The Definitive Tidal Wave Guide

  1. When you pick up your run package take out the event tee-shirt and wear it (and only it) all weekend.
  2. Also make sure your lanyard is visible at all times especially when you’re not at the hotel.
  3. Complaining loudly about the event is a great way to make new friends.
  4. Whatever you do don’t message anyone on GROWLr. Wait for them to message you.
  5. If you do message a guy make sure it’s only that mega hottie who’ve stalked on Tumblr for the last 5 years. He probably doesn’t get a lot of messages so he’ll be very eager to talk to you.
  6. Trust me you haven’t had enough to drink.
  7. It’s the responsibility of the event organizers to make sure you have a good time. If you don’t have fun it’s never your fault.
  8. When you go to BearDance a bar open a tab with the first bartender you see as soon as you walk through the door. She’s probably the only bartender in that enormous club anyway.
  9. A GROWLr flash is a great way to get laid because it makes you look very confident.
  10. Incase you end up drunk and lost, the hotel address is 450 Compton St Orlando FL 32806
  11. To all the guys who’ve gone to TBRU Tidal Wave for decades and feel like the event isn’t as fun as it used to be, you’re right. It’s definitely them and it’s definitely not you.
  12. Don’t go to Babes Chicken Disney. It’s gross and everyone hates it.
  13. Wear colorful flamboyant clothes. Bears love gender nonconformists.
  14. Everyone is having more sex than you.
  15. Skip the hospitality suite the pool. It’s so boring.
  16. Ignore the locals. We’re all pretentious Trump loving trash living in a city with no culture.
  17. I read a headline on Facebook that said sunscreen doesn’t work and probably causes cancer. Don’t use it.
  18. If you disagree with this post please email all complaints to TBRU@gmail.com
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The Definitive TBRU Guide

  1. When you pick up your run package take out the event tee-shirt and wear it (and only it) all weekend.
  2. Also make sure your lanyard is visible at all times especially when you’re not at the hotel.
  3. Complaining loudly about the event is a great way to make new friends.
  4. Whatever you do don’t message anyone on GROWLr. Wait for them to message you.
  5. If you do message a guy make sure it’s only that mega hottie you’ve stalked on Tumblr for the last 5 years. He probably doesn’t get a lot of messages so he’ll be very eager to talk to you.
  6. Trust me you haven’t had enough to drink.
  7. It’s the responsibility of the event organizers to make sure you have a good time. If you don’t have fun it’s never your fault.
  8. When you go to BearDance open a tab with the first bartender you see as soon as you walk through the door. She’s probably the only bartender in that enormous club anyway.
  9. A GROWLr flash is a great way to get laid because it makes you look very confident.
  10. Incase you end up drunk and lost, the hotel address is 2616 Swiss Ave Dallas TX 75204
  11. To all the guys who’ve gone to TBRU for decades and feel like the event isn’t as fun as it used to be, you’re right. It’s definitely them and it’s definitely not you.
  12. Don’t go to Babes Chicken. It’s gross and everyone hates it.
  13. Wear colorful flamboyant clothes. Bears love gender nonconformists.
  14. Everyone is having more sex than you.
  15. Skip the hospitality suite. The drinks are way too over priced.
  16. Ignore the locals. We’re all pretentious Trump loving trash living in a city with no culture.
  17. I read a headline on Facebook that said sunscreen doesn’t work and probably causes cancer. Don’t use it on Sunday at the Hidden Door.
  18. If you disagree with this post please email all complaints to tidalwave@gmail.com.

Green Piece

  1. I support the legalization of marijuana
  2. Even though I’ve never been high.
  3. Whenever I write/talk about marijuana I feel like an old man because I don’t know the current slang for it. I don’t hear people say pot or weed anymore… Is there a new word? Wacky Tobacky?
  4. I often wonder how many people smoke pot as a substitute for anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication.
  5. The scent and the actual smoke gross me out and that’s why I always say no.
  6. The smell of marijuana is one of my most hated scents on earth. Top 3 bitch!
  7. The smell of (cheap) Chinese food is also on that list. Literal gag.
  8. A guy eating pork fried rice in a cloud of smoke is my 3rd level of hell.
  9. I’d rather wear Tevas with socks than smell that shit.
  10. The person who invented pot vaporizers is doing God’s work. Now all I smell is cotton candy or sour apple. Bless.
  11. Heaven is saved for those who vape for they don’t smell like skunks.
  12. No I haven’t tried edibles. Too much sugar.
  13. Smoking appears to bring people together like a brotherhood.
  14. I have a feeling that the communal brotherhood will disappear if it gets legalized.
  15. I had a lot of crushes on stoners when I was younger. I found their laid back style very appealing.
  16. Cigarettes, alcohol, steroids, and sugar are all unhealthier.
  17. I wonder if money hungry republicans will back the legalization issue as a way of luring younger voters.
  18. Tobacco companies should switch gears and start becoming marijuana companies.
  19. I’ve never looked at someone and thought, “Wow I never would’ve guessed they smoke a lot.”

