class start making fun of me for wearing corduroy pants. They are convinced that if the corduroy between my legs rubs together I’ll start a fire. (I swear I’m not making this up) I’m only 14 but even my young brain says “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right?” It’s my first Ah-ha moment. Any lingering hurt and pain I have bottled up inside fizzles out with the realization that they’ve been full of shit the whole time.

Age 16. We have the internet at home and my favorite sites are PlanetOut and Chubnet. High school is going well. Amongst a larger class I’m able to blend in and largely go unbothered even while wearing my favorite electric blue Doc Martins. A small handful of friends know I’m gay but I don’t come out to the entire school. I’m less worried about the students’ reaction and more worried about the catholic school faculty’s reaction. The administration has already fired a teacher for marrying a divorced woman. While I don’t outwardly say that I’m gay I refuse to pretend to be straight.

Age 19. I start college at UMass Amherst and move directly into a dorm for queer students.

Age 20. I have my first kiss.

Everyday Drag

 

  1. Work Drag- Work you is quiet and polite. Work you laughs at the 4 year old meme your middle age mom coworker shows you. Work you says things like “I really didn’t do much over the weekend” because the honest answer would be too hard to explain and would probably land you in the HR office. “My third was in town so we went to the Find A Cure for AIDS circuit party when the molly kicked in and next thing I knew…”
  2. Family Drag- See work drag but replace the mom coworker with your actual mom. Family you is also in a monogamous relationship and acts horrified at the thought of your partner having sex with someone else. “Gasp! I can’t imagine such a betrayal.”
  3. Elitist Drag- When you’re in elitist drag you make sure everyone knows how absolutely fantastic your life is. If your declining a Facebook invite you make a point of giving every detail of the fantastic plans that are keeping you away. When elitist you returns from a vacation say phrases like “The trip was fantastic but I didn’t take any photographs because I really wanted to be in the moment.”
  4. App Drag- Whether it’s Growlr, Scruff, or Grindr everyone has that very specific drag character. Start with a shirtless profile pic that shows skin but isn’t too trashy. The profile text is as simple as possible because we all know the more you write the crazier you are. Sure you’re a pup bottom who wants to live with a cage on your cock and a dog mask on your head… but really you’re just a simple guy looking for some buds to hang out with.  “Woof.”
  5. Facebook Drag- Everyone has a social media drag persona. Are you the introvert who puts on Facebook drag so you can be a loud mouth whose only joy comes from correcting and educating people in the comments. “Actually what most people refer to simply as Star Wars is really episode 4 and…”  Or maybe you’re an extrovert who gets into into Facebook drag to become a silent lurker who only wants to watch the dumpster fire from a safe distance.
  6. Bar Drag- Bar you ignores the guy you’ve fucked 5 times because you’re embarrassed by him even though the sex is good. Bar you talks endlessly with those people who you only ever see at a bar and never in real life. In fact you probably don’t even remember their name. Bar you wears a harness and cargo shorts because you don’t care about fashion. Thank god masculinity is always real and has nothing to do with drag.