Sports vs Drag

  1. Black guys are better at it.
  2. Watching the professionals is fun.
  3. It’s even more fun if you’re drunk.
  4. Watching amateurs can range anywhere from entertaining and enjoyable to cringe worthy and painful.
  5. Overzealous fans take the competition way too seriously.
  6. The more someone hates it the more you want to say, “Tell it to your therapist not me.”
  7. Spectators who did it once in college and now give their opinion like they’re Harvard scholars.
  8. Plenty of colorful merch available to support your favorite.
  9. High profile executives who have questionable views about trans people.
  10. When you see it live you spend as much time watching as you do cruising the hot daddies in the crowd.
  11. You’ll need a special outfit to participate and padding usually helps.
  12. There are podcasts dedicated to the latest news and events.
  13. Die hard fans who look down on everyone who only jumped on board after the big win.
  14. Prettiness can make up for a lack of talent.
  15. For every homo who loves it there’s a homo who hates it.
  16. Nerds don’t get it.
  17. Balls are important.
  18. Protecting your balls is more important.

The Gay Gasp Guide To Life

  1. Thirst traps are encouraged but if you caption them with inspirational quotes I swear to god I’ll put a slug in your ear.
  2. If you take a break from or leave Facebook don’t post about it. Show us don’t tell us.
  3. Don’t hate on other gay people for eating at Chick-fil-A when you still go to Whataburger. You know they probably love Jesus just as much but they’re just smart enough not to tell you.
  4. If you post a screen shot without cropping it I reserve the right to pull out your ball hairs with a tweezer.
  5. Asking to see my private pics means you’re probably too ugly to see them.
  6. If you have a picture of just your lips on GROWLr you should lose the right to vote.
  7. You should be angry that your private pics haven’t been stolen and put on Tumblr.
  8. Let’s be perfectly clear: masculine gay men receive all the same cultural benefits and privileges as straight men.
  9. If your Facebook post is more than 1 paragraph long someone better be dead. DEAD.
  10. When someone says they’re not into gay bars there’s a good chance what they really mean is “I don’t want to run into any of the ugly guys that I don’t want you to know I fuck.”
  11. I will never donate money on Facebook for your birthday. Give your own fucking money.
  12. If you use the joke “I don’t bite unless you ask me to” then I hope ants crawl into your urethra and lay eggs.
  13. No one’s ever going to watch that concert video you posted.
  14. Your dog will like me better than you.
  15. Don’t hold the door while I’m an awkward distance away and then stare at me because I’m not walking faster.
  16. Give your pet its own Instagram page so I can follow and love it.
  17. American Dad is better than Family Guy and The Simpson’s needs to end it already.
  18. Hamilton is still brilliant.
  19. Miss Vanjie.
  20. Miss Vanjie.
  21. Miss
  22. Vanjie.

Tumblr Dos and Don’ts

  1. Do: Enjoy the fantasy. That way you don’t have to meet them in person and discover their horribly crazy personality.
  2. Don’t hunt them down on GROWLr or Facebook then get pissed off when they don’t want to fuck You.
  3. Do post videos. How do all these 5 minute videos keep getting posted when my 30 second clip keeps getting rejected?
  4. Don’t post some G rated nonsense and expect me to care.
  5. Do post butthole pics. It’s a controversial opinion but I love a good butthole pic.
  6. Don’t you dare post a 30 picture series of one person that takes me 10 swipes to get past.
  7. Do explain Tumblr’s advertising algorithm to me. Facebook and Google are legit listening to our thoughts in order to show us an add for the klodike bar we dreamt about last night. So why is Tumblr still forcing me to scroll past this straight Chooseyourstory bullshit?
  8. Don’t share your Instagram pics on Tumblr. That’s not what I’m here for.
  9. Do post all your cum dump, European hidden urinal cam, saline injected, big belly overhang, dick out in public, hook up in the woods original content. Make crazy and outlandish life choices so I don’t have to.
  10. Don’t use a condom. If your gonna post it then it better be bareback. I know we aren’t supposed to talk about it but a condomed cock in porn is a total boner killer.
  11. Do make porn GIFs. Fun for everyone.
  12. Don’t post a video link without a thumbnail. SMH.
  13. Do look up dirty comics strips. There’s also Clawhauser porn out there.
  14. Don’t repost all your DMs that only validate your hotness. We. Don’t. Care.

Memories of Failed Masculinity

Age 6. I start getting called a girl everyday. Kindergarten starts and so does the name calling. “Joey you’re in the wrong line. The girl’s line is over there.” It’s the mid 80’s and my classmates don’t know the word gay yet. Therefore a long tradition of getting called a girl begins. It will last for years.

Age 7. The name calling has become a regular occurrence at school however my home life is a much different story. I cover my bedroom walls with pictures of New Kids on the Block. Regardless of what my parents may think they support me in every way and never give me any indication that I should act differently. When I’m asked what I want to be when I grow up no one bats an eye at my answer of an interior decorator.

Age 8. Some adults start to ask me if I have any crushes on the girls in school. The question is stupid but I learn quickly that if I just say a name they’ll leave me alone. So begins my fake 3 year crush on Jamie Bennett. I choose her because I like her hair and she’s about to move away so I’ll never really have to deal with it.

Age 9. I routinely practice my runway walk on the way to the bus stop every morning. The trick is to cross one foot over the other and swing your hips.

Age 10. Puberty hits and I seek out porn. When no one is looking I snag a few glances at Playboy and it’s get me excited. With all these raging hormones anyone naked gets me excited. I start to wonder if the guys in Playgirl also get fully naked. Isn’t that what most 10 year old boys are curious about? Thinking nothing about my sexuality I go to Barnes and Noble to take a look. I like what I see as I flip through the page. This excites me a lot more than girls ever do. In this moment the light bulb goes on in my head. “Oh…. I’m gay!” The thought comes with a giant sense of relief. Like I’ve finally found the last clue in an escape room.

Age 11. I successfully steel a Playgirl magazine from Walden Books in the Meriden Mall. I get A LOT of use out of it.

Age 12. The (masculine) boys in school ask me out on dates trying and trick me into admitting I’m gay. With a heavy eye roll I decline their advances thinking what jerks they are. When I get home I fantasize about kissing them. This unfortunately plants the seeds of a long trend of being attracted to assholes.

Age 13. Being in the closet starts to feel claustrophobic. Making use of my sister’s old Seventeen magazines, I tear out and hang half naked pictures of Eric Nies (Real World season 1) on my bedroom wall as a passive aggressive way of forcing my mom to ask me if I’m gay. When I say yes she responds with “We already knew.”

Age 14. I’m looking forward to graduating and getting away from these kids. High school will bring hundreds of new faces and hopefully new opportunities. I’m getting to the point where the name calling is becoming more annoying rather than hurtful. The boys in my class start making fun of me for wearing corduroy pants. They are convinced that if the corduroy between my legs rubs together I’ll start a fire. (I swear I’m not making this up) I’m only 14 but even my young brain says “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right?” It’s my first Ah-ha moment. Any lingering hurt and pain I have bottled up inside fizzles out with the realization that they’ve been full of shit the whole time.

Age 16. We have the internet at home and my favorite sites are PlanetOut and Chubnet. High school is going well. Amongst a larger class I’m able to blend in and largely go unbothered even while wearing my favorite electric blue Doc Martins. A small handful of friends know I’m gay but I don’t come out to the entire school. I’m less worried about the students’ reaction and more worried about the catholic school faculty’s reaction. The administration has already fired a teacher for marrying a divorced woman. While I don’t outwardly say that I’m gay I refuse to pretend to be straight.

Age 19. I start college at UMass Amherst and move directly into a dorm for queer students.

Age 20. I have my first kiss.